I have a soft spot for conversations that actually go somewhere.

The kind where both people walk away thinking, I felt seen.

Yet I know how often the opposite happens: You share something important and the other person gets it wrong or they react in a way that makes you think, “Did I speak another language?”

If that sounds familiar, take heart.

Feeling misunderstood is common, and in my experience it is rarely because the world is full of poor listeners.

More often, we fall into habits that quietly garble our message.

Let me walk you through seven signs that might be getting in your way, and how to fix them:

1) You hint instead of saying what you mean

Ever catch yourself dropping clues and hoping the other person connects the dots? I spent a good chunk of my office years doing this.

I would sigh, say I was “fine,” and then feel slighted when a colleague took my words at face value.

Psychologists call it indirect communication.

We assume the other person shares our context, our stress level, our assumptions; however, people cannot act on what they do not know.

Clear beats clever every time.

Directness is merciful and i gives the other person a fair chance to meet you where you are.

2) You expect mind reading, then resent when it does not happen

This one pairs with the first but deserves its own spotlight.

Expecting people to know our needs without us saying them is a recipe for friction.

In psychology there is a thinking error known as the “illusion of transparency.”

We believe our feelings are more obvious than they are; we think our disappointment shows on our face or that our silence speaks volumes.

It usually does not, and I learned this the hard way with my grandkids.

I assumed they would “get” that Grandpa needed ten minutes of quiet after we came back from the park.

They did not get it as they are children and the world is fun.

When I finally said, “Give me ten minutes to sit and I will build the blocks with you after,” the problem vanished.

Before your next conversation, ask yourself: What am I hoping they magically understand?

People appreciate clarity as it shows trust.

3) You listen to respond, not to understand

This is a classic, and I still slip.

Someone is talking and my mind is already drafting a rebuttal, a story, a solution.

Active listening sounds like a soft skill, but it is a power tool.

It lowers the other person’s guard and gives you accurate data to work with.

Be genuinely interested, ask questions, and reflect back what you heard in simple language.

“So you felt left out at the meeting when the decision was made without you. Is that right?”

People relax when they feel understood, and once they relax, they can hear you.

A practical trick: Count to three before you speak.

Those three seconds make space for the other person to finish their thought, and they interrupt your impulse to jump in.

I used to teach this to new managers, and the change it produced in their teams was remarkable.

4) You get defensive at the first sign of friction

If every disagreement feels like an attack, communication becomes a battlefield.

I spent years with a defensive reflex so fast it would beat a hummingbird.

Underneath that reflex is often a fear of shame.

We hear, “You missed a detail,” and our brain translates it to, “You are careless.”

We react to that story, not the words.

Psychology has a helpful idea called reappraisal: You pause and give a new meaning to what you heard.

Instead of “They are insulting me,” try “They are giving me information about how my action affected them.”

It is not about swallowing every criticism; it is about buying yourself a few seconds of calm to choose your response.

When you feel your shoulders tighten, name that defensiveness to yourself.

Breathe once, then ask a clarifying question.

“Can you give me a specific example?”

You shift from wounded to curious, and you also learn whether the feedback is concrete, which you can use, or a vague swipe, which you can set aside.

5) You personalize neutral events and tone

Ever receive a short text and immediately think, “They must be mad at me?”

We make ourselves the main character of events that have nothing to do with us.

A curt email might be the result of a busy day, not a secret grudge, or a friend reschedules lunch and we decide they do not value us, instead of considering that their child might have a fever.

This habit runs on what psychologists call negativity bias.

Our brains are sticky for threat.

It kept our ancestors alive, but it can wreck a weekday.

The antidote is grounded interpretation.

When you feel the pull to personalize, test three explanations: One that blames you, one that blames them, and one that is neutral.

You do not have to pick the rosiest story because all you have to do is pick the most reasonable.

Nine times out of ten, you will get relief and better context.

6) Your boundaries are fuzzy, so your signals are mixed

Misunderstanding thrives in the fog between yes and no.

If you say yes when you want to say no, people learn to ignore your words and follow your patterns.

If you overcommit, then flake, others will label you unreliable, even if your heart is good.

Healthy boundaries are clear, consistent, and kind.

You are allowed to say no without a court brief of excuses, and you are allowed to negotiate.

The more you practice this, the more your life stops sending mixed messages.

Say no to something trivial once a day, decline an extra topping you do not want, and learn to say, “I will pass,” when a colleague adds one more item to your already full plate.

The goal is to make your limits visible so people can relate to you without tripping over invisible lines.

7) Your tone and body language do not match your words

You can say the perfect sentence, but if your tone and posture contradict it, people will believe your non-verbals.

We are wired to read cues.

If I tell my granddaughter, “I am listening,” while I glance at my phone, she will not feel heard; if I say, “I am not upset,” while my jaw is clenched, my wife will not buy it.

Fair enough! This mismatch often happens when we rush, when we are tired, or when we are trying to hide how we feel.

The fix is to bring your body back into honesty.

Put the phone down, uncross your arms, soften your shoulders, and align your tone with your intention.

Parting thoughts

If you take nothing else, take this: being understood starts with making yourself understandable.

It is less about perfect words and more about honest ones, spoken by a body and a tone that match.

The world may not change overnight, but your conversations can.

Which of the seven signs will you work on this week?