People who are kind on the surface but mean underneath often display these 8 specific behaviors
Two-faced. Backstabbing. Insincere. Disingenuous. Fake.
Call it what you will; people who possess this quality are some of the most treacherous folks out there. They’ll lie right to your face, pretending to be your friend but really being maligned against you.
Their duplicity is truly damaging because of how skilled they are at drawing you in.
They make you think that they’re nice, friendly, helpful people until one day, suddenly and unexpectedly, they turn around and mistreat you.
So how do you protect yourself against these people who are clearly out to cause others harm?
The best way is to learn to recognize them in seconds and make yourself aware of how manipulative they are. That way, you can keep your distance and block them out of your life.
People who are kind on the surface but mean underneath often display these eight specific behaviors that will help you identify them long before they can work their tricks on you.
1) They’re over-excited to see you.
One of the easiest ways to spot someone who’s fake nice is the way they make a big deal of receiving you when you show up.
They might give you a huge smile and a big hug, even calling out your name and making a big drama of the whole thing, even though you see each other regularly.
If it was TV, you’d expect that they’d just finished saying something nasty about you, then turned around and overacted to try to show the exact opposite.
Well, guess what?
This is one instance where TV is pretty much in line with reality. People actually do this to try to distract from their two-faced ways.
And even if you don’t notice them doing this to you, you can often witness it first-hand when they talk trash about others and then turn around and greet them like bosom buddies.
2) They want to be the center of attention.
People who are kind but only on the outside are superficial.
They want to be perceived in certain ways even though the reality is an entirely different story.
One of the reasons they do this is that they tend to want to be the center of attention at all times. This narcissistic tendency means that they’ll do what they have to do and be how they have to be to get attention and admiration from others.
So this goes hand-in-hand with being kind on the surface.
At the same time, they’re perfectly fine with being a whole different person underneath that thin yet appealing skin.
How can you tell when someone is being fake kind just to draw attention to themself?
They’ll make a big show of any kindness that they do. They’ll even tell you literally how nice they are and how they help people all the time.
Authentically kind people don’t unusually feel the need to do this. They just let their actions speak for themselves.
3) They gossip.
I’m sure you guessed this specific behavior that fake nice people are always associated with.
We already mentioned how they’ll talk trash about someone only to turn around and be super-sweet to them.
But that’s just the beginning of what they do in the gossip arena.
They’ll gladly talk about other people and their problems. And the worse someone else seems to be doing, the more interested you’ll see them be.
This is a clear indication that they’re a whole lot meaner than they’d like people to believe.
They might really feed on the misery of others while putting on the appearance of a saint. But this is usually a thin disguise.
One of the most insidious things you might catch them doing is starting negative rumors about other people. Or if they do learn something bad that another person is going through, they’ll have no hesitation to share it all over town.
This behavior is anything but nice!
4) They talk but rarely listen.
Part of wanting to be the center of attention and being fake nice to others is always wanting to be the one talking.
I think the reason these people love holding the floor is that they think it gives them the opportunity to control the flow of information in any conversation.
And in general, they’re right.
People tend to believe what they hear because they usually assume people aren’t lying to them. So as long as a person is constantly talking and directing conversations, they have a pretty good hold on “truth”.
As we’ve seen with politics in recent years, whoever talks louder seems to be better believed.
This also means that these people rarely listen, and of course, that’s not a nice behavior at all.
Conversations are supposed to involve give and take. They don’t have to be 50/50 – many people are naturally quieter than others – but if you’re not letting others speak at all, you’re not giving them the kindness and respect that they deserve.
5) They treat others with disdain.
While they might be perfectly nice to you but treat others really badly right in front of you, or at least not far enough away so you won’t notice.
Most of the time, I notice this in service situations.
You’re sitting there having what seems to be a nice, friendly conversation with someone who seems kind.
But when a server comes along, the other person’s demeanor suddenly changes. They treat the server as if they’re actually a servant rather than simply a service industry worker, and they suddenly look ugly.
It’s pretty simple – you can’t be kind and caring but then treat others with disdain as if they’re lower than the dust under your feet.
6) They’re not so nice when you win.
You know those people who seem perfectly friendly but whose faces drop as soon as they hear about your successes?
Not so authentically kind, after all, right?
I had a friend like this years ago.
He’d invite me over to his place, open up an expensive bottle of wine, and talk about how well his business was doing. And I’d listen and congratulate him.
But if I talked about something I was succeeding at, he always seemed to view that as a statement of competition. It definitely wasn’t, and I’d certainly tell him when I wasn’t doing so well, too.
Something else that really made him flip was when we’d play games.
He had a game that I’d played a lot when I was a kid, and I told him that, But when I beat him, he seemed astounded. When I beat him three times in a row, he seemed really upset and declared the game to be no fun anyway.
7) Their words and body language are misaligned.
Want a quick sign of fake kindness?
Look at a person’s body language and see if it lines up with what their words are telling you.
While they might be speaking sweetly and seeming like they’re friendly, their face and gestures can give them away.
Their smile might be all teeth, and never touch their eyes.
They might be praising you but clenching their fists.
When speech and boy language are out of alignment, you’re usually looking at someone who’s not being authentic.
8) They make a show of how kind they are.
As someone who used to manage a small charitable organization, I’ve had a lot of experience with people giving what they have to help others.
This beautiful act can seem selfless, and indeed, it often is. But at other times, you can clearly see other motivations shining through.
And to be honest, a person who does self-promotion after they’ve made a donation actually helps charities quite a bit. When others see that they’ve donated, it encourages them to follow suit, and that makes more people give.
But the important thing to consider here is how much they promote themselves.
If a person does something charitable and then makes a post like this: “Just finished volunteering at a nursing home. Great experience!” in their social media, it draws attention to their action and may motivate others.
But if they write something like, “A nursing home asked me to come down and volunteer with them. They were so grateful for my assistance and can’t wait for me to come back again,” there’s something different going on.
See how the focus has suddenly changed from the act of volunteering to how desired and well-liked they are?
This happens in conversation a lot, too. People who want everyone to think they’re kind will go out of their way to talk about it.
Forget humility – they’re likely looking for attention here and not at all trying to be good people.
People who are kind on the surface but mean underneath often display these eight specific behaviors.
They’re fake and fraudulent, and if you let them, they’ll probably hurt you.
That’s why it’s essential to learn how they behave so you can keep them at arm’s length.