It’s a tough realization when you see your circle of friends dwindling as you enter your 30s and beyond. Often, this is not a result of losing touch, but rather certain behaviors that can unintentionally push people away.

The tricky part is that most people don’t even realize they’re doing it. They continue on, unknowingly sabotaging their friendships with these habitual patterns.

So what are these behaviors? And how can we recognize them in ourselves before it’s too late?

In this article, we delve into the 7 behaviors commonly exhibited by people who start losing friends in their 30s and beyond – often without even realizing it.

1) Not keeping in touch

As we age and life gets busier, it’s easy to let communication with friends slip.

Working long hours, raising children, or just dealing with the daily grind can all take a toll on our time and energy. As a result, we may unintentionally let friendships go on the back burner.

The problem is, friendships need nurturing to survive. A simple text or call every now and then can keep the connection alive. But when we stop making that effort, our friends may feel neglected and drift away.

The sad part is most people don’t even realize they’re doing it. They might think they’re just busy and that their friends will understand. But over time, these gaps in communication can lead to lost friendships.

So if you find yourself losing friends in your 30s and beyond, take a minute to think. Are you making the effort to keep in touch? If not, it might be time to start reaching out again.

2) Becoming overly self-focused

Admittedly, I’ve been guilty of this one myself.

As I climbed the corporate ladder in my 30s, my career became my primary focus. I was so consumed with work and personal success that I started neglecting my friends.

I’d always have an excuse to bail on plans or I’d steer every conversation towards my own achievements and challenges. It wasn’t until a close friend pointed out how self-centered I’d become that I realized the extent of my behavior.

The truth is, friendships are a two-way street. They require give and take. No one wants to be friends with someone who only talks about themselves or whose life revolves entirely around their own needs and wants.

Looking back, I realized that my self-focused behavior was driving people away. I’ve since made a conscious effort to be more attentive and interested in my friends’ lives, and I can honestly say it’s made a huge difference in the quality and quantity of my friendships.

3) Negativity and constant complaining

Did you know that our brains are wired to respond more intensely to negative events than positive ones? This is a survival mechanism meant to alert us to potential dangers.

Now, imagine being around a person who is always negative and constantly complaining. It can feel like being in a state of perpetual alert, which is mentally and emotionally draining.

Even if the complaints are justified, nobody wants to be around a Debbie Downer all the time. It’s exhausting and can quickly dampen any social gathering.

Over time, this can lead to friends distancing themselves, often without the complainer even realizing the impact of their negativity. Maintaining a positive outlook, or at least not constantly venting about every little thing, can go a long way in preserving friendships.

4) Lack of empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, and it’s a crucial element in any strong friendship.

However, as we get older and more set in our ways, we can sometimes lose sight of this. We might become so absorbed in our own lives and problems that we forget to consider the feelings and perspectives of those around us.

This lack of empathy can be off-putting. It can make friends feel like they’re not being heard or understood, which can lead to feelings of frustration and resentment.

Remember, everyone is fighting their own battles, and showing a little understanding can go a long way in maintaining strong friendships. If you’re finding it hard to empathize with others, it might be time to pause and reassess your approach to your friendships.

5) Being overly critical

I’ve always been a perfectionist, and for a long time, I had a tendency to project my high standards onto my friends. I’d find myself pointing out their mistakes or offering unsolicited advice, thinking I was helping them improve.

But over time, I noticed a shift. Friends started to pull away or seemed uncomfortable around me. It was a hard pill to swallow, but I came to realize that my constant criticism was hurting my relationships.

No one likes to be constantly picked apart or corrected. It’s important to remember that everyone is different, with their own strengths and weaknesses. Offering support and understanding, rather than criticism, can make our friendships stronger and more fulfilling.

6) Not being reliable

Reliability is a cornerstone of any good friendship. Whether it’s showing up when you say you will, keeping a secret, or being there in times of need, friends should be able to count on each other.

However, as life gets busier in our 30s and beyond, it can be easy to let reliability slip. Maybe you cancel plans last minute because something else came up, or you forget to return a call or text.

These might seem like small things, but over time, they can erode trust and make friends feel undervalued. To maintain strong friendships, it’s important to honor our commitments and show our friends that they can count on us.

7) Failing to grow and change

It’s a simple truth that people grow and change over time. Our interests evolve, our circumstances shift, and our outlooks on life can transform.

While it’s natural to hold onto the person we used to be, refusing to grow and change can take a toll on our friendships. Friends might start to feel like they can’t relate to us anymore, or that we’re stuck in the past.

This doesn’t mean we have to change who we are at our core. But being open to new experiences, adjusting our attitudes, and growing with our friends rather than apart from them can help us maintain those important relationships well into adulthood.

Final thoughts

At the heart of it all, maintaining friendships as we age is largely about self-awareness. It’s about recognizing how our behaviors can impact those around us and taking steps to adjust where necessary.

As humans, we’re wired for connection. Studies suggest that having strong, healthy relationships can contribute to longer, happier lives. But these relationships require effort, empathy, and a willingness to evolve.

Whether it’s being more reliable, less critical, more empathetic, or simply keeping in touch more regularly, these small changes can have a big impact on the strength and longevity of our friendships.

It’s never too late to improve our behaviors and better our relationships.  After all, as the saying goes, “Friends are the family we choose for ourselves.”