Usually, manipulative people are best avoided.

These are people who use a variety of tricks and mind games to get you to do what they want. To a manipulative person, other people aren’t so much unique personalities as they are objects to use to get their own goals.

On the other hand, things aren’t always that simple.

Sometimes, it’s possible for people to be manipulative without meaning to.

We all want what we want from other people, and sometimes, that causes us to use sneaky tactics to try get them to fulfill our needs.

Even worse, people who grow up with manipulative parents often mimic those behaviors in their own lives.

“The behavioral patterns of manipulative parents are usually unconsciously internalized by their offspring,” writes psychologist Valeria Sabater. “Moreover, if you have narcissistic parents, there’s a risk that you’ll inherit this profile.”

Basically, all this means that people can be manipulative without meaning to. And many times, they don’t realize that their behavior is as manipulative as it is.

Watch out for these behaviors, both in yourself and in the people around you. Because sometimes, we can all be a little manipulative without realizing it.

1) Guilt tripping

This has to be one of the most common forms of manipulation in relationships. So common, in fact, that many people don’t necessarily realize just how manipulative it is.

When you guilt trip someone, you attempt to make them feel feelings of guilt or shame in order to get them to do what you want.

This is very common in relationships between parents and children, when parents remind the children of all the parents have sacrificed for them.

But it can also happen between friends and in romantic relationships.

Sometimes, it can be hard to avoid unintentionally guilt tripping someone. After all, when we feel someone is being ungrateful, it may seem like a good idea to remind them of all we have done for them to try and get them to reciprocate.

But make no mistake, this is manipulative. Ultimately, if someone doesn’t want to do what you want, you can’t make them.

2) Withholding affection

This is another tricky one.

Manipulators like to use the silent treatment or other methods of withdrawing their affection. In this way, they can hurt the people who care about them and bully them into doing what they want.

“Unlike normal, healthy partners who may have the occasional need for space or may not want affection during naturally occurring conflict or distress, narcissists withhold affection randomly and deliberately without reason (apart from the conflict and chaos they themselves manufacture out of thin air),” writes author and psychologist Shahida Arabi.

But pay attention to the first part of that sentence.

Sometimes, a person is not giving their partners the silent treatment. Sometimes, they may just need their space. But when that happens, it can be painful to the other partner and feel a lot like manipulation.

3) Passive aggression

We all want to avoid conflict, especially in our relationships with the people we care about. But when that leads to us being passive-aggressive, it can actually make a problem worse.

“Passive-aggressive behavior is defined as behavior that is seemingly innocuous, accidental, or neutral but that indirectly displays an unconscious aggressive motive,” writes psychologist Kendra Cherry.

“For instance, passive-aggressive behavior can appear in the form of resistance to another person’s requests by procrastinating, expressing sullenness, or acting stubbornly.”

Maybe you ask your partner to do the dishes, so they sulk and slam things around.

Maybe they’re clearly angry, so you ask them what’s wrong, and they respond, “nothing.”

Lots of people don’t realize this is a form of manipulation. In fact, even when they are doing it, they may think they are just trying to keep the peace and avoid conflict.

But actually, passive aggression only makes inevitable conflict worse.

4) Playing the victim

Sometimes, we all feel like the victim of forces beyond our control. Whether it’s our friends, our partners, our boss, or our government, there are lots of things that can happen to us that make us feel powerless and as if someone is picking on us.

When that happens, it’s natural to complain, especially to the people closest to you. But playing the victim is also a form of manipulation you need to watch out for.

It’s fine to complain when things go wrong. But when you always center yourself and your own emotions, you’re making yourself into a victim, whether you know it or not.

And if your focus is always on how other people have made life difficult for you, instead of on your own responsibility for your feelings, you’re playing the victim.

5) Relying on others to make us happy

Initially, this doesn’t sound manipulative. After all, we all need other people, and being around those we care about makes us happy.

There’s nothing wrong with that.

However, it can become manipulative when we rely too much on other people to make us happy. Making another person responsible for your happiness can create enormous feelings of guilt and pressure, and often causes a person to alter their behavior – which is what manipulation is all about.

6) Being jealous

Jealousy is a natural human emotion – although a destructive one.

But jealousy is something manipulators also used to get what they want.

There are a couple of different ways this can happen. One is the manipulator who tries to make you jealous in order to get revenge on you for doing something they don’t like.

They might talk to an ex when they usually don’t, or flirt with other people to try and make you feel insecure.

Alternatively, they may weaponize their own jealousy. They may try to control who you talk to and who you spend time with, and if you complain, they will justify it by saying that your behavior is making them jealous.

But here’s the thing: nobody can actually make us feel emotions. We do that to ourselves. While other people’s behavior can trigger certain feelings, it’s up to us to control those feelings and not let them become tools of manipulation.

 7) Seeking reassurance

Again, this doesn’t instantly seem manipulative. But it’s often used by people who don’t realize they are being manipulative.

It’s nice to get validation from others. It’s nice to feel appreciated. And sometimes, our natural need for validation can lead us to actively seek it out.

If someone constantly seek validation from others, it can easily become a form of manipulation. Again, they are making other people responsible for their happiness and feelings of self-esteem.

That puts pressure on people to give them the praise and compliments they want to avoid making them feel bad.

This can seem like one of the more harmless forms of unintentional manipulative behavior. Still, it’s a sign of someone who doesn’t have their emotions under control.

8) Avoiding responsibility

We’re all tempted to do this from time to time. In fact, everyone does this when we’re kids. After all, we may be scared to get in trouble with our parents or caregivers, and sometimes, that causes us to lie to try and get out of it.

Most people grow out of this behavior as they become adults. But not all.

Author and relationship expert Peg Streep identifies five common methods of shifting blame:

•       Pretending they were joking;
•       Blaming your behavior for ‘making’ them react;
•       Blaming you for being insensitive to their needs;
•       Using statements like ‘you always’ or ‘you never’ to expand the conflict and shift attention away from their bad behavior;
•       Accusing you of always complaining.

As Streep points out, these are all forms of verbal abuse. And when people learn these blame shifting tactics as children, it can be hard for them to kick the habit once they get older.

9) Lying

Finally, telling lies is a very common way for people to accidentally manipulate each other.

Sometimes, people lie like children, just to get themselves out of trouble. Other times, they may intentionally tell a lie to get their partner to do something they want them to do or stop them from doing something they don’t want them to do.

It can seem relatively harmless, especially when the lie is small. That’s why many people don’t consider this a form of manipulation.

But if someone lies to get somebody else to do what they want, make no mistake. Manipulation is exactly what it is.

Avoiding being manipulative

By now, if you’ve read this list, you probably recognize at least some of these behaviors in yourself.

I certainly have.

The truth is, we all do things from time to time that can be manipulative, and we don’t always realize it.

So keep an eye on your behavior as well as that of the people around you to determine if you are trying to manipulate others.