People who distance themselves from family as they get older usually display these 7 behaviors

Lucas Graham by Lucas Graham | October 2, 2024, 10:46 pm

Remember when you were a kid and family meant everything?

The thrill of grandpa’s stories, the warmth of mom’s cooking, the fun of cousin sleepovers…

But as you grow older, do you find yourself slowly drifting away from your family?

Here’s the thing.

This might not be a conscious choice; rather, it could be due to certain behaviors that subtly push family away.

In this article, we’ll delve into seven such behaviors that people who distance themselves from their family usually display.

And before you jump to conclusions, we’re not here to point fingers or lay blame.

We’re simply observing patterns to help us understand ourselves and others better.

So if you’ve wondered “Why do I feel distant from my family?” – keep reading. You might find some answers in these seven behaviors.

1) They prioritize independence

Have you ever noticed that some people seem to value their independence more than anything else?

Now, there’s nothing wrong with craving personal freedom.

It’s a core part of developing as an individual.

But when this desire for independence starts to overshadow family connections, it might signal a distancing behavior.

This doesn’t mean they don’t love their family.

It just means they’re choosing to explore life in their own way, on their own terms.

It’s a tricky balancing act – maintaining family bonds while asserting independence.

And sometimes, the scale tips more towards one side.

2) They often avoid family gatherings

A few years back, my brother, let’s call him Jack, started skipping our annual family reunions.

At first, we thought he was just busy with work (he was always the career-oriented one).

But then it turned into a pattern.

Birthdays, holidays, random Sunday dinners – he was always missing.

When asked, he’d shrug and mumble something about being tired or wanting some alone time.

Looking back now, I realize this was probably his way of distancing himself.

It wasn’t that he didn’t care about us; he just preferred his solitude.

If you’re also habitually avoiding family events like Jack, you might be displaying one of these distancing behaviors.

3) They’re selective communicators

Ever noticed how some people can spend hours in the same room with you without uttering a single word?

Or how they seem to pick and choose when to engage in a conversation?

This was me for a while.

I’d sit at family gatherings, nodding along but not really participating.

I’d answer when spoken to, but wouldn’t initiate any conversations.

Phone calls were even worse. I’d let them go to voicemail, then text back with an excuse about being busy.

It wasn’t out of malice or disinterest.

I was just at a place in my life where I found it easier to keep my thoughts to myself.

This selective communication could be another behavior of those distancing themselves from family.

It’s not about being antisocial, but more about preserving personal space and energy.

4) They rarely share personal details

Here’s another behavior to consider.

You know how some people can talk for hours without revealing anything personal about themselves?

They’re masters of deflection, always turning the conversation away from themselves.

You ask them how they’re doing, and they reply with a vague “I’m fine” or quickly change the subject.

I have a cousin like this.

She’s friendly, outgoing, but incredibly private.

We only ever hear about her life in broad strokes, never the intimate details.

This reluctance to share personal information could be another sign of someone distancing themselves from their family.

In her case, like many, it’s not about being secretive; it’s more about maintaining a certain level of emotional distance.

5) They have a different value system

Our value systems are often shaped by our immediate environment, especially during our formative years.

But as we grow older, get exposed to different cultures and experiences, these values can change.

My best friend, for instance, grew up in a traditional household where family always came first.

But after living abroad for many years, her values shifted towards individualism and self-reliance.

When her new values clashed with her family’s traditional ones, it created a rift.

She found it hard to relate to them, and they found it hard to understand her.

Ultimately, it led her to find her “chosen family” and put distance between her biological one. 

6) They might be dealing with past trauma

Sometimes, people distance themselves from their family not out of choice, but as a way to cope with past traumas or difficult experiences.

People who had a rough childhood or abusive parents quite often distance themselves, and rightly so.

After all, it’s hard to heal in the same environment that hurt you.

It’s important to remember that everyone has their own battles to fight.

If someone distances themselves, it doesn’t mean they’re cold-hearted or uncaring.

Sometimes, it’s just a way for them to protect themselves and move forward in life.

7) They’re creating their own family

Here’s the thing.

As we grow older, our definition of ‘family’ can evolve.

Some people find that their close friends, partners, or even pets provide the emotional support and connection they need.

They create a new ‘family’ that aligns with their current life situation and values.

They’re not necessarily ditching their biological family, it just means they are expanding their social circle and finding love and support in multiple places.

Moving forward

If you find yourself recognizing these behaviors in your own life, it’s not a cause for alarm.

Remember, we all evolve as we age.

Our relationships, including those with our family, are bound to change and shift. It’s a natural part of life’s journey.

If you’re on the other side, try to approach these behaviors with understanding and empathy.

Everyone has their own path to walk, and their choices are often deeply personal.

In the end, family is what we make it.

It can extend beyond blood relations to include those we choose to surround ourselves with – those who support us, love us, and enrich our lives.