There’s a thin line between being genuinely nice and just putting up a front.

Sometimes, people who appear nice on the surface can be hiding a deeply ingrained self-absorption. It’s a tricky reality that we often overlook.

Hi, I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder of Hack Spirit and a long-time student of mindfulness and Buddhism. Over the years, I’ve noticed that these pretenders often reveal themselves through subtle behaviors.

In this article, I’m going to share with you the eight subtle behaviors usually displayed by people who might seem nice and friendly but are actually self-absorbed deep down.

This isn’t about pointing fingers or judging others; instead, it’s about understanding human nature better and being aware of what lies beneath the surface. 

Let’s dive in. 

1) They rarely listen, but always talk

One of the most subtle yet revealing signs of a person who is self-absorbed, despite appearing nice, is their listening skills – or rather, the lack of them.

In my studies of mindfulness and Buddhism, I’ve learnt that genuine listening is a fundamental act of kindness and compassion. It’s about being present in the moment and truly absorbing what the other person is saying.

But for someone who is self-absorbed deep down, this concept may not truly resonate. You’ll often find them dominating conversations, always keen to share their experiences or opinions, but rarely showing genuine interest or patience to listen to yours.

It’s not that they’re intentionally rude or dismissive. On the surface, they might seem quite pleasant and engaging. But their persistent need to talk about themselves subtly reveals a lack of empathy and mindfulness.

True kindness isn’t just about being nice. It’s also about being genuinely interested in others and their stories. If someone seems nice but doesn’t give you the space to express yourself, it might be a sign of their underlying self-absorption.

2) Their actions rarely match their words

Another telltale sign of a person who is self-absorbed under the guise of niceness is the inconsistency between their words and actions.

My journey in studying mindfulness has taught me the powerful lesson of being true to one’s word. As the renowned mindfulness expert, Thich Nhat Hanh, once said, “Words without action are just words.”

People who are self-absorbed often promise more than they can deliver. They may say all the right things, making grand claims about their intentions or commitments, but when it comes to showing up and doing the work, they often fall short.

This isn’t to say they are inherently bad or dishonest. On the surface, they may truly believe in what they’re saying and have the best intentions. But their self-absorption can make them overpromise and underdeliver, as they are more focused on themselves than on their commitments to others.

3) They struggle with the concept of ‘impermanence’

In Buddhism, one of the central teachings is the concept of ‘impermanence’, the belief that all things, including the self, are changing and transient. This understanding helps foster empathy and compassion for others, as we recognize that we are all part of the same ever-changing flow of life.

However, people who seem nice but are self-absorbed deep down often struggle with this core principle. They tend to view themselves as a fixed entity, separate from others and the world around them. This self-centered perspective can make them oblivious to the needs and feelings of others.

While they may not be intentionally harmful or egotistic, this lack of understanding about impermanence can lead them to prioritize their own needs and desires over those of others. They’re often more focused on maintaining their own status quo than considering how their actions might affect others.

4) They lack mindfulness in their interactions

Mindfulness is about being fully present and engaged in each moment, including our interactions with others. It means truly listening, showing empathy, and giving others our full attention.

Unfortunately, those who are self-absorbed often lack this mindfulness. While they might be physically present in a conversation or an interaction, their minds are often elsewhere – usually focused on their own thoughts, feelings, problems, or interests.

This lack of mindfulness can manifest as a failure to remember details about others, constantly steering the conversation back to themselves, or a general lack of interest in what’s happening around them unless it directly affects them.

It’s a subtle behavior that’s easy to overlook or excuse, but it’s a clear sign of self-absorption. Even if someone appears nice on the surface, if they consistently fail to be mindful and present in their interactions with others, it’s worth considering whether they might be more focused on themselves than they initially appear.

5) They rarely practice self-reflection

Self-reflection is a crucial aspect of personal growth and understanding oneself better. As I’ve explored in my book, Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, self-awareness is key to reducing ego and increasing empathy towards others.

However, people who are self-absorbed, despite appearing nice on the surface, often lack this habit of self-reflection. They seem more focused on external validation than on truly understanding their own minds and behaviors.

This doesn’t mean they’re not nice people or that they’re intentionally self-absorbed. But without regular self-reflection, it’s easy for them to become caught up in their own world and overlook the impact of their behavior on others.

If you notice someone consistently avoiding introspection or dismissing the importance of self-awareness, it could be a sign of subtle, underlying self-absorption.

6) They have difficulty embracing ‘non-attachment’

A key principle in both Buddhism and mindfulness is the idea of ‘non-attachment’, the understanding that clinging to people, things, or outcomes only leads to suffering.

However, individuals who are self-absorbed, even if they seem nice on the surface, often struggle with this concept. They might be excessively attached to their own opinions, desires, or comfort, showing a reluctance to compromise or consider alternate perspectives.

This behavior isn’t necessarily malicious. They might genuinely believe they’re acting in the best interest. But their inability to let go of their own needs and consider others can ultimately lead to conflict and misunderstanding.

If you find someone who is resistant to change, stubborn about their viewpoints, or overly focused on getting their own way, it could indicate a deeper self-absorption masked by an outward niceness.

7) They struggle to show genuine empathy

Empathy, as mindfulness expert Jon Kabat-Zinn says, “is a radical act of love”. It’s about understanding and sharing the feelings of others, stepping outside of our own experiences to truly connect with someone else.

However, those who are self-absorbed often struggle with this. Despite appearing nice on the surface, they might find it difficult to grasp the emotions or perspectives of others, especially when it doesn’t align with their own experiences or beliefs.

This lack of empathy isn’t always intentional. They might not even realize they’re doing it. But this inability to genuinely empathize can be a clear sign of underlying self-absorption.

8) They’re overly critical of others

It might seem counterintuitive, but those who are self-absorbed can often be overly critical of others. At first glance, this might make them seem discerning or straightforward, but it’s often a reflection of their lack of mindfulness.

Mindfulness teaches us to accept things as they are, without judgment or negativity. However, self-absorbed individuals often struggle with this aspect. They’re quick to point out others’ flaws or mistakes but rarely apply the same critical eye to their own behavior.

This isn’t to say they’re bad or mean-spirited people. They might genuinely believe they’re being helpful or realistic. But this harsh judgment of others can signal a deeper self-absorption, revealing a focus on their own perspective and a lack of understanding or empathy for others.

Conclusion

Recognizing these subtle behaviors can be eye-opening. It helps us understand people better and navigate our relationships with more awareness. Remember, these signs are not meant to judge or label others, but to offer a deeper understanding of human nature.

If you’re interested in learning more about how to manage your own ego and live with greater impact, I invite you to check out my book Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego. It’s a deep dive into the wisdom of Buddhism and mindfulness, offering practical insights for living a more balanced and compassionate life.

At the end of the day, it’s about cultivating empathy and understanding towards ourselves and others, even those who might seem self-absorbed. Because in truth, we’re all just trying to navigate this complex journey of life in the best way we can.