Have you ever felt like building connections with others is more of a struggle than it should be?

Like there’s some invisible barrier that keeps you from truly relating to people, no matter how hard you try?

If so, you’re not alone.

Many people who have difficulty forming deep relationships often trace this struggle back to their childhood. The experiences we go through when we’re young play a huge role in how we connect with others as adults.

If you’ve ever wondered why it seems harder for you to bond with others, here are seven common things you might have experienced growing up that could be affecting you today.

1) Frequent relocation

Life is a whirlwind, isn’t it?

Especially when you’re a kid being uprooted from one place to another continuously. New schools, new faces, and new environments – it’s all a bit overwhelming.

For most of us, it’s hard enough making friends in one place. Now imagine having to do that multiple times. It’s tough.

According to the Institute for Family Studies:

“Adolescents who experience the upheaval of residential dislocation often experience decreased quality and quantity of friendships.

“Specifically, those who move a lot tend to have fewer friends, and they often experience less relational closeness with the friends that they do have compared to those who are able to stay in one place throughout adolescence.”

So yes, people who’ve experienced frequent relocation during their formative years often have a hard time connecting with others.

It’s not that they don’t want to; it’s just that they’ve learnt to guard themselves against the inevitable pain of separation.

They often hold back, afraid to form deep connections only to have them severed again.

If you’ve moved around a lot as a kid, you probably know what I’m talking about.

2) Bullying experiences

This one hits a little too close to home for me.

As a kid, I was the target of school bullies. They were bigger, louder, and somehow knew exactly how to make my life miserable.

It felt like I was walking on eggshells every single day, never knowing when the next attack would come.

It’s a tough pill to swallow – that your peers, who are supposed to be your friends, can be so cruel. It made me wary of people and I found myself withdrawing into my shell.

Bullying can have a profound effect on one’s ability to connect with others. You’re always on guard, afraid that any sign of vulnerability will be used against you.

The result? A defensive wall that prevents deep connections from forming.

For those who have experienced bullying growing up, it’s a struggle that resonates deeply. Trust me, I’ve been there.

3) Traumatic events

Following on from that, let’s talk about other types of trauma, such as emotional or psychological abuse, neglect, or even witnessing distressing events during childhood.

Trauma doesn’t always come from dramatic, single events—sometimes, it’s the repeated experience of emotional harm or neglect that leaves the deepest scars.

For many people, growing up in an environment where they felt unsafe or emotionally unsupported can make it incredibly difficult to trust others later in life.

These kinds of traumatic experiences can shape the way you view relationships.

You may struggle with vulnerability, fearing that opening up will lead to more pain.

Or, you might feel a constant need to protect yourself, even when there’s no immediate danger.

Trauma conditions the brain to anticipate harm, which makes it challenging to form healthy, trusting connections with others.

Over time, these emotional walls become harder to break down, but recognizing the impact of trauma is a crucial first step toward healing.

Trauma has a way of rewiring your brain. As this report from the University of Northern Colorado puts it: 

“When someone experiences a traumatic event or experiences extreme fear, brain chemistry is altered and the brain begins to function differently–this is called the ‘Fear Circuity’ and it is a protective mechanism which we all have inside of us.”

It literally alters our perception and the way we relate to others.

That’s why children who have experienced traumatic events often struggle to connect with others later in life. The world is no longer a safe place for them, and every interaction becomes fraught with potential danger.

This fear creates a barrier that prevents them from forming deep, meaningful connections. It’s not a choice they make; it’s a survival mechanism.

4) Lack of parental warmth

The bond between parents and their children is like no other. It’s our first glimpse into what love, trust, and connection feel like.

But what happens when that warmth is missing? When parents, for whatever reason, are unable or unwilling to provide the emotional support their children need?

A lot of times, it results with a struggle to connect with others later in life. People who were raised in this kind of environment may have difficulty understanding their own emotions, let alone someone else’s.

Forming connections requires vulnerability and trust – things that are hard to learn when your first relationships lacked these qualities.

It’s a tough hand to play, but understanding this can help untangle the complexities of connecting with others.

5) Excessive criticism

I remember growing up in an environment where criticism was the norm. It came from a place of love, I know, but it still left its mark.

As a kid, I was always second-guessing myself, always trying to meet impossible standards. The constant fear of failing or not being good enough took its toll.

As a result, I often found it hard to connect with others. The reason? I was too busy doubting myself and my worthiness.

The fear of judgement, rejection, and criticism follows us into our adult lives, making every interaction a potential minefield.

If you’re like me and have experienced this, it’s important to remember: You are enough. And you are worthy of connection.

6) Over-scheduling

You’d think being involved in a ton of activities and having a packed schedule as a kid would make you a social butterfly, right? Turns out, it’s not always the case.

When every minute of your day is accounted for, there’s little room for spontaneous play or downtime.

There’s no time to simply sit and chat, to form deep connections, or to understand the nuances of human interaction.

People who had their childhoods micro-managed and over-scheduled often struggle with casual social interactions as adults. They might excel in structured settings but find ‘just hanging out’ unnerving.

It’s paradoxical, but sometimes too much socializing can hinder the ability to connect on a deeper level.

7) Lack of role models

Finally, role models play a crucial part in our development. They’re the ones we look up to, who show us how to navigate the world, and more importantly, how to connect with others.

But what happens when you lack such figures in your life?

Growing up without proper role models can leave you clueless about social norms and cues. You may struggle to understand the dynamics of emotional connection, making it challenging to build relationships.

This absence can make it hard for people to connect with others, simply because they’ve never learned how. It’s like trying to assemble a puzzle without having the picture on the box as a guide.

Parting thoughts

If you’ve been reading along, by now you may have a deeper understanding of why some people struggle to connect with others.

Don’t see these hardships as character flaws. They are simply patterns from past experiences that have shaped how people interact with the world.

Understanding this doesn’t just shed light on their struggle; it also reminds us of our shared humanity. We all carry our pasts with us, and it influences how we connect — or struggle to connect — with others.

If you’ve recognized some of these experiences in your own life, remember: awareness is the first step towards change. It’s never too late to learn, grow, and find new ways to connect.

After all, as social beings, our ability to connect with others is what truly makes us human.