Feeling like an afterthought isn’t just a passing feeling—for many, it’s a recurring theme throughout childhood that leaves a lasting imprint on their character and personality.

Growing up as the last one picked, constantly overlooked, or never considered can profoundly shape how someone develops later in life.

In this article, we’ll explore seven common traits often found in people who grew up feeling like an afterthought.

While not exhaustive, it offers insight into the complex interplay between early experiences and later behaviors.

1) Hyper-awareness of the feelings of others

Growing up feeling like an afterthought often heightens sensitivity to the emotions, actions, and reactions of those around you. This acute awareness stems from an unmet yearning for acceptance or validation in childhood.

Constantly scrutinizing how others perceive you fosters a keen ability to read people—a skill that persists into adulthood as a defining trait.

It’s not uncommon for individuals who felt overlooked as kids to be dubbed ’empaths’ later on due to their finely tuned understanding of others’ emotions. Having spent ample time observing from the sidelines, they’ve honed the art of reading the room.

This trait, however, is a double-edged sword. While it fosters strong interpersonal skills and deep empathy, it also risks emotional exhaustion as they may find themselves shouldering others’ emotional burdens.

2) Struggle with self-promotion

Interestingly, individuals who grew up feeling like an afterthought often struggle to advocate for themselves. This might seem surprising, considering you’d expect them to assert themselves more to ensure they’re noticed.

However, having been consistently overlooked in their upbringing, they’ve become accustomed to being on the sidelines. This behavioral pattern becomes deeply ingrained and can persist into adulthood.

This reluctance to self-promote can manifest in various aspects of life—hesitancy to take credit for their work, downplaying achievements, or avoiding the spotlight at social gatherings.

While modesty can be charming, it can also hinder professional and personal growth. Learning to recognize and celebrate their successes is crucial for these individuals to overcome this trait.  

3) Tendency towards people-pleasing

When a significant part of your life is spent feeling overlooked, it’s common to develop a tendency toward people-pleasing. It’s almost like a subconscious effort to guarantee that you’re noticed, valued, and cared for.

In my observations, this is a common trait among individuals who felt like afterthoughts during their upbringing.

They often go above and beyond to ensure others’ happiness—sometimes neglecting their own needs and desires in the process. Their sense of self-worth becomes intertwined with others’ approval, which can perpetuate a cycle of self-neglect and codependency.

As a relationship expert, I’ve delved into this topic in depth in my book, discussing ways to break this cycle and build healthier relationships.

The key is learning to set boundaries, practice self-care, and understand that it’s okay to say ‘no’ sometimes. It’s about realizing that your worth is not defined by the validation you receive from others but by how you view and treat yourself.

4) Strong resilience

Here’s an unexpected twist—individuals who grew up feeling like afterthoughts often exhibit remarkable resilience. It’s as if the challenges of being overlooked have shaped them into individuals who can navigate life’s trials with remarkable grace.

This is not to romanticize their struggles but to acknowledge the strength that can be born out of adversity. As the renowned author J.K. Rowling once said, “Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”

From what I’ve seen, these folks seem to have a knack for bouncing back from tough times. They’ve had to adapt and shift gears so much in their lives that it’s almost second nature to them.  

Now, of course, this isn’t true for everyone. We all have our own journeys, and resilience isn’t something that just happens overnight. It takes some serious self-reflection and effort to build up.  

5) A high degree of independence

Another trait that often pops up in folks who felt like afterthoughts in their younger years is a strong sense of independence. It’s often a survival skill—they’ve had to fend for themselves emotionally or even physically when they were growing up.

They’ve become adept at relying on themselves, solving their own problems, and being self-sufficient. While this independence is definitely a strength, it can sometimes tip over into isolation if it’s not kept in check.

From my own experiences and those I’ve worked with, I’ve noticed how this independence can lead to a reluctance to ask for help, even when it’s really needed. There’s this fear of appearing needy or burdening others that can hold them back from reaching out.

The challenge here is learning that vulnerability is not a weakness, and reaching out for help doesn’t diminish your strength or independence. It’s about finding the balance between standing on your own and knowing when to lean on others.

6) Excessive self-reliance

Hand in hand with a high degree of independence is the trait of excessive self-reliance. This means relying solely on oneself for emotional support and not seeking help from others, even when the situation calls for it.

This trait is often rooted in a fear of being let down or rejected, which is understandable considering their past experiences. As the poet Maya Angelou wisely said, “I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”

Building strong, supportive relationships and allowing ourselves to lean on others when needed can make life’s challenges more manageable and enriching. It’s all about striking a balance between self-reliance and emotional connectivity.

For more insights and articles on personal growth and relationships, feel free to follow me on my Facebook page. Let’s continue this journey together.

7) Struggle with self-worth

One of the toughest challenges for those who felt like afterthoughts in childhood is grappling with their self-worth. When you’re constantly made to feel unimportant, it’s no wonder those feelings can seep into your sense of self.

Many carry this belief into adulthood, resulting in patterns of self-doubt, harsh self-criticism, and a constant quest for validation from others.  

But here’s the thing—your worth isn’t tied to anyone else’s acknowledgment or approval. It’s intrinsic, unwavering, and unconditional. The journey toward self-love and acceptance may be long and challenging, but it’s one of the most vital journeys you’ll ever undertake.

Your past experiences may have shaped you, but they don’t define you. You are inherently worthy, just as you are.

Understanding and embracing the journey

Our past experiences, particularly our childhood, have a significant impact on shaping our adult selves.

Growing up feeling like an afterthought can indeed leave its imprint, influencing us in ways we may not always recognize. The traits that emerge from these experiences can pose challenges, but they also harbor potential strengths.

However, it’s crucial to recognize that our past doesn’t define us. While it shapes us, it doesn’t have to confine us. This is where the resilience of the human spirit shines—the capacity to grow, adapt, and transform.

In the pursuit of deeper self-understanding, I recommend checking out this enlightening video by Justin Brown.

He delves into the ‘imposter syndrome,’ a sentiment many who felt overlooked during childhood can relate to. It’s a valuable exploration that may shed further light on this topic.

The video argues that experiencing imposter syndrome isn’t a flaw to fight against, but rather a sign of deep self-awareness.

It encourages individuals to embrace their vulnerabilities, recognize their achievements without external validation, and pursue a path of self-improvement grounded in self-acceptance.

Remember, we’re all on an ongoing journey of self-discovery and growth. And every step we take towards understanding ourselves better is a step towards living more authentically and fully.