The way we communicate often says more about us than we realize. Take emotional intelligence, for instance. It’s not just about understanding your own emotions, but also recognizing and responding to the emotions of others.

But here’s the kicker – many people lack emotional intelligence and they don’t even know it. This often manifests in the things they say, which can have a far greater impact than intended.

If you’ve ever wondered about your own emotional intelligence, keep an eye out for these nine phrases. You might be surprised to find how much they reveal.

In this article, I’ll walk you through these telltale signs and help you understand their effects.

1) “I don’t care”

One of the key components of emotional intelligence is empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of others.

However, those lacking in emotional intelligence often struggle with this concept. They might shrug off other people’s feelings or problems with a careless “I don’t care”.

This phrase can be incredibly damaging. It communicates to others that their feelings are unimportant, which can lead to a breakdown in communication and trust.

The problem is, many people who regularly use this phrase aren’t aware of its negative impact. They may see it as a simple statement of fact, not realizing that it can come across as dismissive or uncaring.

When you’re tempted to say “I don’t care”, think about how it might be received.

Recognizing the impact of our words is a big step towards improving emotional intelligence.

2) “You’re too sensitive”

I remember a time when I was in a heated discussion with a friend. I was trying to explain my point of view, but he just wasn’t getting it. In frustration, I blurted out, “You’re too sensitive!”

The room fell silent. I instantly regretted my words. Instead of addressing the issue at hand, I had attacked his character, making him feel invalidated and dismissed.

It was a clear display of my lack of emotional intelligence in that moment. “You’re too sensitive” is not a constructive criticism, but a way to shut down someone’s feelings or perspective.

Since then, I’ve learned that such phrases can be damaging. It’s not about whether someone is ‘too’ anything – it’s about understanding their emotions and responding in a considerate way.

3) “That’s just how I am”

The phrase “That’s just how I am” can often be a red flag pointing to a lack of emotional intelligence. It suggests a resistance to change and a refusal to take responsibility for one’s actions or words.

Our personalities aren’t as static as we might think. In fact, we’re capable of significant change throughout our lives. This includes our ability to develop and improve our emotional intelligence.

By declaring “That’s just how I am”, you’re closing the door to personal growth and potentially hindering your relationships with others.

Instead, acknowledging our shortcomings and working to improve them is a much healthier approach.

4) “Whatever”

“Whatever” – a word we often use when we’re frustrated or indifferent. But it’s a word that can pack quite a punch. It’s dismissive and can communicate a lack of interest or care for the other person’s feelings or thoughts.

When used in response to someone trying to express their feelings or concerns, it suggests that you’re not willing to engage in the conversation or consider their viewpoint.

This can lead to feelings of frustration and isolation for the other person.

Being aware of how our words can influence the dynamics of our relationships is key in developing emotional intelligence.

Instead of resorting to “whatever”, try expressing your feelings honestly and constructively. It will help build stronger, more understanding relationships.

5) “It’s not my problem”

We’ve all heard it and maybe even said it ourselves – “It’s not my problem”. This phrase is often used as a defense mechanism to distance ourselves from situations that we find uncomfortable or challenging.

However, in the context of emotional intelligence, this phrase can be quite revealing. It suggests a lack of empathy and an unwillingness to help or understand others.

The truth is, we’re all interconnected in some ways.

Saying “it’s not my problem” not only shows a lack of concern for others, but it also misses out on opportunities to build stronger relationships and learn from different situations.

Instead, consider saying something like, “How can I help?” or “What can we do together to solve this?”.

This shift can make a significant difference in our relationships and overall emotional intelligence.

6) “I’m fine, really”

“I’m fine, really”.

How many times have we said this, even when it’s far from the truth?

It’s a common phrase used to deflect attention from our true feelings. We use it to protect ourselves, to keep others from seeing our vulnerability.

But the power of emotional intelligence lies in recognizing and accepting our feelings, not hiding them.

When we say “I’m fine” while we’re hurting inside, we’re denying ourselves the chance to process our emotions and denying others the opportunity to provide support.

Being honest about our feelings doesn’t make us weak—it makes us human.

And in that shared humanity, we can find deeper connections with the people around us.

When you’re tempted to say “I’m fine, really”, consider opening up instead. It may be difficult at first, but it’s a significant step in enhancing your emotional intelligence.

7) “You always…” or “You never…”

A few years back, in the heat of an argument with a close friend, I found myself saying, “You never listen to me!”

The moment those words left my mouth, I regretted them. I had allowed my frustration to dictate my words, painting an absolute picture that wasn’t entirely true.

The use of absolutes like “always” or “never” can be damaging. They tend to highlight only one aspect of a person’s behavior, ignoring the rest. This can lead to unfair characterizations and strain relationships.

It’s far more productive to express how specific actions make you feel, instead of labeling the person.

This approach fosters understanding and promotes healthier communication – key elements of emotional intelligence.

8) “Calm down”

Telling someone to “calm down” can often have the opposite effect. This phrase can be perceived as dismissive and invalidating, suggesting that the person’s feelings are irrational or unimportant.

Emotional intelligence involves validating feelings, not negating them.

It’s about understanding why a person is upset and helping them navigate through their emotions, rather than trying to suppress them.

Instead of telling someone to “calm down”, try acknowledging their feelings and showing empathy.

Phrases like “I can see you’re upset, let’s talk about it” can make a big difference in how your response is received and can aid in conflict resolution.

9) “I don’t need anyone”

The phrase “I don’t need anyone” is often a shield, a way to protect oneself from potential pain or disappointment. But in reality, we’re social creatures. We thrive on connection, understanding, and mutual support.

Emotional intelligence hinges on our ability to connect with others – to understand their emotions and to communicate our own effectively.

By declaring independence from all, we close ourselves off to these powerful connections and the growth they can facilitate.

Needing others isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a fundamental part of being human.

Recognizing this can lead to stronger relationships, better communication, and a higher level of emotional intelligence.

The heart of the matter

Our words are powerful. They have the ability to uplift, to hurt, to heal, and to transform our relationships. But often, we say things without fully grasping their impact.

The phrases we’ve discussed in this article are not inherently wrong or bad. They become problematic when used habitually, without understanding the emotions they may stir in others.

The good news is that emotional intelligence is not a fixed trait. It’s a skill that can be learned and developed.

Recognizing these phrases and understanding their potential impact is the first step towards improving our emotional intelligence. It’s about becoming more mindful of not only our words but also the emotions that drive them.

As we journey towards improved emotional intelligence, let’s remember the powerful words of Maya Angelou, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Our goal should be to use our words to foster understanding, empathy, and connection – leaving everyone we interact with feeling heard, valued, and respected.