There’s a pretty big difference between being cordial with your ex and genuinely remaining friends.

The difference? It’s all about authenticity. Being cordial is simply being polite and avoiding conflict, while genuine friendship involves mutual respect, understanding, and a shared bond that outlasts the romantic relationship.

Being friends with an ex isn’t for everyone. It requires unique traits that not everyone possesses. But those who do have these qualities seem to navigate the tricky terrain of post-breakup friendship with grace.

Curious about what these traits are? Here are the nine distinct qualities usually found in people who can genuinely remain friends with their exes.

1) Emotional maturity

Staying friends with an ex requires a strong dose of emotional maturity.

We all know that breakups can be messy, filled with hurt feelings and bruised egos. But those who can step beyond the immediate pain, and see the bigger picture, tend to fare better.

Emotional maturity is about being able to manage your feelings, instead of letting them manage you. It means being able to separate the past romantic relationship from the potential future friendship.

And it’s not just about managing your own feelings. It also involves showing empathy towards your ex, understanding their perspective and respecting their feelings.

This isn’t easy, and it’s not something everyone can do. But if you can, it’s a big step towards maintaining a genuine friendship with an ex.

2) Clear communication

Another vital trait for maintaining a friendship with an ex is clear communication.

I’ve seen this firsthand in my own life. After a particularly difficult breakup, I realized that if we were going to stay friends, we needed to be clear about our expectations and boundaries.

There was a lot of potential for misunderstanding and hurt feelings, so we sat down and had an honest discussion. We talked about what our friendship would look like, what was off-limits in our conversations, and how we’d handle it if one of us started dating someone new.

Opening up that line of communication was like a lifeline for us. Sure, there were bumps along the way, moments where it felt like walking on eggshells. But hey, being able to talk things through openly? That was our saving grace.

Clear communication isn’t just a nicety—it’s a game-changer. It’s the secret sauce that keeps misunderstandings and resentment at bay. And trust me, when you’re navigating the tricky waters of transitioning from lovers to friends, you’re gonna need all the help you can get.

So, if you’re in the trenches of post-breakup friendship, keep those lines of communication wide open. Believe me, it’s worth it.

3) Self-confidence

Self-confidence plays a significant role in maintaining friendships with exes.

People who are secure in themselves tend to handle breakups better. They understand that the end of a relationship doesn’t reflect negatively on their worth or desirability.

Self-confidence allows one to see beyond the breakup and recognize the value their ex still brings into their life as a friend. It’s about acknowledging that while the romantic aspect didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean the entire relationship was a failure.

4) Patience

Patience is a virtue, especially when it comes to transitioning from a romantic relationship to a platonic friendship with an ex.

Let’s be real—the aftermath of a breakup can feel like riding a rollercoaster of emotions. Jumping straight into the friend zone might sound like a solid plan, but trust me, it’s often smoother to let the dust settle first.

Patience is the name of the game here. Give yourself and your ex some breathing room to process those feelings and find your feet in this new territory. Healing’s a journey, not a sprint, and it looks different for everyone.

By taking it slow, you’re setting the stage for a more organic transition into friendship mode. It might take a hot minute—weeks, months, or even longer—but giving it time can lay down the groundwork for a friendship that’s as solid as they come down the road.

5) Independence

Let’s talk about another key ingredient for those who successfully navigate the realm of ex-friendships: independence.

Now, staying buds with an ex isn’t about clinging to what’s past or leaning on them for emotional crutches. It’s about standing tall on your own turf, all while recognizing the unique value they bring to your life as a friend.

Independent souls get it. They know that their happiness and self-worth aren’t hitched to their ex’s wagon. They’re out there living their best lives, with or without their ex in the romantic picture.

This sense of independence? It sets the stage for a friendship that’s free from any sneaky agendas or unrealistic expectations. It’s all about striking that sweet balance, where both sides can thrive and flourish.

And hey, just a friendly reminder: independence doesn’t mean going solo 24/7. It’s about owning your space and standing strong, all while cherishing the unique bond you share with your ex.

6) Forgiveness

Now, I get it—to forgive and forget is easier said than done, right? But here’s the thing: clinging onto past hurts or grudges is akin to drinking poison. It doesn’t do you any favors, especially if you’re aiming for a legit friendship.

But here’s the kicker: forgiveness isn’t about brushing off what went down or pretending like it didn’t hurt. Rather, it’s about releasing that pent-up resentment and anger, making space for some serious peace to come your way.

When you forgive, you’re not just doing it for them—you’re doing it for you. You’re giving yourself the gift of peace and making room for a potential friendship to blossom.  

7) Respect

Respect is a fundamental element in any relationship, romantic or otherwise. If you want to maintain a friendship with an ex, respect has to be at its core.

I learned this the hard way. After a breakup, I kept pushing for a friendship with my ex before she was ready. I wanted things to go back to “normal” as quickly as possible, but my impatience only drove a wedge between us.

It took me a while to understand that I was dismissing her feelings in the process. I had to learn to respect her need for space and time to heal. Once I did that, we were able to slowly build a friendship on our own terms.

Respect in this context means acknowledging and valuing your ex’s feelings, needs, and boundaries, just as you would with any other friend. It’s about treating them with kindness and empathy, even when things are tough.

Remember, respect is a two-way street. It’s not just about how you treat them, but also how they treat you. A genuine friendship can only exist if mutual respect is maintained.

8) Honesty

Honesty forms the bedrock of any solid relationship, and this holds true even when maintaining a friendship with an ex-partner.

Following a breakup, emotions can be intense, leading to a temptation to conceal true feelings in order to avoid conflict. However, establishing a basis of honesty is crucial for fostering a genuine friendship.

Being honest entails openly communicating your feelings, even when they may be challenging to address. It requires the courage to express your genuine emotions rather than saying what you believe the other person wants to hear.

Moreover, honesty involves staying true to yourself. If remaining friends with an ex feels uncomfortable or if you require more time to heal, it’s perfectly acceptable to communicate those sentiments.

9) No ulterior motives

The most fundamental quality necessary for maintaining a genuine friendship with an ex is having no ulterior motives.

If there are any lingering feelings or hopes of rekindling the romance, it’s not a genuine friendship you’re after. This isn’t fair to either party and can lead to more hurt in the long run.

Having no ulterior motives means you genuinely value the person for who they are, and not for what they represented to you in the past. It’s about wanting them in your life as a friend, and nothing more.

This is perhaps the hardest quality to have, but it’s also the most crucial. Without it, a true friendship with an ex is almost impossible.

Final thoughts: It’s about growth

Navigating the nuances of human relationships can be as complex and varied as the individuals involved. Yet, at the heart of it all lies our capacity for growth.

Maintaining a genuine friendship with an ex isn’t for everyone, nor should it be forced. But for those who are able to, it’s a testament to their emotional maturity, self-confidence, and ability to adapt.

It’s important to remember that these qualities aren’t exclusive to friendships with exes but are valuable in all types of relationships. They reflect our capacity for empathy, understanding, and resilience in the face of change.

As you reflect on these qualities, consider how they might apply in your own life. Not just in terms of maintaining friendships with exes but in how you approach relationships in general. Because at the end of the day, our relationships are a mirror into our own growth as individuals.