As people get older, they find romantic partners, get married, buy a house, focus on their careers, and before they know it, all their friends are suddenly out of the picture.

That’s how it goes, right? It’s the natural progression of life. Friendships are meant to take the backseat eventually.

…except that’s not necessarily true, and what’s more, it’s a potentially harmful way of thinking because it doesn’t only devalue friendships as a crucial element of happiness but also leaves you all alone when you need someone to confide in (that is, someone who isn’t your spouse or co-worker).

Look, research backs me up on this. One of the longest studies on happiness shows that it is the quality of our closest relationships – including friendships – that determines our life satisfaction.

It is vital to maintain one’s friendships as the years go on, and yet far too many people kind of fail in that department.

The question is… why?

Let’s find out.

People who struggle to hold onto friends as they get older often display these 6 behaviors.

1) They prioritize romance over friendship – always

Last week, my best friend and I had quite a heated conversation about how we felt let down by some of our other friends because they all seemed to slowly but surely drift away from us.

Sequestering themselves in their little couple bubbles, their friendships have been moved to the bottom of their priority list, and there is nothing we can do about it.

After all, you can’t force a friendship on someone who doesn’t have the emotional capacity or the desire to maintain it.

It’s saddening to see, and yet it’s what way too many people do – they prioritize their romantic lives to the point where their friendships fizzle out because they become too one-sided.

But as licensed counselor Suzanne Degges-White Ph.D. says, romance isn’t the only thing that can fulfill us: “You don’t have to find love to find a strong sense of attunement, support, and belonging—friends suffice!”

Look, I’m not saying friends and romantic partners should play the same role in your life. That’s basically impossible.

What I am saying, however, is that friendships have a very important role of their own, and they aren’t to be devalued just because you’re focusing on building a family or a career.

Far too often, people drift away from friends whilst in a relationship only to run back to them once the relationship is on the verge of breaking apart or has ended already.

A friend is not someone you can put away and pick back up as you please. In order to keep your friends around, you’ve got to actually put in the effort.

And speaking of which…

2) They approach friendships as a matter of convenience rather than effort

Growing up, most of our friendships are born as a side-effect of forced proximity. Classrooms, hobby clubs, the neighborhood where you live – they all play a role.

As a result, we often become friends with people we wouldn’t have necessarily befriended otherwise, people whose personalities may even clash with ours or who we only get along with because we have something in common.

Once you leave the environment where you interacted on a regular basis, though…

That’s when you actually have to try to keep the friendship going. And unfortunately, that is also where many people fail.

Now that their friendship is not a matter of convenience, they don’t realize that they’ve got to work in order to maintain it, from scheduling regular calls to messaging once in a while or meeting up a few times a year.

Sometimes, both people are faulty of this; other times, the friendship becomes one-sided, which then poisons it with bitterness.

Psychologist Roxy Zarrabi, Psy.D explains, “It takes two people to maintain a friendship. There needs to be reciprocation in order for a friendship to survive. Otherwise, the friendship starts to feel imbalanced and the person putting in energy and effort to maintain the friendship can start to feel resentful over time.”

3) They run away from conflict instead of embracing it as an opportunity to grow

I used to have a dear friend – let’s call her Rory – with whom we were very close during our university years.

Once university ended and Rory got into a long-term relationship, though, she began to cancel our hangouts, she no longer reached out as often, and for months on end, I felt like I was the only one putting in effort.

But when I brought up the issue and tried to talk to her about it, Rory played dead mouse. 

She withdrew even further, and when I tried to speak to her about it later on (after she reached out to me and acted like nothing was wrong), she said, “I could see you were upset with me, so I didn’t want to bother you.”

“But I was upset because you weren’t putting in effort,” I said, confused. “You can hardly fix that by disappearing on me.”

Conflict is an inevitable part of every relationship. The way you approach it is what determines whether you will grow through it or let it destroy your connection.

And people who struggle to hold onto friends as they get older tend to cower from it, which then drives their friends away.

4) They are resistant to change

Another behavior commonly shared by people who often lose their friends as time goes on is that they aren’t huge fans of change.

And what do I mean by that?

Well, they don’t really want to grow as people. Oftentimes, they’re stuck in one place, afraid of uncertainty, or unwilling to work on themselves, and as a result, they may find it difficult to embrace other people’s growth and progress throughout the years.

Every year – no, every month, every week – you are a new version of yourself. 

And this means that your lifestyle or personality may eventually differ from that of your friend even though you were basically spiritual twins just five years ago.

People often say that you can either grow in the same direction or grow apart, but I think there’s a third option that isn’t talked about nearly as often.

You can grow into different people who still accept and love each other.

Of course, you’ve got to be very open-minded and flexible in order to do that, which some people may struggle with.

5) They are always “busy with work”

Remember that study on happiness I mentioned?

Yeah. Your career, no matter how important, doesn’t determine your happiness as much as friends do.

If you can’t find the time to meet up with your friends because you’re “busy with work,” it may be time to look at your calendar and reconsider your priorities.

When you’re on your deathbed, are you going to think of that time you sent an email a bit too late, sighing, “Good times?”

The notion is ridiculous, right?

It is our closest ones that matter in the grand scheme of things.

Unfortunately, people who struggle to hold onto friends as they get older tend to lose sight of this. And then it comes to bite them when they actually do need a friend to confide in or go on a trip with.

6) They don’t know what they have until they’ve lost it

The power of gratitude cannot be underestimated here.

It is precisely gratitude and appreciation that remind us why we need to keep putting in the work and strive to maintain our friendships with others.

If you take your friends for granted, you might not think it necessary to show up for them and try your best to be a good friend.

Once they’re gone…

That is when you realize you should have appreciated them while they were still in your life.

So, don’t be that person. Text your friend. Schedule a meetup. 

Show your friends they matter.