There’s a vast difference between being emotionally unavailable and simply being guarded. The former often stems from deeper issues, rooted in childhood experiences that have left a lasting impact.

These experiences can shape how people view relationships, often leading them to keep their emotions under tight control. They may struggle to open up, creating a barrier that prevents them from fully connecting with their partner.

Being emotionally unavailable doesn’t mean they don’t care or aren’t capable of love; it just means they have certain walls up due to past traumas.

And as someone who has spent years studying relationships, I’ve seen firsthand how these childhood experiences affect adult relationships.

In this article, we’ll delve into the 7 common childhood experiences that often lead to emotional unavailability in relationships. You might find your own past reflected in these stories, or perhaps you’ll gain insight into the behavior of someone close to you.

Either way, understanding is always the first step towards healing and change. Let’s get started.

1) Neglectful upbringing

One of the common experiences that often lead to emotional unavailability in adulthood is a neglectful upbringing.

Children need to feel loved, valued and seen. When these needs aren’t met, it can create a deep-seated feeling of unworthiness.

Often, these children grow up believing they’re not deserving of love or emotional connection, which can manifest as emotional unavailability in their adult relationships.

It’s not that they don’t desire love or connection; they may just struggle to believe they’re worthy of it or fear the vulnerability that comes with it.

This is not about laying blame on parents or caregivers. Rather, it’s about understanding the roots of emotional unavailability so that healing can begin. Acknowledging the past is a critical step towards changing our present and future.

2) Excessive praise

Surprisingly enough, receiving excessive praise during childhood can also lead to emotional unavailability in adulthood.

Children who are constantly praised may develop an inflated sense of self-worth. They may begin to believe that they are deserving of constant admiration and attention.

This can lead to unrealistic expectations in relationships, where they expect their partner to constantly validate them.

However, relationships require give and take. When one person is always seeking validation, it can be draining for the other. This constant need for affirmation can create an emotional barrier, making it difficult for them to genuinely connect with their partner.

It’s a paradox: the person who was lavished with praise as a child can end up being emotionally unavailable, because their need for constant validation creates a barrier to true emotional intimacy.

3) Absence of emotional expression

Growing up in an environment where emotional expression was not encouraged or even frowned upon can lead to emotional unavailability.

Children who are conditioned to suppress their feelings and emotions often grow up into adults who struggle to express their emotions in a healthy manner. They may find it challenging to open up about their feelings, creating a wall of emotional unavailability in their relationships.

This is something I’ve explored in my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship. We delve into how these repressed emotions can impact our relationships and ways to overcome this barrier.

You know, acknowledging the absence of emotional expression in one’s upbringing is not about placing blame. It’s about understanding how these experiences have shaped our emotional landscape and finding ways to navigate it for healthier relationships.

4) Traumatic experiences

Trauma can leave deep scars and not just physical ones. Childhood trauma can manifest itself in many ways, one of which is emotional unavailability.

Children who have experienced trauma may build emotional walls to protect themselves. These walls often remain in place during adulthood, making it challenging to form deep emotional connections in relationships.

In fact, as a wise person once said, “We are not defined by our traumas, we are defined by how we survive them”. And surviving trauma often means learning to open up emotionally and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable in our relationships.

The journey towards healing from trauma and breaking down these emotional walls can be challenging but imperative for healthy, fulfilling relationships.

5) Unstable family environment

An unstable family environment during childhood can also contribute to emotional unavailability in adulthood.

Children crave stability and consistency. When their home environment is chaotic or unpredictable, it can create feelings of insecurity and uncertainty. In order to navigate this instability, they may learn to detach emotionally as a means of self-protection.

This detachment can carry over into their adult relationships, making it difficult for them to fully invest emotionally.

As someone who has worked with many individuals from varied backgrounds, I’ve seen how this instability during childhood can lead to emotional detachment in adulthood.

But it’s important to note that these patterns can be unlearned and replaced with healthier habits. It’s never too late for change.

6) Lack of parental affection

A lack of parental affection can have a profound impact on a child’s emotional development. Children who do not receive enough affection may grow into adults who struggle with expressing love and emotion in their relationships.

When love, hugs, and words of affirmation are scarce in childhood, it can create a sense of emotional deprivation. This deprivation can manifest as emotional unavailability in adulthood.

As the famed psychiatrist Carl Jung once said, “The most damaging thing in the life of a child is the unlived life of the parent.” When parents withhold affection, it can leave a lasting impact on their children’s ability to connect emotionally.

In my years of research and counselling, I’ve seen this pattern play out countless times. But I’ve also seen many overcome this hurdle and learn to connect deeply and genuinely with their partners. Change is possible with understanding and effort.

For more insights, feel free to follow me on Facebook. I regularly share my latest articles and thoughts on relationships there!

7) Emotional abuse

The last experience we’re discussing today, and perhaps the most potent, is emotional abuse.

Children who have been emotionally abused may find it extremely difficult to trust and open up in their adult relationships. The hurtful words and actions they experienced can create a deep fear of emotional intimacy.

Emotional abuse can make one feel unworthy of love and create a false belief that every relationship will end in pain. This fear often leads to emotional unavailability as a protective mechanism.

This is a raw and harsh reality for many, but acknowledging it is the first step towards healing. It’s important to remember that the past doesn’t have to dictate the future, and it’s never too late to seek help and start the journey towards emotional health and fulfilling relationships.

Breaking down the walls

As we journey through life, we carry our past with us. Our childhood experiences, whether joyful or painful, shape us in profound ways. For those who’ve had challenging experiences, emotional unavailability in relationships can be a common outcome.

But please know that, acknowledging these experiences and their impact is not about assigning blame or wallowing in the past.

It’s about understanding our patterns, taking steps towards change and breaking down the walls we’ve built around our hearts and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and open to love.

As famed psychoanalyst Carl Jung said, “I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.” We have the power to rewrite our narrative, to heal from our past, and to form healthy, fulfilling relationships.

In this journey of healing and growth, it can be helpful to seek insights from various sources. One such source is Justin Brown who explores complex topics related to personal growth and relationships in a relatable way.

In one of his videos, Justin reflects on whether it’s too late to settle down and start a family in his 40s. This video is particularly relevant for those who feel pressured by societal expectations and who are grappling with emotional unavailability.

Well, you are not alone in this journey. And it’s never too late for change. It’s never too late for love.