Relationships are hard work. Everyone says that these days, don’t they?

And while this is true to a certain extent—all relationships require effort and communication, which can be difficult to navigate at times—I find that many people also use it as an excuse to stay in dysfunctional relationships that don’t serve them in the long run.

Me included.

For years, I used to kid myself into believing that one of my ex-partners would finally meet my expectations.

Until one day, I realized that it wasn’t fair of me to hold him to standards he wasn’t willing to reach and it wasn’t fair of him to promise me he could.

We split up, and as it turned out, the break-up was one of the best things to have ever happened to me.

Here are all my lessons summarized: if you want to live stress-free, never settle for a partner with these 7 traits.

1) They don’t appreciate what they have until it’s gone

Appreciation is one of the golden keys that unlock the door to a sustainable long-term relationship built upon love and gratitude.

Don’t believe me?

Just listen to what experts have to say—Polly Campbell reports in Psychology Today, “A new study found that couples who express and feel gratitude have stronger, more resilient relationships.”

Furthermore, “A growing body of research shows that gratitude is not only a powerful aid in health and well-being, but it may also work as a salve to soothe relationship stress.”

Personally, I’ve found this to be true.

Both my romantic and friendship-based relationships absolutely thrive when all parties know they’re being appreciated and cherished.

And it’s not about some grand gestures of love, either.

Sometimes, all it takes is a simple “thank you” or “I appreciate you”.

If you feel that your partner takes you for granted, it may be time to have a serious conversation with them. And if their behavior doesn’t change no matter how many times they promise it will…

Don’t settle.

There are people out there who would love to give you the world if only you let them.

2) They portray themselves as “mysterious”

Look, I get it. Mystery is thrilling, it’s attractive.

It’s what we initially find appealing about someone—curious to peel all their layers and see what hides beneath, we spend more and more time with them and slowly but surely reveal our own authentic selves.

But mystery has an expiration date.

There comes a point in every relationship when mystery translates to secrecy, and while many couples don’t have to deal with that—they are wholly honest and vulnerable with one another, which means their relationship is based on trust—some partners do try to hide behind the veil of mystery for as long as possible.

I’ve been there, too. It’s what happens when you date an avoidantly attached person.

Terrified of emotional intimacy, they try their best to keep you at arm’s length—even if it’s detrimental to the well-being of the relationship.

Naturally, this makes your life much more stressful because you’re constantly overthinking who they are behind all those lies or omitted truths.

3) They’re stuck in a victim mindset

If you thought the previous trait was stressful, steel yourself for what’s to come.

Victim mindset is one of the worst things you could find in a partner.

Why?

Because it means the person in question never takes accountability for their actions, lets you carry the responsibility for everything bad that happens, and refuses to take charge of their life.

It’s a bit like having an adult child.

As psychiatrist Samantha Boardman, M.D. writes, “Making an identity out of the bad things that happen to us can result in a preoccupation with victimhood, leaving an individual stuck in a vortex of finger-pointing, self-focus, and rumination.”

She adds that people who are stuck in a victim mindset tend to:

• Think of themselves as morally superior to others
• Lack empathy for the suffering of other people when compared to their own
• Ruminate about past victimization
• Constantly seek recognition of their victimhood

A partner who acts this way might blame everything on you, hold grudges, always try to one-up you, and struggle to empathize with your issues.

…which essentially means they are not only providing you with zero emotional support but they’re actually making your life more difficult.

4) They have no conflict-resolution skills

A big lesson I’ve learned about relationships is that it doesn’t really matter how many issues you run into—what matters the most is how you approach those problems.

If you’re dating someone who avoids conflict at all costs, it may be a recipe for a disaster.

This is because conflict is a fundamental part of every relationship, and the longer it is postponed for, the more opportunity there is for resentment and bitterness to grow.

And if there’s one thing that poisons a relationship to its very core, it’s got to be resentment.

The best way to nurture a healthy long-term relationship is to bring up issues as soon as they come up, have a respectful discussion, approach the problem as a team, and try to come to some sort of compromise.

Don’t settle for someone who refuses to talk things through. People often say that communication is key, and I can’t help but agree.

Talk it out.

5) They rarely go outside their comfort zone

This one seems much more harmless in theory—after all, someone who likes to stay inside their comfort zone might be very chill to deal with—but it can actually be just as damaging when put into practice.

Here’s why: humans like to be continually challenged.

When we don’t grow, we stagnate, and this state of limbo usually makes us unhappy to the point when we eventually have to make a change one way or another.

If you’re dating someone who is terrified of change, however, they may forcefully try to stay rooted in one spot while you—yep, that’s right—grow and evolve.

I’m sure you can see the problem now.

Whilst you will continue to learn new skills, grow in emotional maturity, and expand your horizons, your partner will stay stuck inside their comfort zone.

Before you know it, you’ve become two different people, and what’s more, their lack of progress is holding you back from fulfilling your potential to its maximum.

Moreover, someone who likes to stay exactly as they are may struggle to change their behavior to accommodate the needs of the relationship, which means that you’ll have to bring up the same issue over and over again with no real result.

6) They aren’t very empathetic

Another trait on our list has everything to do with empathy—or the lack thereof.

Here’s the deal: every relationship should be built upon a foundation of understanding.

If you don’t resonate with one another on a deep level, your relationship probably won’t last very long because your connection is pretty shallow to begin with.

The problem with people who aren’t super empathetic is that they might guess at how you feel and they might even get it right, but they don’t *get* it.

This isn’t necessarily an issue if the person in question tries their best to be understanding and respectful of your feelings and needs.

If their behavior is very unempathetic too, however…

That’s when things begin to go wrong.

When you need reassurance, they tell you they need space.

When you confide in them about a problem you’re facing at work, they go straight to problem-solving mode. When you feel wounded by something they said or did, they tell you to stop overreacting.

Your feelings are not being validated, and as a result, you feel misunderstood and invisible.

You feel alone.

And if this develops into a pattern…

You might as well be single.

7) They view love as a noun rather than a verb

On a final note, a life spent with someone who thinks that love is a state of being rather than a set of continuous actions may be extremely stressful and unfulfilling.

And that’s because they eventually stop putting in effort.

This is where the real disintegration of a relationship truly begins: with little to no quality time, few gestures of affection, and a lack of interest in one another.

To love is to want to spend time with one’s partner. It’s to ask about their day, buy them their favorite snack on your way home from work, or plan a romantic date once in a while.

To love is to care.

Never settle for a partner who makes you feel uncared for, unwanted, or unloved.

I promise you that you *can* find someone who meets your needs and whose presence in your life fulfills you on a deep level.

You just need to be brave enough to let go of what doesn’t serve you and carve out enough space for better things to come in.