The impact of childhood experiences can shape us in ways that we often don’t realize. For those raised by controlling parents, certain behavioral patterns may emerge in adulthood.

Let’s be clear, this isn’t about blame. It’s about understanding the lasting effects of trauma and learning to navigate life in spite of them.

People who’ve survived such upbringing often develop distinct habits as adults. Some of these habits may seem peculiar to others, but they make perfect sense when you consider the context.

Here are eight common habits often displayed by adults who were raised in abusive households.

1) Hyper-vigilance

Growing up in a controlling environment often means that uncertainty and fear become constant companions. For a child, not knowing when the next outburst will happen can be terrifying.

This unpredictability often leads to the development of hyper-vigilance – an enhanced state of sensory sensitivity.

Adults who were raised in such conditions may find themselves always on high alert, even in situations where there is no apparent threat. They are constantly scanning their surroundings for any signs of danger.

This habit is not something they consciously decide to do, it’s an automatic response born out of a need for self-preservation. It’s a survival tactic that served them well during their childhood, but may cause undue stress in their adult life.

Understanding this behavior is the first step towards healing. It’s not about blaming or shaming, but about recognizing how our past experiences can shape our present behaviors.

2) Difficulty trusting others

Trust is a funny thing. For many of us, it’s as natural as breathing, something we give without a second thought. But for those of us who grew up in abusive households, trust can be a battle.

I know this firsthand. I was raised in an environment where trust was frequently broken. Promises made were promises rarely kept. This led me to become wary of relying on others and made me question their intentions.

As an adult, I often find myself holding people at arm’s length, even those who’ve proven themselves to be trustworthy. It’s not that I don’t want to trust them, but past experiences have taught me to be cautious.

This habit can create hurdles in personal relationships and professional settings. But once you understand where it stems from, you can start working towards building healthier patterns of trust.

3) Difficulty expressing emotions

In these households, expressing emotions can often be a risky endeavor. Children may learn to suppress their feelings as a means of survival, leading to difficulties in emotional expression as adults.

This suppression isn’t only about negative emotions like anger or sadness. Joy, excitement, and even love can be stifled if the child fears a negative reaction.

According to a study published in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, children exposed to abuse are more likely to struggle with emotional regulation in adulthood. This can lead to issues like anxiety, depression, and difficulty forming meaningful relationships.

But remember, understanding is the first step towards change. Recognizing this habit can help pave the way for healthier emotional expression.

4) Overachieving or underachieving

Survivors of childhood abuse often swing to one extreme or the other when it comes to achievement. They may become overachievers, constantly pushing themselves to excel in an attempt to gain validation and approval that was lacking in their upbringing.

On the flip side, they might also become underachievers. They may struggle with a deep-seated belief that they’re not good enough, no matter what they do. This low self-esteem can lead to a lack of motivation or ambition.

Both these patterns are rooted in the same place – a desperate need for acceptance and positive reinforcement. Recognizing this can be the key to breaking the cycle and fostering healthier self-perception.

5) Difficulty maintaining relationships

Childhood is our first classroom for learning about relationships. If that classroom is filled with neglect, it can profoundly impact how we relate to others as adults.

People with controlling pasts might find it hard to form and maintain healthy relationships. They may struggle with intimacy, have trust issues, or even sabotage relationships before they get too serious.

This isn’t because they don’t want love or companionship. Quite the opposite. It’s that the fear of being hurt again can be so overwhelming, it feels safer to push people away.

But remember, everyone deserves love and connection. Understanding this pattern is the first step towards breaking down those walls and building healthier relationships.

6) Seeking control

Growing up in an abusive environment often means living in chaos. When things around you are constantly unpredictable, control can seem like a lifeline.

I remember how I used to meticulously arrange my toys and books, creating order in a world that felt very out of control. As an adult, this habit has manifested in different ways. From obsessively organizing my workspace to needing to plan every detail of a trip, I’ve realized it’s my way of feeling safe.

But while a certain level of control is necessary, excessive need for it can become a burden. Recognizing this habit can help to find a healthier balance between control and flexibility.

7) Self-blame

 As children, it can be easier to believe that we’re at fault, rather than accepting that those meant to care for us are causing harm.

As adults, this can translate into a habit of self-blame. We might be overly critical of ourselves, constantly feeling guilty or seeing ourselves as the cause of problems.

But remember, no child is ever to blame for the abuse they suffer. Recognizing this pattern of self-blame is crucial in the journey towards self-compassion and healing.

8) Resilience

Despite the challenges and habits we’ve discussed, there’s one crucial thing to remember – individuals who’ve grown up in abusive households often develop an incredible level of resilience.

This strength, born out of adversity, can enable them to endure hardships, bounce back from setbacks, and keep going even when the odds are stacked against them.

It’s a testament to their spirit and a reminder that even in the face of trauma, it is possible to forge a path towards healing and growth.

Final thought: It’s a journey

These habits we’ve discussed aren’t absolutes, but common patterns that can emerge. Understanding them is a step towards healing, towards breaking free from the past and moving forward.

Epictetus, a Greek philosopher, once said “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”  The resilience they often exhibit is a testament to their strength.

But perhaps most importantly, remember this: You are not defined by your past. No matter what you’ve been through, there’s always the potential for growth and change.

So take a moment. Reflect on these words. Understand that the journey towards healing is just that – a journey. It may be long, it may be challenging, but every step forward counts.