Being deeply self-serving often comes naturally, and sometimes, people don’t even realize they’re doing it.

It’s like walking a tightrope – on one side, it’s all about caring for your own needs and wants, which is important. On the other side, it can tip into being excessively self-focused, overshadowing the needs and feelings of others.

In my years of exploring human relationships, I’ve noticed some common behaviors deeply self-serving people often display without even realizing it.

In this blog post, we’re going to delve into eight key behaviors that reveal a person’s inclination towards being overly self-serving.

Unveiling these habits can help us be more aware of our own actions and how they impact those around us.

1) Prioritizing their needs over others

In the world of human interactions, there’s a fine line between taking care of oneself and being overly self-serving.

See, it’s perfectly fine to prioritize your own needs and wants – we all do it. After all, self-care is essential for mental and physical health.

But some people, often unknowingly, let this need for self-preservation tip over into a realm where they consistently put their needs above everyone else’s.

It could be as simple as always choosing the restaurant for dinner or as significant as making major decisions that affect others without consulting them. This behavior stems from a deep-seated belief that their needs, desires, and opinions hold more weight than those of others.

Remember, we all have moments of self-serving behaviors. It becomes a problem when this behavior is consistent and takes precedence over considering the feelings and needs of others around us.

It’s about striking a balance. If you find yourself leaning too much towards being self-serving, it might be time to take a step back and reassess.

2) Exhibiting an unexpected humility

This might seem counterintuitive, but sometimes being deeply self-serving can manifest as feigned humility. Yes, you heard that right.

At first glance, these individuals might come across as exceptionally humble, always downplaying their achievements or brushing off compliments. But this humility often has an ulterior motive.

By appearing humble, they draw more attention to themselves. It’s a covert way of fishing for compliments or reassurances, which feeds into their need for validation and reassurance.

It’s a tricky one to spot because it’s wrapped in what seems like a positive trait. But the key here is consistency and intent.

If the humility feels forced or if it always leads to them being the center of attention, it might be a sign of a deeply self-serving nature.

3) Struggling with genuine empathy

During my years of studying relationships and human behavior, one thing has stood out: deeply self-serving individuals often struggle with genuine empathy.

Now, this doesn’t mean they can’t empathize at all. But their empathy often comes with strings attached. It tends to be selective and self-serving.

They might show great concern and understanding if it aligns with their own interests or if they see a potential gain for themselves.

Empathy is about understanding and sharing someone else’s feelings without any ulterior motives. It’s about putting ourselves in their shoes and feeling their joy, their pain, their fears, and their hopes as if they were our own.

In my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, I delve deeper into this topic of empathy and why it’s so essential in any healthy relationship. But for now, know that a lack of genuine empathy can be a sign of a deeply self-serving nature.

4) Having a hard time admitting mistakes

Admitting when we’re wrong is tough for everyone. It requires a certain level of humility and self-awareness. But for deeply self-serving individuals, it can be particularly challenging.

These individuals often have a hard time owning up to their mistakes. Instead, they might deflect, blame others, or even rewrite the narrative to paint themselves in a more favorable light. Their ego and self-image take precedence over truth and accountability.

As Oscar Wilde wisely said, “Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.” We all make mistakes – it’s part of being human.

The true test of character is not in never failing but in our ability to stand up, own our mistakes, and learn from them.

In my own life, I’ve found that admitting my mistakes, while difficult at times, has allowed for growth and deeper connections with others.

So if you notice someone consistently avoiding accountability for their actions, it might be a sign of a deeply self-serving nature.

5) Seeking constant validation

We all like a bit of validation now and then—it’s human nature. A compliment here, an acknowledgment there, it feels good. But for some, this desire for validation can become an insatiable need.

Deeply self-serving individuals often seek constant reassurance and validation from others. They crave for their actions, decisions, and even their very existence to be affirmed by those around them. This is because their self-worth is heavily tied to external validation.

I’ve learned over the years that true confidence and self-worth come from within. It’s about knowing your value and not needing others to confirm it constantly.

6) Dominating conversations

Communication is a two-way street. It’s about listening as much as it’s about speaking.

But for deeply self-serving individuals, conversations often become a platform for them to assert their opinions, recount their experiences, or showcase their knowledge.

You’ve probably met someone like that – the person who turns every conversation back to themselves.

It’s not easy to have a balanced conversation with such individuals because they’re always waiting for their turn to speak rather than truly listening to what you have to say.

As the great Stephen R. Covey once said, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

For more insights and articles like this, feel free to follow me on Facebook. I share plenty of content there that can help us navigate the complexities of human behavior and relationships.

7) Difficulty in maintaining long-term relationships

This one is a bit raw, but it’s worth mentioning. Deeply self-serving individuals often struggle with maintaining long-term relationships.

It’s not that they can’t form relationships. They often can, and sometimes they can be quite charming and magnetic at the onset. But as time goes on, their self-serving nature begins to show.

They might start taking more than they give, prioritizing their needs above their partner’s, or showing a lack of genuine empathy.

These behaviors can strain and eventually break down relationships. Because at the end of the day, a lasting relationship requires mutual respect, understanding, and compromise. It’s about being there for each other, in good times and bad.

It’s a hard truth, but if someone in your life has a pattern of failed relationships due to these behaviors, it could be a sign of deeply self-serving nature.

Reflecting on self-serving behavior

The eight behaviors that we’ve explored in this article are not exhaustive, but they provide a starting point to recognize patterns that may point towards deeply self-serving tendencies.

Now, it’s important to remember that we all have moments of self-serving behavior. It’s part of being human. Recognizing these tendencies in ourselves or others is not about assigning blame or judgment. Instead, it’s about fostering understanding and growth.

One of my favorite quotes by Maya Angelou says, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” This sentiment resonates deeply with the themes we’ve explored here today. Awareness is the first step towards change and growth.

I’ve found this video by Justin Brown to be a fantastic resource that digs deeper into some of the themes we’ve discussed in this article. Justin discusses ten worrying new age self-help trends and argues for a more grounded, community-oriented approach to personal growth:

Whether you see these behaviors in yourself or someone around you, remember: change is always possible. And sometimes, recognizing the problem is half the solution.