Friendship is a vital component of happiness. I think we can all agree on that.

People are meant to live in groups, after all, and we cherish a sense of belonging like nothing else.

And yet there are people out there who constantly drive away friends without realizing it, people who want friends but aren’t self-aware enough to work on themselves in order to maintain those friendships in the long run.

These are the 6 behaviors they usually exhibit.

1) They are so self-centered that their friendships lack emotional intimacy

You know those people who just ramble on about themselves without asking you a single question?

People who listen to you talk for perhaps half a minute before they zone out, their attention diverted back to themselves?

People who are only ever interested in the conversation at hand if it involves their own interests or opinions?

Yep. They can be a pain to deal with, that’s for sure.

Sadly, their self-centeredness is also what inevitably drives their friends away.

And that’s because the very basis of friendship is emotional intimacy: the ability to see and feel seen, to understand and feel understood.

Self-centered people tend to be so focused on the “feel seen” and “feel understood” part that they forget to display an interest and curiosity in the other person’s life, making them feel invisible and exchangeable.

As the psychologist and author Lindsay C. Gibson says, “Emotional intimacy is profoundly fulfilling, creating a sense of being seen for who you really are. It can only exist when the other person seeks to know you, not judge you.”

When you care more about yourself than you do about the person you’re talking to…

That is when emotional intimacy dies.

2) They disrespect their friends’ time and energy

I used to have a friend who would cancel 70% of our meetups at the last minute.

Every time we’d schedule something, she’d eventually message me to say that she wasn’t feeling up for it or had something else come up.

I repeatedly told her that this pattern didn’t suit me because it meant I constantly had to make time for her and then spend my evening alone instead of doing something else, but unfortunately, her behavior didn’t improve much.

It got to the point where the friendship slowly but surely fizzled out because my friend simply couldn’t follow through on her promises and respect the time I carved out for her in my diary.

Remember: when people make time for you, try your best to respect the energy they’ve put into nourishing your friendship and uphold your part of the deal.

Reciprocate.

3) They refuse to take accountability for their actions

When I confronted my friend about her continuing lack of respect for my time and boundaries, she usually hid behind excuses.

“I’m just so busy.”

“Something came up, it wasn’t my fault.”

*Radio silence.*

Of course, this hindered our friendship all the more because I felt like my feelings weren’t being validated, not to mention her excuses seemed to come from a place of cowardice and a lack of personal responsibility.

I would have preferred it if she just owned up to her feelings and was honest with me.

But in order to do that, she first had to be honest with herself, and far too many people who drive their friends away live in self-denial about who they are and what their behavior is truly like.

They struggle to apologize, admit they’ve made a mistake, and change so that don’t repeat the same patterns in the future.

They might even tell you that this is just “who they are,” and if you don’t love them in their entirety, you’re not a real friend.

But that’s not how friendship works. No, scratch that. It’s not how humans work. We all change and grow every single day.

Our behavior does not reflect our identity – it is malleable, and if we want to be better friends, we will try to act like better people.

It’s as simple as that.

4) They see conflict as something destructive rather than productive

One of the reasons my friend refused to own up to her mistakes and have an honest conversation with me was that she was absolutely terrified of conflict.

She’d rather withdraw and bury her head in the sand than have a constructive discussion about what we expected from our friendship.

I don’t blame her. I’ve been there, too, and it’s taken me many years to embrace conflict as something that can actually help us grow rather than an ultimate act of destruction.

The truth is that it can actually be very productive and healing to butt heads with someone – as long as you both decide to face the problem and work on it together.

People who run away from conflict tend to drive their friends away because every single issue within the relationship festers underneath the surface and grows until it explodes in their faces.

5) They put their friendships on the backburner the moment they fall in love

Another behavior commonly shared among people who eventually lose their friendships is that they prioritize romantic relationships above all else.

Yes, even if it means their friends are forced to take the backseat.

I see this happen far too often. Someone puts effort into their friendships, but the moment they fall in love, they begin to distance themselves and withdraw into their little couple bubble.

Months or years later, your friendship is almost non-existent.

Well, until the day when they decide to break up with their partner, of course. That’s when most people go back to their friends, seeking emotional support and advice.

Both romantic and friendship-based relationships are essential. It is very important that people in romantic relationships don’t ditch their friends.

6) They view their friendships through a transactional lens

While friendship ought to be reciprocal, you won’t always be able to do things 50/50.

And that’s okay.

A friendship isn’t something that should be a means to an end. It’s a connection that fulfills you emotionally and intellectually, a chosen family of sorts.

It’s the decision to take an interest in someone’s life and mind not because they have something of immense value to offer but because you like them as a person and connect with them on a deep level.

A friendship isn’t a business transaction.

And people who maintain long-term, healthy, and thriving friendships don’t treat them as such.