People who overparent their adult children usually display these 8 behaviors (without realizing it)

Eliza Hartley by Eliza Hartley | October 23, 2024, 9:07 pm

Parenting doesn’t come with a manual and striking the right balance between guiding your children and letting them make their own decisions can be tricky, especially when they become adults.

Often, parents may go overboard with their involvement in their adult children’s lives, without even realizing it. This is known as overparenting.

Overparenting adult children means you might be crossing boundaries, even with the best intentions at heart.

In this article, we will explore eight common behaviors displayed by parents who overparent their adult children, often without even realizing they’re doing it. Understanding these behaviors can help us step back when necessary and let our adult kids live their own lives.

1) Constant worry

One of the most common behaviors displayed by parents who overparent their adult children is excessive worry.

It’s natural for parents to worry about their children, no matter their age. But when this worry starts to dominate the parent-child relationship, it’s a sign of overparenting.

Overparenting parents often struggle with anxiety about their adult children’s lives. They may constantly fret about their decisions, careers, relationships, and overall well-being.

While it’s borne out of love and concern, this constant worry can be stifling for their adult children. It often leads to unnecessary interference in their lives, even when they’re capable of managing on their own.

It’s important to remember that worry is not a form of love or care – it’s a sign that it might be time to take a step back and trust your adult child to navigate their own life.

2) Inability to let go

Another common trait I’ve noticed in parents, including myself at times, who overparent their adult children is the inability to let go.

I remember when my daughter first moved out. I found myself constantly calling her to check if she’d eaten properly, if she’d locked her doors at night, or to remind her about paying bills. It took me a while to realize that I was still trying to parent her as if she were still a child living under my roof.

Overparenting can often stem from the fear of your child failing or getting hurt. But it’s crucial to understand that failure is a part of life and a valuable learning experience. It’s through overcoming obstacles that our children grow into resilient adults.

So if you, like me, find yourself struggling to let go, it might be worth reflecting on whether you’re stepping over the line from caring parent to overparenting adult child.

3) Over-involvement in decision making

Parents who overparent their adult children often exhibit a high level of involvement in their decision-making processes. This might range from small decisions, like what to cook for dinner, to larger ones, like career choices or who to marry.

A study found that parents’ excessive involvement in adult children’s lives could lead to negative impacts, such as decreased life satisfaction and increased depression.

When parents involve themselves excessively in their adult children’s decisions, it can undermine their confidence and ability to make decisions independently. It’s crucial for parents to step back and let their adult children make their own choices, even if they make mistakes along the way. After all, learning from our own decisions, good or bad, is a vital part of personal growth and development.

4) Frequent unsolicited advice

Offering unsolicited advice is another classic behavior of parents who overparent their adult children. While it’s natural for parents to guide and advise their children, it can become problematic when it’s unwarranted and constant.

This often comes from a place of concern and a desire to help, but it can make the adult child feel undermined and incapable. This behavior can limit self-confidence and create dependency, making it harder for them to handle situations on their own.

As parents, it’s important to offer advice when asked or when it’s truly necessary. However, continually stepping in with unsolicited advice can hinder your adult child’s growth. Instead, try to trust in their judgment and ability to make sound decisions.

5) Using guilt as a tool

Sadly, some parents who overparent their adult children may resort to using guilt as a tool for influence. This behavior can be quite damaging and often strains the relationship between the parent and their adult child.

Parents might use phrases like “After all I’ve done for you,” or “I only want what’s best for you,” to sway their adult children’s decisions. While these statements may be true, they often carry an underlying message of obligation and debt, which can make the child feel guilty for wanting to make independent choices.

It’s important to remember that love should never be about indebtedness. We raise our children with love and care, not so they can repay us, but so they can grow into independent, compassionate adults. Using guilt as a tool not only harms your relationship with your child but also hampers their ability to make decisions freely from a place of confidence and self-assurance.

6) Struggling with an empty nest

When my youngest child moved out, the house suddenly felt a lot emptier. It was a tough transition, finding myself with so much time and so few parenting duties. This empty nest syndrome is something many parents grapple with, and it can lead to overparenting tendencies.

In my case, I found myself calling my kids more often, constantly checking in on them. It took some self-awareness and understanding from my children to realize that I was overstepping boundaries.

The empty nest period is a significant shift, and it’s okay to find it challenging. But it’s crucial not to let these feelings translate into excessive involvement in our adult children’s lives.

7) Difficulty in accepting their adult child’s independence

Parents who overparent their adult children often have a hard time accepting their child’s independence. This is especially true when the child’s choices or lifestyle deviates from what the parent envisioned for them.

Whether it’s opting for a non-traditional career path, choosing to delay marriage, or adopting a lifestyle different from their own, these parents struggle to come to terms with these decisions. Instead, they may pressure their adult child to conform to their expectations.

However, it’s important to understand that each individual has the right to shape their own life journey. As parents, our role evolves from decision-makers to supporters as our children grow.

8) Lack of respect for boundaries

The most crucial behavior to be aware of when it comes to overparenting adult children is a lack of respect for boundaries. This can manifest in numerous ways: showing up unannounced, snooping into personal matters, or making decisions without consultation.

These actions, while often stemming from a place of concern, can infringe upon the adult child’s space and autonomy. It’s important to remember that, regardless of the parent-child relationship, every individual has a right to their own privacy and personal space.

Respecting these boundaries is not only vital for the adult child’s development but also for maintaining a healthy and mutually respectful relationship between parents and their adult children.