There’s a wide chasm between having emotional intelligence and not.

The difference often lies in our past. People who lack emotional intelligence often share common childhood experiences.

These experiences, whether they are traumatic or seemingly insignificant, can shape how we perceive and process emotions as adults.

In this article, we’ll delve into eight childhood experiences often shared by those lacking emotional intelligence. We won’t lay blame, but rather aim to understand how our past shapes our present.

Let’s get started. 

1) Absence of emotional validation

Many of us can recall instances from our childhood when our emotions were simply brushed away.

It’s not uncommon to hear phrases such as “Don’t cry, it’s not a big deal” or “You’re too young to be stressed”. This lack of emotional validation often leaves children feeling unheard and misunderstood.

This can lead to a lack of emotional intelligence in adulthood. When children are told their feelings aren’t valid or important, they can grow up struggling to understand and process their own emotions, let alone those of others.

Understanding and validating emotions, rather than dismissing them, is crucial for the development of emotional intelligence.

When a child expresses their feelings, listen. It might make all the difference in their emotional development.

2) Lack of secure attachments

Growing up, my home was a revolving door of faces. My parents, both working professionals, often relied on a series of nannies and caregivers to look after me.

I was cared for, fed, clothed, but what was missing was a consistent attachment figure. This frequent change in caretakers made it difficult for me to form secure emotional attachments.

In psychology, attachment theory suggests that children need a secure relationship with at least one primary caregiver for social and emotional development. Without this secure attachment, children can grow up struggling to form meaningful relationships and understanding their own emotions.

The constant change in my early caregivers left me feeling insecure and hesitant in forming relationships later in life. As an adult, I’ve had to learn emotional intelligence skills that most people learn intuitively as children with stable attachments.

Recognizing this has been an important step in my journey towards developing emotional intelligence.

3) Exposure to high levels of stress

Children are like sponges, absorbing everything from the environment around them – and that includes stress.

High levels of sustained stress in childhood, often referred to as toxic stress, can impair the development of the brain’s prefrontal cortex – the area responsible for regulating emotions and making decisions. This can significantly impact a child’s ability to develop emotional intelligence.

A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that children who experienced high levels of stress and conflict in their families had difficulty identifying and controlling their emotions later in life.

This suggests that a stressful environment isn’t just uncomfortable for a child, but can actually hinder their emotional development. It’s a sobering reminder of the impact our early experiences can have on our emotional health.

4) Neglect of emotional education

Growing up, we’re taught to read, write, do math, and understand the world around us. But how often are we taught to understand and manage our emotions?

Unfortunately, in many households and schools, emotional education is neglected. Children are expected to learn these skills on their own. Yet, understanding and managing emotions is not something that comes naturally to everyone.

Without this emotional education, children can grow up lacking the tools they need to navigate their feelings and the feelings of others effectively. This can result in a lack of emotional intelligence in adulthood.

Emotions are a fundamental part of our lives. By teaching children about emotions – what they are, why we have them, how to manage them – we can equip them with the emotional intelligence needed for a healthier and more fulfilling life.

5) Experiencing emotional neglect

Emotional neglect can often be an invisible wound from childhood. It’s not about the presence of bad things, but rather the absence of good things – specifically emotional care and attention.

Children who experience emotional neglect often grow up feeling unseen, unheard, and unimportant. They may feel that their feelings don’t matter or that expressing emotions is a burden to others. This can lead to difficulties in recognizing and expressing emotions in adulthood.

The hurt of emotional neglect can be hard to put into words, because it’s about what didn’t happen. There were no loving words of affirmation, no comforting hugs during distress, no guidance during emotional turmoil.

Everyone deserves to be seen, heard, and valued for who they are – emotions and all.

6) Living with inconsistent parenting

Home was a place of confusion for me. One day, my parents would shower me with love and affection, and the next, they were distant and disengaged. This inconsistency left me walking on eggshells, never quite knowing where I stood.

Inconsistent parenting can lead to feelings of insecurity and instability in children. It can make it difficult for them to understand their worth and their place in the world.

Over time, this can hinder the development of emotional intelligence. I found it hard to trust my own judgment, to understand my emotions or those of others, because I was always second-guessing myself.

It has taken a long time for me to unlearn these patterns and build my emotional intelligence. But acknowledging the impact of my upbringing was a crucial first step.

7) Lack of role models for healthy emotional expression

Children learn by observing and imitating the adults around them. But what happens when those role models don’t demonstrate healthy emotional expression?

Perhaps emotions were seen as a sign of weakness, or anger was the only emotion prominently displayed. Maybe emotions were masked with humor, or completely bottled up and never discussed.

Growing up in such an environment can leave children ill-equipped to handle their own emotions. They may struggle to identify their feelings, express them constructively, or manage emotional distress.

Healthy role models for emotional expression are crucial in childhood. They teach us that it’s okay to feel, and guide us in navigating our emotions in a safe and constructive manner.

8) Experiencing traumatic events

Trauma has a profound impact on a child’s emotional development.

Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, witnessing violence, or experiencing abuse, traumatic events can shatter a child’s sense of safety and trust in the world around them.

These experiences can disrupt their ability to regulate their emotions, lead to difficulties in forming healthy relationships, and result in a lack of emotional intelligence.

It’s crucial to remember that trauma doesn’t define us. Healing is possible, and with support and understanding, we can develop the emotional intelligence skills we may have missed out on during our childhood.

Final thoughts: It’s a journey

The complexities of emotional intelligence are deeply intertwined with our early life experiences.

From the absence of emotional validation to the repercussions of traumatic events, these childhood experiences can significantly impact our ability to comprehend and navigate our emotions.

But recognizing these experiences and their effects is a crucial step towards healing and growth. It’s never too late to learn and develop emotional intelligence.

And remember, it’s not about blame. It’s about understanding our past to create a better present and future.

As Carl Jung, the renowned Swiss psychiatrist, once said, “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”

In the end, we’re all on a journey – a journey of self-discovery, empathy, and emotional growth. And every step we take is a step towards becoming more understanding and compassionate individuals.