I’ve always thought friendships were like shoes.

Some are just for show, meant for casual outings and easy conversations, while others—the ones that truly fit—are rare and take time to break in.

There’s something to be said for the difference between a deep, soul-bonding friendship and one that barely scratches the surface.

I used to think they all served their purpose, but as I got older, I began to notice patterns—behaviors that gave away which friendships were just for show. The kind where you never get past small talk or an Instagram like.

If you’ve ever wondered why certain friendships never seem to move beyond the shallow end, let’s take a closer look. You might just see some familiar signs.

1) They keep conversations light

One of the most telltale signs of surface-level friendships is the nature of conversations.

People with shallow friendships tend to stick to light, non-intimate topics.

You’ll find them always talking about the weather, celebrity gossip or the latest TV shows, but rarely about their personal life or deeper thoughts and emotions.

Why? Well, going into personal matters requires a certain level of vulnerability and trust – something that’s often missing in surface-level friendships.

According to research by Brené Brown, vulnerability is a crucial part of forming deep, meaningful connections. Without it, conversations tend to remain superficial, keeping friendships on a surface level​.

Keeping conversations light and casual is a safe zone. It’s an effortless way to maintain a connection without really getting emotionally involved.

The next time you find yourself in a conversation that never moves beyond the superficial, consider it a sign of a surface-level friendship. 

2) They don’t reach out unless they need something

Another common trait among those who maintain surface-level friendships is that they only reach out when they need something.

Now, let me share a personal example. I had a friend – let’s call her Lisa. We’d meet up, hang out, and have fun. But I noticed a pattern. Lisa would only ever call or text me when she needed a favor or help with something.

Whether it was help with moving to a new apartment or advice on a work issue, our interactions seemed to be centered around her needs.

This made me realize that our friendship was just very convenient for her, and she didn’t consider it a genuine connection. It was a clear sign of a surface-level friendship.

True friends look out for each other’s needs equally.

If someone is only focused on what they can get out of the relationship without considering their friend’s needs, it’s probably not a healthy friendship, as Marisa Franco, PhD, a psychologist and professor, points out.

True friends are there for each other, not just in times of need, but because they genuinely enjoy each other’s company.

3) They avoid emotional investment

Individuals who tend to have surface-level friendships often avoid emotional investment. They tend to keep their conversations light, actively avoiding emotional attachment.

Emotional investment can be scary for some people. It involves opening up, showing vulnerability and potentially getting hurt.

Research shows that people can have strong emotional reactions to both real and imagined situations, sometimes leading to fear or discomfort, even when the situation isn’t real (Emotional Responses to Fiction and Pretend Play).

For those who prefer surface-level friendships, the risk of emotional pain can outweigh the potential benefits of a deeper connection. As a result, they choose to keep their feelings guarded and their friendships superficial.

4) Their interactions are largely social media based

In the digital age, one common trait of surface-level friendships is the nature of interactions. These friendships often exist mostly on social media platforms.

For these individuals, liking a post, leaving a brief comment or sending an occasional message is the extent of their engagement.

You might notice that they rarely make an effort to meet in person or even have a meaningful phone call.

This reliance on social media for interactions allows them to maintain the illusion of connection, while keeping the actual relationship at a comfortable, superficial level.

It’s an easy way to keep up with each other’s lives without truly being a part of them.

5) They don’t share personal details

With surface-level friendships, there’s often a distinct lack of personal detail sharing.

These friends might know your job title, your favorite coffee shop, or maybe even your dog’s name. But when it comes to the more intimate details of your life, they’re usually in the dark.

This is because sharing personal information requires trust and emotional investment – two key elements often missing from these types of relationships.

By keeping things vague and impersonal, they maintain a safe distance, ensuring the friendship stays comfortably on the surface.

6) They don’t offer emotional support

Friendships, at their core, require mutual support and understanding. However, in surface-level friendships, emotional support can be conspicuously absent.

When you’re going through a tough time, these friends might offer a quick “I’m sorry to hear that” or a generic “things will get better”.

But you’ll rarely find them truly empathizing with your situation or offering heartfelt comfort.

It’s not that they don’t care; it’s just that emotional support requires a level of depth and vulnerability that doesn’t fit with the dynamics of a surface-level friendship.

This lack of emotional support can leave you feeling alone and unsupported, even when surrounded by these friends.

7) They’re not there in times of need

This one hits close to home. I remember a time when I was going through a tough phase, dealing with personal issues and emotions.

I reached out to a friend, someone I had spent a lot of time with but always in a casual setting.

I was met with silence. No word, no support, nothing. It was then that I realized the depth – or lack thereof – in our friendship.

This is often the case with surface-level friendships. These friends are great for fun outings and casual hangouts.

But when you really need someone by your side, they might not be there. It’s a harsh reality, but an important one to recognize.

8) They focus on quantity over quality

People who prefer surface-level friendships often focus more on the quantity of friends rather than the quality of the relationships.

You’ll find them surrounded by a large group of people at parties or events, constantly making new acquaintances.

They might be popular and well-known, but when it comes to deep, meaningful connections, they might fall short.

For these individuals, having numerous casual friends provides a sense of social validation, even if these relationships lack depth and emotional connection.

Their social circle is wide, but not necessarily deep.

9) They don’t invest time in deepening the friendship

The most prominent sign of surface-level friendships is the lack of effort to deepen the relationship. Friendships, like any relationship, require time, effort, and nurturing to grow and deepen.

However, people who prefer surface-level friendships often don’t invest this effort. They are satisfied with the status quo and see no reason to deepen the relationship.

This lack of investment is a clear sign of a surface-level friendship.

True friendships require investment from both parties – not just in good times, but in challenging times as well.

Final thoughts: What you give is what you get

I’ve come to realize that friendships are one of the few things in life where the return is equal to the investment.

If we’re honest with ourselves, we all know which friendships we keep at arm’s length and which ones we’re truly willing to nurture.

The thing is, you can’t really blame someone else for keeping things shallow if you’re doing the same. Like a good pair of shoes, the best friendships are worn in over time.

But here’s the catch—you get to decide whether you want to break them in or just keep them on display.

So, ask yourself: are you investing in the connections that matter? Because, in the end, the friendships that truly fit are the ones we cherish most.