Growing up, many of us have felt unheard or overlooked at one time or another. Sadly, for some, this feeling was more of a constant than a rarity.

These experiences during our formative years often shape our behaviors and interactions as adults. Those who often felt unheard in their youth tend to exhibit certain patterns in adulthood.

In this piece, we will explore the 7 common behaviors exhibited by adults who never felt heard during their upbringing. It’s important to note that these behaviors aren’t set in stone.

They are simply common tendencies, and understanding them can provide valuable insights into why some people act the way they do.

Let’s get started. 

1) They often over-communicate

People who never felt heard growing up tend to become adults who over-communicate. It’s not hard to see why.

Imagine a child who’s constantly trying to express their thoughts, feelings, or ideas but feels like no one ever listens. This child grows up into an adult who, subconsciously, is still trying to be heard.

They may over-explain their actions, talk more than necessary, or repeat themselves often. It’s as if they’re trying to make sure they leave no room for misunderstanding or dismissal.

This isn’t necessarily a negative behavior. In fact, it can lead to clear communication and thorough explanations. But it can become exhausting for both the speaker and the listener when taken to the extreme.

2) They become people pleasers

I’ve noticed in my own life that growing up feeling unheard has led me, and others I know with similar experiences, to develop people-pleasing habits.

For instance, I used to find myself constantly agreeing with others, even when I had a different opinion. I’d go out of my way to do things for people, often at the expense of my own needs. The fear of rejection or being overlooked was so strong that I’d rather keep quiet and blend in.

This behavior is a defense mechanism developed in response to not feeling heard as a child. It’s as if we’re trying to earn our place in conversations or relationships by being agreeable and helpful.

But over time, I’ve realized that this habit can lead to resentment and loss of identity. It’s important to find a balance where you can express your thoughts and feelings without the fear of being disregarded or rejected.

3) They struggle with self-confidence

Self-confidence is deeply rooted in our early experiences. When children are listened to and their ideas are valued, they grow up believing in their worth and abilities. On the flip side, those who often felt unheard as kids may struggle with self-confidence as adults.

Children who grow up feeling unheard are more likely to have lower self-esteem. This can impact various aspects of their adult life, from personal relationships to career growth.

They may constantly doubt their decisions, hesitate to voice their opinions, or feel uncomfortable asserting themselves. It’s a challenge they have to deal with, but with awareness and effort, this can be overcome.

4) They exhibit passive-aggressive behavior

People who grew up feeling unheard sometimes develop passive-aggressive behavior as adults. If you think about it, it makes sense.

As children, they might have felt that expressing their emotions directly led to dismissal or rejection. So, they learned to express their feelings indirectly instead.

As adults, this can translate into behaviors like sarcasm, avoidance, or backhanded compliments. It’s a way of expressing dissatisfaction or disagreement without confronting the issue head-on.

Understanding this pattern can be key to breaking it and learning healthier ways to express emotions and handle conflict.

5) They tend to carry guilt

I remember a time when I felt responsible for the emotional well-being of those around me. If someone was upset, I automatically assumed that it was my fault.

This sense of guilt is common among those who felt unheard while growing up. It’s as if we’re trying to compensate for our perceived inadequacies by taking on responsibilities that aren’t really ours.

This unnecessary guilt can be quite burdensome and can prevent us from experiencing genuine happiness and freedom. It took me a while to realize this and even longer to let go of the guilt, but it’s been one of the most liberating experiences of my life.

6) They have difficulty trusting others

Trust is a fundamental aspect of any relationship. However, for those who felt unheard during their childhood, trust can be a challenging concept.

They may find it difficult to believe that someone else will genuinely listen to them or value their opinion. This lack of trust can lead to guarded interactions, causing strain in relationships.

While it’s challenging, it’s crucial for individuals dealing with this issue to understand that not everyone will disregard their thoughts and feelings. With time and positive experiences, trust can be built and relationships can flourish.

7) They are resilient

While the behaviors we’ve discussed can be challenging, it’s essential to remember that individuals who felt unheard growing up often possess a remarkable degree of resilience. They’ve navigated difficult situations and learned to adapt.

This resilience is a powerful trait. It can drive them to become excellent listeners, empathetic friends, and compassionate leaders. With the right support and understanding, they can use their experiences to make positive impacts in their lives and the lives of others.

Final thoughts: Understanding is key

The human psyche is a complex and fascinating entity, shaped by countless factors including our childhood experiences.

For those who often felt unheard during their formative years, the world can present unique challenges and perspectives. However, understanding these behaviors and their roots can be transformative for both individuals and those around them.

Dr. Carl Rogers, a prominent psychologist, once said, “When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good.”

That’s the essence of what we’re discussing here. Making an effort to truly listen to someone – whether it’s a friend, family member, or even yourself – can make a world of difference.

The journey may be challenging, but with understanding and compassion, those who felt unheard can find their voice and use their experiences as a strength rather than a setback.