“Growing up, my aunt would always say, ‘A little affection goes a long way.’ Affection is indeed a fundamental part of human connection and well-being. But what if giving and receiving affection feels like a Herculean task?

You see, not everyone finds it easy to express or accept affection. And you might think it’s because they are cold-hearted or lack empathy. But that’s far from the truth.

Rather, their struggle could be linked to certain experiences they had growing up that have shaped their behavior around affection.

If you’ve ever wondered why some people find it harder to give and receive affection, we’re about to dive into seven common childhood experiences that may shed some light on the issue.

1) They grew up in a love-scarce environment

Imagine this. A child growing up in a home where affection is as rare as a blue moon. It’s not a pretty picture, is it?

Sadly, this is the reality for some. When the environment lacks warmth, hugs, or words of praise, it becomes their “normal”. These children may grow up believing that this lack of affection is how relationships work.

Over time, they build walls around their emotions.

As John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory, noted, the absence of affection and secure attachment in early childhood often leads to difficulties in forming and expressing emotions in adulthood.

Giving and receiving affection feels foreign, almost uncomfortable to them because it’s not what they’re used to.

But their struggle doesn’t make them any less deserving of care and understanding; it’s just that their journey towards expressing and accepting affection might be a little more challenging.

2) They experienced consistent criticism

Growing up, I was no stranger to criticism. My father was a perfectionist, and nothing seemed to be good enough for him.

Every day was a constant barrage of “You could’ve done better” or “Why can’t you be more like so-and-so”. It was like walking on eggshells, always striving for an unreachable standard.

In time, I developed a thick skin. But it came at a cost. The constant criticism made me build walls around my emotions. I found it hard to express affection, and even harder to receive it without questioning the motives behind it.

If someone offered a compliment or showed me affection, I’d immediately think they wanted something in return or were setting me up for criticism. It was almost as if their kindness was a trap.

According to studies, early exposure to chronic stress or trauma can lead to an altered stress response, impacting emotional regulation and the ability to form secure relationships.

For people like me who grew up under constant criticism, showing and receiving affection can be a challenging process. We’re not cold or unfeeling; we’re just trying to navigate the world in the only way we learn how.

3) They went through traumatic events

Trauma has a way of seeping into the deepest corners of our hearts, doesn’t it? It changes how we perceive the world, how we interact with others, and how we understand love and affection.

Here’s the thing – trauma isn’t always loud and evident. It can be quiet, subtle, lurking behind the shadows of our minds. It could be the loss of a loved one at a young age, or witnessing a traumatic event that left an indelible mark.

If you know someone who struggles with affection due to past trauma, remember that their struggle isn’t a choice. It’s a coping mechanism they’ve adopted to protect their fragile hearts from further pain.

4) They had inconsistent parenting

Parenting, as we know, is no easy feat. However, inconsistent parenting can create a confusing world for a growing child.

This means that one day, parents may be warm and affectionate, but the next day, they might be distant and unresponsive.

For a child, this inconsistency can be very confusing and heartbreaking. They never know what to expect—whether they will be met with a hug or a cold shoulder.

Inconsistent parenting can often leave children feeling insecure and uncertain about expressing their emotions. So if someone you know struggles with giving or receiving affection, it could be that they’re still carrying the confusion and uncertainty from their childhood with them.

5) They were raised in a culture of emotional suppression

Did you know that in some cultures, emotions are seen as a sign of weakness? In such environments, children are often taught to suppress their feelings – to be stoic, to hide their tears, to put on a brave face.

If you know someone who struggles with giving and receiving affection, it might be that they were raised in a culture where emotions were seen as something to hide rather than express. They’re not emotionless; they’ve just been conditioned to suppress their feelings.

6) They had high levels of childhood stress

Childhood should be a time of joy and carefree play, but for some, it’s filled with stress far beyond their tender years.

When a child takes on responsibilities or worries that are too big for their age, it can profoundly affect their development. Instead of focusing on play and affection, they may find themselves preoccupied with concerns about their family or financial stability.

This high level of stress during formative years can make it difficult for them to express or receive affection later in life. Their minds may become so accustomed to stress that affection seems trivial in comparison.

7) They experienced neglect

Neglect, whether emotional or physical, can leave lasting scars that follow a person well into adulthood. This type of childhood maltreatment often leads to a deep-seated belief that one is unworthy of love and affection.

When a child’s basic needs are met, but emotional connection is absent, they might grow up feeling as though they aren’t significant enough to warrant attention and care.

As they enter adulthood, this internalized sense of unworthiness can make it difficult for them to accept affection from others. They may find it challenging to believe they deserve the love and attention they missed out on during their formative years.

Final thoughts

If you’ve recognized some of these experiences in your past or someone else’s, remember – understanding is the first step towards growth.

It’s important to acknowledge that these childhood experiences can shape our ability to give and receive affection. But they don’t have to define us forever.

Healing is possible. It might be a challenging journey, but it’s within your reach. With self-awareness, compassion, and patience, you can learn to navigate your emotional landscape more confidently.

Start by acknowledging your experiences and how they’ve impacted you. Then, gradually challenge yourself to step outside your comfort zone in expressing and receiving affection.

Remember, it’s okay to seek professional help if you need it. Therapists and counselors are equipped to guide you through this journey of self-discovery and healing.

But most importantly, be kind to yourself in this process. Healing takes time. It’s a journey of many small steps, not a sprint.