Manipulation isn’t always as blatant as a puppet master controlling his marionettes. Sometimes, it’s far more subtle, even unnoticeable.

In fact, there are people who excel at manipulation without being obvious, and chances are you wouldn’t even know you’re being manipulated until it’s too late.

To the untrained eye, these individuals may seem like they’re just persuasive or charismatic. But in reality, they could be manipulating you in ways you don’t even realize.

Psychology points out certain signs that these stealth manipulators often display. In this article, I’ll share with you these 10 telltale signs so you can spot and navigate around such manipulation.

1) They’re masters of ‘social proof’

Manipulators are adept at using social proof to their advantage. Social proof, a psychological concept popularized by Robert Cialdini, suggests people are more likely to conform to actions that they perceive as socially accepted or popular.

A manipulator will subtly use this principle to their advantage. They might show you how others are doing something – not necessarily because it’s the best or right thing, but because it serves their purpose.

As renowned psychologist Carl Jung once said, “People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul.” In the hands of a manipulator using social proof, this can mean following the crowd even when it’s not in your best interest.

Observing such behaviour can be a crucial sign that you’re dealing with someone who is manipulating without being obvious. Just remember, while social proof can be a useful persuasion tool, it can also be a powerful tool for manipulation if used unethically.

2) They’re experts at exploiting reciprocity

Reciprocity is another powerful psychological principle. It suggests that we feel obliged to return favors or kindness shown to us.

A few years ago, I met someone who seemed friendly and generous. They would often lend me a hand, even without me asking. Later, however, I noticed that every act of kindness was followed by a request or an expectation.

At first, I thought I was just returning the favor. However, as time went on, I realized their helpfulness wasn’t out of genuine goodwill. They were using my sense of obligation to manipulate my actions subtly.

The famous psychologist B.F. Skinner once said, “The way positive reinforcement is carried out is more important than the amount.” This person was reinforcing their requests with prior acts of kindness, making it hard for me to say no.

The lesson is clear: if you notice someone’s favors always come with strings attached, you might be dealing with a subtle manipulator.

3) They play the victim card

Some manipulators are experts at playing the victim. They have a knack for twisting situations to make themselves appear as the innocent party, even when they’re not.

A personal experience of mine comes to mind. I had a friend who, no matter what happened, always seemed to be the ‘wronged’ party. It was an endless cycle of drama and they were always at the center, seemingly helpless and wronged.

Psychologist Albert Ellis once said, “The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own.” But this friend never took responsibility for their actions. Instead, they manipulated situations to appear as the victim, subtly shifting blame and avoiding accountability.

If you come across someone who always seems to be the victim, be cautious. It might be a subtle manipulation tactic to gain sympathy and control others.

4) They resort to guilt tripping

Manipulators often resort to guilt-tripping to get their way. They know how to make you feel guilty for things you shouldn’t, just to manipulate your actions and decisions.

I recall a former colleague who would consistently make others feel bad for not helping them, even with tasks outside their job description. The colleague would often say things like, “I thought you were my friend,” or “I would do it for you,” making us feel guilty and obligated to help.

Famed psychologist Sigmund Freud noted, “He does not believe that does not live according to his belief.” In this case, my colleague didn’t genuinely believe in the value of mutual help; they were just exploiting our guilt to their advantage.

So if someone consistently makes you feel guilty for not doing what they want, it’s a sign they might be subtly manipulating you.

5) They are excessively charming

It may sound counterintuitive, but excessive charm can be a sign of subtle manipulation. It’s a way for manipulators to disarm you, making it easier for them to sway your actions or decisions.

I once knew someone who was incredibly charming. They’d always have the right compliments, make everyone laugh, and seemingly be the life of the party. But beneath that charm, they were subtly steering conversations and situations to their benefit.

Psychologist Carl Rogers said, “The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.” This person had learned how to charm and change their behavior to manipulate situations.

Remember, charm isn’t inherently bad. But when used excessively and with hidden intentions, it can serve as a tool for manipulation. So if someone’s charm feels too good to be true, it just might be.

6) They use passive-aggressive tactics

Manipulators often use passive-aggressive behavior to subtly get their way. These tactics can include non-verbal cues, sarcasm, or indirect communication to express their discontent or manipulate a situation.

Think about a person from your life who often uses backhanded compliments or veiled criticism. They might say something like, “I’m not surprised you didn’t finish the task on time,” or “It’s okay, not everyone can be as dedicated as me”. It’s a subtle way of making you feel inadequate or guilty without directly addressing the issue.

The renowned psychologist Abraham Maslow once observed, “What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself.” Passive-aggressive manipulators are experts at changing your awareness of yourself and the situation subtly, leading you to question your actions and choices.

If someone in your life often resorts to passive-aggressive behavior, be wary. It might be a sign of subtle manipulation.

7) They create a sense of urgency

Creating a sense of urgency is a classic tactic used by manipulators. By making you feel as though you need to make a decision quickly, they can push you into choices that may not be in your best interest.

I remember when I was looking to buy my first car. The dealer kept emphasizing how the deal was a ‘limited-time offer’ and how I ‘wouldn’t find anything better.’ I felt rushed and anxious, which led me to buy the car without properly considering other options.

Famous psychologist Philip Zimbardo once said, “Stress results from a mismatch between demand and response capability.” The car dealer created a demand and a sense of urgency that exceeded my capability to respond thoughtfully.

If you notice someone frequently creating a sense of urgency and stressing quick decisions, be alert. It’s often a subtle sign of manipulation.

8) They gaslight you

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic that makes you question your own reality and sanity. Manipulators who gaslight will deny evidence, twist facts, and make you feel like you’re misremembering or overreacting.

I’ve been in a relationship where my partner would constantly dismiss my feelings, telling me I was overreacting or imagining things. It was a subtle form of manipulation that made me doubt my own perceptions and feelings.

As the renowned psychologist Rollo May said, “The opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice, it’s conformity.” In this case, gaslighting was used as a tool to make me conform to my partner’s narrative and dismiss my own experiences and emotions.

If you ever feel like someone is making you question your own reality or sanity, it’s a vital sign of subtle manipulation. Stand firm in your truth and remember it’s okay to trust your own perceptions and feelings.

9) They display false empathy

This might seem counterintuitive, but manipulators often use empathy as a tool for manipulation. They can display false empathy to make you feel understood and secure, only to use that connection to subtly manipulate your actions or decisions.

Consider someone who seems incredibly understanding, always ready to listen and empathize. But once they’ve gained your trust, they use what they know about you to subtly influence your actions.

Renowned psychologist Daniel Goleman said, “Empathy and social skills are social intelligence, the interpersonal part of emotional intelligence.” Manipulators have mastered this interpersonal part of emotional intelligence to serve their own ends.

Always remember, genuine empathy fosters connection and understanding, while false empathy is a manipulative tactic. If someone’s empathy seems insincere or is often followed by requests or expectations, be wary.

10) They’re always shifting the blame

Manipulators have a knack for shifting blame and avoiding responsibility. They’ll twist situations and arguments to make it seem like it’s never their fault.

I once worked with someone who would always find a way to shift blame onto others when things went wrong. At first, it seemed like they were just unlucky or misunderstood. But eventually, I realized that it was a consistent pattern of behavior aimed at avoiding accountability.

Noted psychologist Albert Bandura said, “People with high assurance in their capabilities approach difficult tasks as challenges to be mastered rather than as threats to be avoided.” This person, however, was more interested in avoiding the challenge of taking responsibility than in mastering their tasks.

If you come across someone who never takes the blame and always finds a way to shift it onto others, be cautious. It’s a classic sign of subtle manipulation.