It’s no secret that as we age, making new friends can become a bit of a challenge. But have you ever stopped to think about why?

Often, it’s not a lack of social opportunities, but rather certain behavioral patterns we display without even realizing it.

I’m Lachlan Brown, founder of Hack Spirit, and I’ve spent a lot of time researching and observing these behaviors. And what I’ve discovered is that there are 9 common ones that seem to get in our way of forming meaningful connections.

In this article, I’ll share these 8 behaviors with you. Because no matter how old we are, we all deserve to have great friends!

1) They’re stuck in their ways

As we age, it’s natural to become a bit set in our ways. We’ve had years to build up our preferences, routines, and ways of doing things.

But here’s the thing: this can be a major roadblock when it comes to making new friends.

People are drawn to those who are open and flexible, who can adapt to new situations and go with the flow. If you’re rigid in your ways and unwilling to compromise, it can make others feel like there’s no room for them in your life.

I’ve seen this time and time again. Those who struggle to make friends often have a “my way or the highway” mentality, without even realizing it.

Being aware of this tendency and making an effort to be more adaptable can do wonders for your social life. Remember, friendship is all about give and take!

2) They shy away from vulnerability

Let me share a personal observation: I’ve noticed that people who struggle to make friends often have a hard time being vulnerable.

As a writer and the founder of Hack Spirit, I’ve had to learn to be comfortable with sharing my thoughts, feelings and experiences with my readers. It’s not always easy, but it’s an essential part of forming meaningful connections with others.

When we’re vulnerable, we show our authentic selves. We open up about our fears, hopes and dreams. This creates a bond of trust and understanding – the foundation of any strong friendship.

But as we get older, many of us put up walls to protect ourselves from potential hurt. We shy away from vulnerability, making it harder for others to truly get to know us.

So if you’re finding it hard to make new friends, take a look at your own openness. 

3) They’re held back by ego

One of the key principles in Buddhism that I often emphasize in my teachings is the importance of letting go of ego. Ego, in this context, refers to an inflated sense of self-importance and a preoccupation with our own needs and desires.

Ego can be a big barrier in forming new friendships. It can make us come across as self-centered and uninterested in others. It can prevent us from listening to others and showing genuine empathy – two crucial components of any friendship.

I delve deeper into this topic in my book, “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego“. It explores the role of ego in our lives and provides practical tips on how to live with less ego for a more fulfilling life. You can find my book on Amazon here.

So if you’re struggling to make friends, take a step back and evaluate your ego. Are you allowing it to dominate your interactions?

Remember, friendships are about mutual respect and understanding, not a competition for dominance or attention.

4) They try too hard

Here’s a bit of a paradox for you: Sometimes, the harder we try to make friends, the more elusive they become.

In our eagerness to connect, we can sometimes come across as desperate or needy. We might overshare, insist on spending too much time together, or agree with everything they say in an attempt to be liked.

But people can sense when you’re not being authentic, and it can be off-putting. Rather than drawing people towards us, these behaviors can push them away.

So if you’re finding it hard to make new friends, it might be worth considering whether you’re trying too hard. It’s always important to be yourself and let friendships develop naturally. 

5) They struggle with impermanence

Impermanence, a key principle in Buddhism, teaches us that all things are temporary and change is inevitable. This includes relationships.

As we age, our friendships naturally evolve. Some may strengthen, others may fade, and that’s ok.

But people who struggle to make friends often have a hard time accepting this reality. They cling to past relationships or idealize friendships that no longer serve them.

This resistance to change can hinder the formation of new friendships. It can prevent us from opening up to new people and experiences, keeping us stuck in the past.

6) They forget to listen

Listening, truly listening, is an art form.

People often think that making friends is all about being interesting or entertaining. But in my experience, being a good listener can be even more powerful.

People want to feel heard and understood. They want to share their stories, their thoughts, their dreams, and their fears. By listening attentively, you show them that you value their thoughts and feelings. This creates a deep bond of trust and friendship.

However, those who struggle to make new friends often forget this. They’re so focused on making a good impression that they forget to listen. They dominate the conversation or get distracted easily, which can make others feel undervalued.

So if you’re finding it hard to make friends, take a step back and evaluate your listening skills.

Remember, friendships are a two-way street!

7) They avoid conflict

Now this might surprise you: Avoiding conflict can actually make it harder to form lasting friendships.

While it’s true that constant arguing can drive people away, a complete avoidance of conflict isn’t the answer either. That’s because conflict, when handled correctly, can be a catalyst for deeper understanding and connection.

In fact, the ability to navigate disagreements and differing opinions is a sign of a mature and healthy friendship. It shows respect for the other person’s viewpoint and demonstrates your commitment to the relationship.

But those who struggle to make friends often shy away from any form of conflict. They might suppress their true feelings or agree with others just to keep the peace.

But this can lead to superficial relationships that lack depth and authenticity.

8) They lack compassion

Compassion is a fundamental principle in Buddhism. It’s about acknowledging the suffering of others and fostering a genuine desire to alleviate it.

When it comes to making friends, compassion plays a crucial role. It allows us to connect with others on a deeper level, to understand their experiences, and to provide support when they need it most.

But often, those who struggle to make friends lack this vital quality.

They may be too caught up in their own world or struggles to notice those of others. Or they might lack the emotional maturity to respond empathetically when someone shares their problems.

Remember, friendships aren’t just about shared interests or fun times. They’re also about being there for each other during the tough times.

Final thoughts

In short, making friends as we get older can certainly be a challenge.

But by reflecting on our behaviors and making necessary adjustments, we can open ourselves up to new and meaningful connections.

For a deeper understanding of these principles, I invite you to check out my book, “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego“. It provides practical insights on how to apply Buddhist wisdom in everyday life, including improving our relationships.

Remember, we’re never too old to make friends. With the right mindset and actions, we can form friendships that make our lives better and bring us joy.