When I moved away from home, I had a chance to reflect on my childhood and my parents. I loved and appreciated them, but I also resented them for certain parts of my upbringing. 

It was a really confusing time. 

On one hand, I’d miss them and want to see them, but when we’d get together, things would rarely work out how I wanted them to. 

Often, it was tense or upsetting for everyone involved. 

Now, I know I’m not alone in this. Many of us have conflicting feelings towards our parents – after all, they have a huge impact on us, even as we mature into independent adults. 

However, what often goes unnoticed is how these complex emotions manifest in our behavior. Below, I’ll explore how this dynamic plays out:

1) Ambivalence in interaction

Aka mixed feelings. 

People who both love and resent their parents will feel a mix of emotions towards their folks.

I know this to be true for me – I’ll sit there and enjoy watching my parents laugh and crack jokes, and at the same time feel sad that they didn’t make me feel validated as a child. 

It’s confusing, painful, and quite frankly, draining. 

Quite often, people in this situation will swing between moods. One minute they want to feel close and connected, the next they feel intense annoyance or irritation toward their parents. 

And when they don’t know why they’re feeling what they feel, it can be incredibly challenging to emotionally regulate and get back to a grounded place. 

2) Over-compliance or rebellion

There are two ends of the spectrum here. 

Some people might try to please their parents by being super compliant. They won’t say anything to upset their parents and they’ll often suppress their own needs and desires to keep the peace. 

On the other hand, some people take the route of rebellion. 

They’ll argue against everything their parents say, even trivial matters. They’ll try to assert their independence, but ultimately, it’s their resentment that’s slipping out. 

Their parents could be saying something that they actually agree with, but their inner conflict may cause them to disagree for the sake of it. 

The point is, there’s an emotional reaction going on within. It’s not logical or rational behavior, whichever end of the spectrum you’re looking at. 

And often, until the root issues have been resolved, this behavior will continue. 

3) Difficulty in setting boundaries

Ah, this is one I’ve been working on a lot recently. I tried to set a boundary with my mom a few months ago and my voice shook the entire way through. 

So, why was it so difficult?

Well, when you love your parents you don’t want to hurt them. But then add on top the resentment you have towards them, and you almost want to punish them (figuratively, not literally). 

It’s a weird place to be in, and that’s why people in this situation may struggle to set healthy boundaries. 

They may let their parents in way too much, or cut them off more than necessary. Due to the inner conflict they’re facing, they find it tough to find the right balance when it comes to setting personal limits. 

4) Avoidance of conflict

This next point is a never-ending cycle. 

People who love their parents but also resent them might actively avoid conflict and confrontation. 

They don’t want to deal with the fallout, they don’t want to upset their parents, but in doing this, they further their resentment. 

Because when people avoid conflict, by default, they’re avoiding the opportunity to resolve issues that haven’t been acknowledged in the past. 

It’s also worth mentioning that when you’re dealing with resentment, it’s often hard to pin down what the root cause/s of it is. There are usually many issues intertwined, making it hard to clearly decipher what’s what. 

So when conflict arises, it can feel like you’re opening a can of worms. 

And what can I say? Sometimes, we don’t want to deal with that because just the idea of it is overwhelming and emotionally exhausting. 

5) Excessive criticism or idealization

Let me give you two examples to explain this:

Lilly loves and resents her dad. She deals with her feelings of resentment by criticizing every little thing he does. She’ll make it known that he annoys her. Lilly is angry. 

Then we have Sally. Sally loves and resents her dad too. But instead of criticizing him, she sees him as a perfect father who can do no wrong. 

She excuses his flaws and bad behavior. She lives in denial of the hurt he’s caused her because she’s not ready to face reality, to recognize that her dad is the cause of her pain. 

People tend to swing to the extremes in these situations, and all of the conflicted feelings they experience make it hard to find the middle ground.

6) Guilt and obligation

Sometimes, people who resent their parents may feel exceptionally guilty about it. 

Especially if they don’t understand why or where their resentment comes from. 

I experienced this, and it meant that I lived my life very differently from how I wanted to, just to oblige to my parent’s standards and way of life. 

When I recognized where my resentment came from, I decided to stop giving in to guilt and live life on my own terms. 

But until people reach that point, you may notice that they’re quick to give in to their parent’s demands. 

Sadly, this further perpetuates the cycle of resentment. That’s why I always recommend getting help in understanding where these feelings come from. 

It’s liberating. No one should feel so confused, conflicted, and guilty all the time. 

7) Strained communication

Remember how at the start of the article I mentioned that there are usually a lot of mixed feelings, compliance or rebellion, and avoidance of conflict? 

Well, all of those combined tend to result in strained communication. 

Some folks may find themselves tiptoeing around subjects. Others may find themselves having intense arguments with their parents. 

For a while, I kept my interactions quite superficial. I didn’t want to get deep into conversations with my parents because I wasn’t sure about how I felt. I also didn’t want to hurt them if my true feelings became apparent. 

Later, I became argumentative. A simple chat could turn into me ranting on for half an hour, leaving my parents bewildered. 

Ultimately, talking things out is key to fixing a relationship. But if people don’t share their feelings, trying to communicate can sometimes make things worse.

8) Projection of feelings

Finally, this last point isn’t necessarily a behavior that’s reserved just for the parents. 

If someone loves and resents their folks, they may take out this frustration on other people. 

My partner, for example, has a ton of issues with his dad stemming from childhood. He’d be quite emotionally volatile with me sometimes, out of the blue. 

But through his therapy sessions, he’s learned that he was projecting his feelings toward his dad onto me. 

And many people will do this without realizing it. Because let’s be honest – our relationship with our parents is a deep one. It affects and influences who we are as people. 

Their actions, whether intentional or not, can make or break you. That’s why it’s possible to love them deeply, but also feel a lot of hurt and resentment. 

If you identify with the points above, I highly recommend doing some inner work and healing those wounds. With or without your parents on board. A therapist can really help with this. 

Do it for yourself. Because I know how hard it is to live with so much inner conflict, and while the road to healing isn’t easy, it’s worth it in the long run.