My dad used to say, “Your siblings are your first best friends.”

But let’s face it, not everyone can relate to this. Some of us can barely remember the last genuine conversation we had with our siblings, let alone consider them our best friends.

You may wonder why.

Well, the answer might lie in your shared childhood experiences. Certain circumstances and happenings from those formative years can significantly impact sibling relationships in adulthood.

In this article, I’ll delve into six common experiences that people who have little to no relationship with their siblings usually had growing up.

This isn’t about pointing fingers or laying blame, but rather shedding light on patterns that can help us understand and navigate our familial relationships better.

So, whether you’re a brother, sister, or an only child looking in from the outside – this one’s for you.

1) They grew up in a competitive environment

Some of us may remember our childhood as a constant race – who got better grades, who was the teacher’s pet, who mom and dad loved more.

This wasn’t just about friendly sibling rivalry. No, it was full-blown competition, and the stakes were high: parental approval and love.

In such an environment, siblings can become adversaries instead of allies. They may learn to view each other as threats rather than partners in crime.

Over time, this competitive spirit can breed resentment, leading to strained relationships that persist into adulthood.

The bond that should have been nurtured through shared experiences and mutual support is instead replaced by a cold distance, making it difficult for siblings to connect later in life.

2) They experienced favoritism

The research is clear on this – favoritism can wreak havoc on sibling relationships. Siblings have better relationships with one another when they believe that they are treated fairly by their parents.

I know this because that’s exactly what happened in my family.

Growing up, it was painfully obvious that my younger sister was the golden child. She was the apple of my parents’ eyes, and they never missed an opportunity to shower her with praise.

I, on the other hand, often felt like I was living in her shadow.

This favoritism didn’t just affect my relationship with my parents, it also created a deep chasm between my sister and me.

It wasn’t her fault, of course, but the resentment built over time. We ended up living under the same roof, yet feeling worlds apart.

In such situations, sibling relationships can take a backseat as feelings of resentment and inadequacy take center stage.

It’s hard to build a bond when you’re constantly feeling like you’re not good enough or that your sibling is somehow superior to you.

And unfortunately, these feelings don’t just disappear when you grow up; they can linger and continue to affect sibling dynamics in adulthood.

3) They had conflicting personalities

Personalities play a major role in shaping our relationships, and sibling relationships are no exception.

Take my cousin, for example. He and his brother are as different as chalk and cheese. One is an outgoing extrovert who loves to socialize, while the other is an introvert who prefers quiet evenings at home.

Growing up, these differences were stark. They had different interests, different friends, and different ways of approaching life.

It wasn’t uncommon for them to clash over the smallest of things – from what TV show to watch to how they spent their weekends.

Unfortunately, these differences weren’t just a source of minor disagreements; they also created a deep divide between them.

Instead of learning to appreciate and understand each other’s unique personalities, they drifted apart.

As adults, they’re more like strangers than brothers. Their conflicting personalities have made it difficult for them to build a strong bond or even enjoy each other’s company.

This goes to show that having the same parents doesn’t guarantee similar personalities or compatibility. Sometimes, our differences can be so pronounced that they hinder the formation of strong sibling bonds.

4) They lived in a high-conflict household

Growing up in a high-conflict household can be incredibly stressful.

According to psychologists, one way that people cope with conflict or overwhelming people is to detach emotionally. 

This was the case with a friend of mine. Her parents were constantly at odds and the tension at home was palpable.

To cope, she learned to distance herself emotionally, not just from her parents but also from her siblings.

She told me that this emotional detachment was like a shield, protecting her from the constant turmoil at home. Unfortunately, it also meant that she couldn’t form close relationships with her siblings.

They grew up under the same roof, but instead of bonding over shared experiences, they ended up building walls around themselves. Now, as adults, they find it difficult to break down these walls and connect on a deeper level.

A tumultuous home environment can do more than just cause immediate distress. It can also impact the long-term dynamics between siblings, often leading to fractured relationships in adulthood.

5) They dealt with a family trauma

Family traumas can leave deep scars, not just on individuals, but also on the relationships between them.

A dear friend of mine lost her father at a very young age. It was sudden, it was devastating, and it changed everything.

While one might assume that such a tragedy would bring siblings closer together, it didn’t quite happen that way for her. The grief was so overwhelming and personal that it became a barrier rather than a bonding agent.

She and her brother coped in different ways. She sought solace in books and silence, while he acted out his pain and anger. Instead of turning to each other for support, they retreated into their own shells.

Years later, they’ve both found their own ways to heal, but the distance between them remains. It’s not that they don’t care for each other – they do, deeply. But their shared trauma has made it hard for them to bridge the gap and truly connect.

It’s important to remember that everyone deals with pain differently. Sometimes, even the most painful experiences can’t bring people together. And that’s okay. Healing is a personal journey, after all.

6) They lacked communication

Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship. Without it, misunderstandings brew, resentments build, and connections weaken.

Unfortunately, this is what happens in households where family members aren’t encouraged to express their feelings or discuss their problems. Where any disagreements should either be let go of or brushed under the rug. 

Over time, this lack of communication takes a toll on their relationship. They never learn to resolve conflicts or express their needs effectively. This leads to a buildup of unresolved issues and unspoken emotions.

And it could also be why, as adults, they share little more than polite conversations at family gatherings. They’re siblings by blood, but strangers by choice. The lack of communication has created an insurmountable barrier between them.

At the end of the day, effective communication is crucial in maintaining healthy relationships with our siblings.

It’s not just about talking, but also about actively listening, understanding, and responding to each other’s needs and concerns.

Final thoughts

If you’ve recognized some of your own experiences in these points, remember, you’re not alone.

These experiences may have shaped your relationship with your siblings, but they don’t have to define it. And most importantly, they don’t define you.

Reflect on these experiences, understand how they’ve influenced your relationships, but don’t let them hold you back. We all have the capacity to grow and change, to learn new ways of relating to those around us.

And while it’s true that we can’t change our past, we can always strive to make our future better.

Starting today, you can choose to reach out, to communicate, and to heal old wounds. You can choose understanding over resentment and empathy over judgment.

There’s no quick fix or one-size-fits-all solution. It might be a long journey, full of trials and tribulations. But remember that every step forward, no matter how small, is progress.

So go easy on yourself. Be patient and compassionate with your own growth.

And who knows? You might just find that your relationship with your siblings isn’t set in stone after all.