Kindness is a virtue we all aim to embody, a principle we’ve been taught from a young age: “treat others as you’d like to be treated.”

Yet, there’s a fine line between kindness and being perceived as a pushover.

As we navigate our personal growth, striking the right balance between genuine compassion and assertiveness becomes crucial.

In this article, we’ll uncover 8 subtle behaviors often seen in those who are authentically kind but struggle with assertiveness.

These signs might be so ingrained that you don’t even realize they reflect a tendency to people-please.

By recognizing these traits, you can learn to stand up for yourself while staying true to your kind nature.

Let’s explore these behaviors and discover how to assert ourselves without losing our inherent kindness.

1) Always putting others first

In the world of kindness, selflessness is a common trait.

But for those who are kind yet lack a backbone, this trait can be taken to the extreme.

These individuals are constantly prioritizing others over themselves, even to their own detriment.

It’s not just being there for others; it’s neglecting their own needs and wants in the process.

However, this doesn’t mean they’re martyrs or looking for sympathy.

Their subconscious drive to help and appease others often overrules their ability to assert their own needs.

They might feel guilty or uncomfortable even thinking about putting themselves first.

Unfortunately, this behavior can lead to burnout and resentment over time — all without them even realizing it.

2) Difficulty saying ‘No’

Now, let’s talk about a concept we’re all familiar with – setting boundaries.

In psychology, setting boundaries means defining what’s acceptable behavior towards you and what isn’t. It’s about knowing your limits and making sure others respect them.

But here’s the catch…

People who are genuinely kind but lack a backbone often struggle with this concept.

They find it extremely difficult to say ‘No’ to any request, even if it’s unreasonable or infringes on their personal time or space.

The thought of disappointing or upsetting someone else by refusing their request can cause them considerable anxiety.

They end up agreeing to things they don’t want to or shouldn’t have to.

Hence, a frequent inability to say ‘No’ even in situations where it’s necessary could be another indicator of this behavioral pattern. 

3) Apologizing unnecessarily

Interestingly, this difficulty in saying ‘No’ often goes hand in hand with another trait – excessive apologizing.

It might seem counter-intuitive at first, but let’s delve a little deeper.

Genuinely kind individuals who struggle with assertiveness tend to be overly apologetic, even when there’s no real need to be.

They might apologize for things that aren’t their fault or for events they had no control over.

Why is this so?

Their strong desire to maintain peace and avoid conflict drives them to take responsibility for mishaps, regardless of whether they’re at fault.

They believe that this approach helps prevent potential conflicts and keeps everyone around them content.

This tendency can result in them being exploited by others.

And worst of all, they might end up internalizing guilt that they shouldn’t be carrying in the first place.

4) Playing the peacemaker

Ever find yourself playing the mediator in conflicts, even when you’re not directly involved?

This could be another sign.

People who are genuinely kind but lack a backbone often find themselves playing the peacemaker in conflicts.

Their inherent kindness and desire for harmony push them to intervene and try to smooth over any disagreements or clashes.

They believe that by doing this, they can maintain a peaceful environment and prevent any discomfort for those around them.

This constant drive to maintain peace can sometimes cause them to suppress their own opinions or feelings.

They may avoid sharing their true thoughts to prevent conflict, even when it’s crucial for their own well-being.

While this behavior can be admirable in certain contexts, it can become problematic if it prevents them from standing up for themselves or expressing their thoughts openly.

5) Struggling with decision-making

Imagine you’re at a restaurant with a group of friends. The waiter comes over to take your order, and you’re unsure about what to get.

You look at what others are ordering and decide to go with the same, even though it’s not what you really wanted. Does this sound familiar?

This scenario is a common occurrence for people who are genuinely kind but lack a backbone.

They struggle with decision-making, especially when their choices could potentially affect others.

They fear that their decisions might upset or inconvenience someone else, so they’d rather go with the flow than assert their own preferences.

They may even question their own judgement and rely on others to make choices for them.

Remember the words of Franklin D. Roosevelt: “The only limit to our realization of tomorrow is our doubts of today.”

6) Frequently being taken advantage of

Here’s something personal I’ve observed over the years.

I had a friend who was the kindest soul you could ever meet. Always there for everyone, always ready to help.

But over time, I noticed that people started to take advantage of his kindness.

He was often put in situations where he ended up doing more than his fair share, simply because he couldn’t say ‘No’.

This is a common scenario for people who are genuinely kind but lack a backbone.

Their inability to assert themselves and their tendency to always put others first can unfortunately make them easy targets for those looking to take advantage.

The sad part is they often don’t even realize they’re being exploited. They’re so focused on helping others that they overlook the fact that they’re being taken for granted.

7) Having a hard time accepting compliments

Ever watched someone’s reaction to a compliment and wondered why it’s so difficult for them to accept praise?

For genuinely kind individuals who struggle with assertiveness, receiving compliments can be a real challenge.

They might feel awkward, downplay their accomplishments, or attribute their successes to luck or external factors rather than their own abilities.

Often, they deflect the praise to others, finding it hard to accept credit themselves.

This tendency usually stems from a lack of self-esteem or confidence.

They may feel unworthy of the compliment or worry that accepting it will make them appear conceited.

Wayne Dyer wisely observed, “Self-worth comes from one thing – thinking that you are worthy.”

Embracing compliments graciously isn’t an act of vanity. It’s a way of acknowledging their worth and celebrating their strengths and achievements.

8) Being reluctant to ask for help

I remember a time when I was juggling multiple responsibilities – work, family, social commitments, all at once.

I was overwhelmed, but I found myself reluctant to ask for help. I didn’t want to trouble anyone or be seen as incapable.

I’ve noticed that people who are genuinely kind but lack backbone share this trait.

They’re always ready to lend a helping hand, but when it comes to seeking help, they hesitate.

They worry about imposing on others or being a burden. They’d rather struggle on their own than inconvenience someone else.

This reluctance isn’t just about being independent or self-sufficient. It’s a manifestation of their deep-seated belief that their needs should never inconvenience others.

Their compassionate nature makes them excellent at providing support, but this same kindness often inhibits them from seeking help when they need it.

What can we do to support?

Understanding these behaviors is just the first step. The real question is, how can we support these genuinely kind individuals who lack a backbone? Here are a few simple steps:

• Encourage self-care: Reinforce the importance of taking care of their own needs and not just those of others.
• Promote assertiveness: Encourage them to speak up, convey their thoughts openly, and make decisions for themselves.
• Validate their feelings: Let them know it’s okay to feel upset or disappointed and that they don’t always have to keep the peace.

This understanding and support can go a long way in helping them strike a balance between their inherent kindness and the need for a stronger backbone.

Kindness and assertiveness can coexist.

They are not mutually exclusive. It’s about understanding this delicate balance and helping those around us understand it too.