People who become more cynical as they get older tend to display these 5 subtle behaviors

Certain life experiences can compel us to become more cynical about life. 

I know that for a long time after my Dad passed away, I was very cynical about pretty much everything. I felt no joy, I was always expecting something bad to happen, and at times, I wondered what the point was of it all. 

Luckily though, this phase passed, and as I came to terms with my grief, I slowly started to feel excited about life again. 

But some people stay stuck in the cynical phase. Perhaps a divorce has made them bitter and cynical about love and life, for example. 

Or because they’ve been stuck in a job for years that doesn’t pay well, they feel cynical about ever being successful or even happy. 

Here are five subtle behaviors that someone is getting more and more cynical as they get older. 

1) They can’t be “bothered” with self-reflection

A cynical person might say that self-reflection is nothing but a load of new-age jargon or something else to that effect. 

Perhaps they are belittling the idea because they don’t want to be confronted with who they are. 

That’s because self-reflection might mean that they would have to hold themselves accountable for the behavior, admit to all their weaknesses, and further their personal development, says Elizabeth Perry, ACC. 

“Sometimes, it seems easier to ignore anything potentially negative about ourselves. And we’re actually less self-aware than we think.”

But the thing about self-reflection is that it holds the power to identify what’s working well in our lives and it helps us develop insight into what isn’t and why that is, emphasizes Perry. 

“Without the self-discovery that comes from introspection, you can become stuck in a routine that’s neither productive nor inspiring. You may. Or understand why you’re dissatisfied or what you can do to improve your circumstances if you don’t know what you truly want.”

Self-reflection can give you a whole new perspective that you never considered before. 

“When you’re in the moment, emotion can cloud your judgment, making a bad situation seem worse than it is,” says Perry.

“Self-reflection lets you reevaluate your circumstances calmly and rationally process what’s happening and find a solution with greater clarity.”

2) They project their past failures on to other people

When I got into the freelance journalism gig full-time, I saw all kinds of stories on Twitter at the time from seasoned freelance journalists about how it was next to impossible to make a living in this industry. 

Many of them were leaving the field altogether—especially during the pandemic. 

I was just starting out at the time, and I have to admit that it was disheartening. 

But then I saw many others thriving and I thought this is what I want so I’m going to just keep pushing through. 

I’m glad I did. I’ve been successful at it and I’ve written so many stories that I’m truly proud of. I won’t lie: it hasn’t been easy, that’s for sure. 

There are some months when you lose writing gigs and you don’t know where or when your next client is coming from.

But things have a way of working out and I love the ride. I love the thrill of getting a high profile interview and seeing my byline when a story is published. 

“Projection is a defense mechanism by which someone unconsciously attributes their behaviors, emotions, impulses, undesirable characteristics, and thoughts to others,” says Geralyn Dexter, PhD, LMHC. 

“It is a way of taking our internal dialogue and turning it into an external exchange, as if our own beliefs or behaviors belong to someone else.”

Cynical people might project their own experiences onto other people under the guise of being “realistic,” but really what they’re doing is expecting you to fail the same way they did. 

Cynicism may seem like it’s associated with being older and wiser, but it can actually be toxic, says psychologist Bruce Hutchison, PhD. 

“It is often a reaction that involves feeling hurt or betrayed, which grows into distrust, pessimism, and then cynicism,” he says. “Cynicism is [even] associated with fatalism and depression.”

3) They think that the world owes them something

We all know that narcissists often have a sense of entitlement, but a cynic (who can also be a narcissist) might think the world owes them something because of the hard life they’ve had. 

They don’t see (or don’t want to see) the fact that their happiness is in their hands.

If they have deep-seated beliefs that life is hard and that happiness is fleeting, then that will be their experience and lot in life.

We can take another example, I remember one colleague of mine many years ago who would often use this phrase about men and dating:

“If you miss one bus, another one will be along in ten minutes.”

In other words, don’t be too surprised or heartbroken when a man disappoints you, because there’s always another one around the corner.”

 A woman who thinks that all men are selfish because those are the types of men she has dated in the past, then that will be the type of man she attracts. 

So she’ll relay this opinion as “realistic” advice to her girlfriends. 

4) They limit their lives…and they aren’t well-wishers who don’t  

I used to have a boss who had never learned to swim and who had never been on an airplane. She rarely vacationed, and even when she did it was usually a day trip to Niagara Falls, which is an hour and a half away. 

It’s almost like she was proud of her lack of experiences in life. 

So when other people were living life, she could never really be happy for them. 

For example, if I told her I was going on holiday to see my family in England, she would remark:  “I wouldn’t consider seeing relatives a holiday” or “Isn’t it always raining in England?”

She was an older woman who had never been on a plane, so I suspect that there was an undercurrent of envy to her cynical remarks. 

Cynical people have a hard time deviating from their routine, says the team at Embolden Psychology. 

“Negative people tend to limit their options and choices to whatever they’ve done in the past, rather than opening their minds to the range of possibilities available.”

Cynical and negative people are also rarely loving, says the staff. 

“They struggle to see the good in [and for] other people; so it is difficult to be loving and supportive of anyone. They [also] rarely apologize.”

“Even when confronted with evidence that they were incorrect, or have hurt someone’s feelings, they have a deep conviction that they are right.”

5) They expect—and even prepare themselves—for the worst 

Let’s say you’ve applied for your dream job. You have all the qualifications so you thought why not? 

But instead of feeling proud of yourself for applying for the job no matter the outcome and being optimistic about it, you start to fear the possibility of rejection.

What you’ve done is just deprive yourself of the good feeling of being proud of yourself for applying as well as the optimism you could have had, according to life coach Laura K. Connell. 

Your ingrained cynicism could be the result of a traumatized brain, says Connell, who is also a trauma-informed author of the book, It’s Not Your Fault: The Subconscious Reasons We Self-Sabotage and How to Stop. 

“The traumatized brain is tasked with keeping you safe at all costs,” she says. “That’s why it starts expecting the worst as a coping mechanism.”

So if, for example, you grew up rarely getting what you wanted, you would have learned to downplay your expectations as a way to avoid disappointment, says Connell.

“[So] it felt unsafe to expect the best when the best never came. That’s the logic of the inner child trying desperately to protect itself…Your inner child did whatever it took to keep you alive, even when that meant depriving you of good feelings.”

So how do we stop feeling so cynical?

Experts say that talking to your inner child and letting them know that they no longer have to keep you safe from all possible outcomes. 

Go for and expect the best. Even when the best doesn’t happen, trust that you can handle any negative outcome. It’s still a positive because at least you went for it. 

“You get to become your own parent and remind yourself that you’re worthy of positive outcomes and sometimes you’ll get them! says Connell. 

“Yoi no longer have to accept that life happens to you. Instead, navigate your ship in the direction you want it to go.”