Speaking up in a relationship isn’t about bossing anyone around or making demands. It’s simply about being honest about what you need and want, without any sneaky tactics or aggression.

Unfortunately, lots of folks find this challenging, and it can lead to some noticeable behaviors. No judgment here, just a chance to learn and improve.

In this article, we’ll dive into ten behaviors commonly seen in people who struggle to assert themselves in relationships.

My goal is that spotting these patterns will help you (or someone you care about) move towards better communication and deeper connections.

1) They often say “yes” when they want to say “no”

Struggling to assert oneself often shows up in the difficulty of saying “no.” For these individuals, the fear of conflict or rejection often outweighs their own needs.

It’s a tough spot. They aim to keep the peace and harmony in the relationship, yet they end up suppressing their true feelings, risking resentment in the long run.

The key is understanding that saying “no” isn’t selfish or mean—it’s about setting healthy boundaries and ensuring your needs are considered too. That’s crucial for any balanced partnership.

Keep in mind, it’s not about picking fights, but about fostering honest communication. Being able to say “no” when necessary is a big part of that.

2) They tend to apologize excessively

I remember a time when I’d apologize for everything, even when it wasn’t my fault. It was like I felt responsible for every little mishap around me.

I used to think apologizing kept the peace and avoided conflict. But I didn’t realize I was chipping away at my own self-worth and credibility.

Over-apologizing can make others think you’re always to blame, and it can chip away at your self-esteem too.

It took me a while to realize this, but saying sorry less often doesn’t make you less caring or understanding. Instead, it helps you stand your ground and maintain respect in your relationships.

3) They often display non-assertive body language

Body language is a huge player in our communication game.

Research suggests that more than half of what we convey is through non-verbal cues—like facial expressions, gestures, posture, and eye contact.

Folks struggling with assertiveness often exhibit non-assertive body language. They might avoid eye contact, slouch, or use small, defensive gestures. This kind of body language screams insecurity and lack of confidence.

Getting a handle on your body language and presenting yourself with more confidence can massively boost how you assert yourself in relationships. Remember, it’s not just about what you say, but also how you say it.

4) They struggle with setting boundaries

Establishing boundaries in relationships is crucial for maintaining personal identity and space. Yet, for those grappling with assertiveness, this can be daunting.

There’s often a fear that setting boundaries will spark conflict or rejection, so they shy away to maintain peace. However, this often results in one-sided relationships where their needs are sidelined.

Learning to set and communicate boundaries effectively is key. It fosters a healthier balance, promoting mutual respect and understanding.

This way, both parties feel valued and heard, nurturing stronger relationships overall.

5) They often suppress their emotions

Holding back emotions is a common behavior among those who struggle with assertiveness in relationships. They may feel scared to express their feelings, worrying it might cause conflict or upset the other person.

However, suppressing emotions can lead to internal stress, anxiety, and even affect physical health over time. Moreover, it prevents genuine communication and understanding in relationships.

Expressing emotions constructively is a crucial part of being assertive. It’s about being honest about how you feel, without blaming or criticizing others.

By doing so, you allow for deeper connections and healthier interactions in your relationships.

6) They constantly seek validation

Everyone craves affirmation and validation from their loved ones. Yet, for those grappling with assertiveness, this need can spiral into a relentless quest, overshadowing their own self-worth.

They may constantly seek approval from partners, friends, or family, tethering their self-esteem to others’ perceptions. This reliance on external validation can drain them emotionally and chip away at their confidence.

But here’s the deal: Your validation should come from within. Others’ opinions matter, sure, but they shouldn’t dictate your worth. You are more than enough just as you are, and it’s perfectly fine to remind yourself of that, loud and clear.

7) They often feel overwhelmed by conflict

Conflict used to petrify me. Even the tiniest disagreement left me rattled and overwhelmed. I’d opt for agreement or silence to dodge potential arguments.

But here’s the kicker: Conflict doesn’t always spell doom and gloom. It’s part and parcel of any relationship. Dodging it just stashes away problems and brews up frustration.

Dealing with conflict assertively is the key. It’s about tackling issues head-on, yet with respect. You voice your thoughts sans attacking the other person and remain open to their side too.

This approach? It’s the magic wand for better understanding, smoother communication, and rock-solid relationships in the long haul.

8) They often agree for the sake of agreement

On the surface, always agreeing might seem like a good strategy to maintain harmony in relationships. However, constant agreement, even when you don’t truly agree, can lead to a lack of honesty in your interactions.

People who struggle with assertiveness tend to agree more often, not because they genuinely concur, but because they want to avoid potential conflict or discomfort.  

Here’s the golden rule: Speak your truth, even if it’s not the popular opinion. It’s the secret sauce for juicier conversations and deeper bonds.  

9) They avoid confrontation

Confrontation can be uncomfortable, and for those who struggle with assertiveness, it’s often something they try to avoid at all costs. They may fear that confronting someone about a problem will lead to conflict or damage the relationship.

However, avoiding confrontation doesn’t make the problem go away. In fact, it can often make things worse as issues remain unresolved and feelings of resentment may build up.

Learning to confront issues in a respectful and clear manner is a crucial part of being assertive. It allows you to address problems head-on, fostering open communication and resolution in your relationships.

10) They rarely express their needs openly

When it comes to assertiveness, the key is to openly and honestly express your needs and desires.

But for those grappling with assertiveness, this can be tough. They might fret about being perceived as pushy or self-centered.

However, expressing your needs isn’t about being self-centered. It’s about communicating clearly what you need to feel content, respected, and valued in your relationships.

When you’re able to speak up about your needs, it opens doors to better communication, deeper understanding, and, ultimately, healthier connections. 

Speak your truth, assert your worth

Becoming assertive can feel like an uphill climb, but it’s a skill you can hone over time.

Everyone’s journey toward assertiveness is unique, shaped by past experiences, upbringing, personality, and cultural background.

Assertiveness isn’t about dominance or aggression—it’s about speaking your truth while respecting others’ rights and feelings. It’s finding that sweet spot between your needs and theirs.

Becoming more assertive often leads to self-discovery, boosted self-esteem, and healthier relationships. Even small steps count big time.

It’s your journey—challenging, yes, but oh-so rewarding.