There’s a fine line between someone who is genuinely nice and one who just puts on a show. Often, those who appear sweet as pie on the outside have a hidden sting that can catch you off guard.

This is about those people who seem so pleasant on the surface, but underneath they’re quite mean. It’s not always easy to spot them, but they usually display certain behaviors that give them away.

As a relationship expert, I’ve been around the block a few times and learned how to spot these folks. So, get ready to unveil their true colors.

In this article, you’ll discover the tell-tale signs that someone is not as nice as they appear to be. And hopefully, it will help you avoid the pain of being caught off guard by their true nature. So let’s dive in!

1) They’re excessively nice

There’s an old saying, “If it’s too good to be true, it probably is.” This applies perfectly to people who seem overly nice on the surface.

We all know someone who is always smiling, always saying the right things, and always ready to lend a hand. It’s like they never have a bad day, and they’re constantly radiating positivity. But remember, nobody is perfect.

When someone is excessively nice all the time, it can often be a cover for deeper, less pleasant feelings. It’s a classic misdirection technique – keep everyone focused on the dazzling smile and they won’t notice the spiteful actions.

It’s not about mistrusting everyone who is nice – that would be a cynical way to live. But if someone seems too nice, too perfect, then it might be worth looking a little closer.

2) They’re good listeners

This might come as a surprise. After all, isn’t being a good listener a sign of empathetic and thoughtful people? Yes, and that’s precisely why it can be a strategic tool for those who are pleasant on the surface but mean underneath.

These individuals often use their listening skills as a tactical advantage. They let you talk, share your thoughts and feelings, all the while gathering information that they could potentially use against you later.

They might not interrupt you, they’ll nod at the right moments, and they’ll even echo back what you’ve said to show they understand. But their intention is not to understand and support; it’s to gather ammunition.

This behavior is particularly tricky to spot because we usually appreciate good listeners. But if someone listens without ever really sharing or opening up themselves, that might be a red flag.

They’re collecting data without offering any – a one-sided transaction that can lead to manipulation down the line.

3) They never seem to be at fault

It’s a common trait among people who are pleasant on the surface but mean underneath – they have an uncanny ability to avoid blame. No matter what happens, they’re always the victim or the innocent bystander.

These individuals are experts at twisting narratives. They can turn any situation around so that they come off clean, even when they’re the ones at fault. This behavior is not only manipulative but also extremely damaging to relationships.

In my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, I delve deeper into these dynamics and how one can navigate such tricky situations.

But for now, just remember this: If someone never takes responsibility for their actions and always seems to be the innocent party, it’s worth questioning what’s really going on.

This trick is a sign of someone who is good at manipulating others while maintaining their pleasant facade.

4) They’re masters of backhanded compliments

You’ve probably experienced it before. You’re chatting with someone who seems incredibly pleasant, and then they drop a compliment that leaves you feeling, well, less than complimented.

It’s a classic move by individuals who are sweet on the surface but mean underneath.

Backhanded compliments are their specialty. These veiled insults are designed to undermine and belittle you while maintaining a veneer of pleasantry. It’s like they’re giving you a gift with one hand, but slapping you with the other.

I remember once having a conversation with someone who told me, “You know, for a relationship expert, you’re surprisingly down-to-earth.” It took me a moment to realize that it wasn’t really a compliment at all.

As the great Maya Angelou once said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” If someone’s compliments leave you feeling insulted rather than flattered, it’s usually not an accident – it’s a sign of their true character lurking beneath the surface.

5) They’re always the hero in their stories

We all enjoy a good tale, especially when we’re the protagonist. But people who are pleasant on the surface and mean underneath have a tendency to always paint themselves as the hero in their stories.

Whether it’s a minor incident at work or a major life event, they somehow manage to spin the narrative so they come out on top. They’re always the one who saved the day, made the right call, or swooped in at the last moment to fix everything.

I once knew someone like this. Every story they told was about how they’d outsmarted someone else, or saved a project from disaster. It took me a while to realize that these stories were less about sharing experiences and more about showcasing their own superiority.

If someone seems to be the flawless hero of every story they tell, chances are, they’re not giving you the full picture.

This behavior often hides a need to appear perfect and an inability to accept their own flaws – hallmarks of those who are sweet on the surface, but not so much underneath.

6) They never truly apologize

Apologies can be a true test of character. It’s easy to say sorry, but a lot harder to mean it. People who are pleasant on the surface but mean underneath often struggle with this.

They might say the words, but their apologies often come with excuses or justifications. It’s always “I’m sorry, but…” or “I apologize if you felt that way…”. These are not true apologies. They’re attempts to deflect blame and maintain their image.

I recall a friend who had this habit. Every time she hurt someone, her apologies felt hollow, always accompanied by a reason that somehow made her actions seem justifiable. It was a classic case of not owning up to one’s mistakes.

Oscar Wilde once said, “True friends stab you in the front.” It means that real friends will be honest with you, even when it hurts. They won’t hide behind fake apologies or insincere regrets.

Recognizing these traits can help us navigate our relationships better and steer clear of those who might not have our best interests at heart.

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7) They use your secrets against you

This one’s a tough pill to swallow. We all have vulnerabilities and secrets that we only share with those we trust the most. Unfortunately, people who are nice on the surface but mean underneath often misuse this trust.

These individuals have a knack for storing information and using it against you later. You might think you’re having an intimate heart-to-heart, but they’re just collecting ammunition.

Your shared secret can suddenly become a weapon in their hands, used to belittle, manipulate, or control you.

It’s a deeply hurtful betrayal. Trust is sacred, and when someone uses your deepest secrets against you, it’s a clear sign of their true character. Always remember, real friends protect your secrets, they don’t exploit them.

Wrapping it up

Peeling back the layers of human behavior is no easy task. It requires a deep understanding, patience, and the ability to read between the lines. To navigate relationships, we must be mindful of these behaviors that are pleasant on the surface but mean underneath.

The truth is, it’s not always easy to identify these traits in people. They’re often subtle and masked behind a veneer of niceness. But being aware of these signs can equip us with the knowledge to navigate our relationships better.

To delve deeper into this topic, I highly recommend watching this insightful video by Justin Brown. He explores the complexities of finding a life partner, reflecting on his personal experience after a failed date and the lessons he learned.

From understanding the importance of shared values to the significance of growth and mutual support in a relationship, he shares his top insights to help you navigate your journey of finding a compatible partner.

Recognizing and understanding these behaviors can empower us to make informed decisions about our relationships. It allows us to protect ourselves from potential manipulation and emotional harm.

And most importantly, it helps us cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships with those around us.