There’s a subtle art to maintaining healthy relationships, especially with your adult kids.

Finding the equilibrium between being their best friend and parent isn’t always straightforward.

Sometimes, a disparity in communication levels could inevitably hint you might be getting it wrong, oftentimes subtly.

Psychologists are a great source of wisdom in situations like these.

They suggest there might be seven subtle things unknowingly done in one’s interaction that could turn your adult children off from calling.

This article is an eye-opener, a short, sweet analysis of common pitfalls you might stumble upon, and solutions to breakthrough communication blockades.

Cutting through complexities of relationships, offering you simple language nuggets, we hope to help decode and perhaps rectify your communication – one casual conversation at a time.

After all, understanding is the first key to acceptance and change.

1) Expectations vs reality

Ah, the world of expectations versus reality.

This chasm, psychologists believe, is a crucial factor affecting your relationship with your adult children.

When things aren’t going as expected, when calls aren’t as frequent as you’d like, it’s time to check the mirror and reflect upon what you might be doing to affect this relationship.

Ever wonder if your expectations are placing unnecessary stress on your adult kids?

As renowned psychologist Alfred Adler once said, “It is easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.”

Navigating the tightrope between being a friend and a parent to your adult child creates a delicate balance of expectations.

Avoid assuming they understand your intentions, that they recognize your expectations.

And while you’re at it, ask yourself if these expectations are adding any unnecessary pressure to the relationship.

Just like the concept of social proof in marketing, our decisions can be heavily influenced by those around us.

Being aware of these influences can avoid the pitfalls of unintentional manipulation.

Open communication is most effective when it’s a two-way street.

It all starts with understanding, accepting change, and setting reasonable expectations.

Sometimes, stepping back, and allowing them to lead their life while you give the necessary space can also make a positive difference. By the end of the day, a resolution can be a call away.

2) Listen, really listen

Can I share something with you? Like many parents, my world revolves around my kids.

One evening, my adult daughter gave me some very sincere feedback over a cup of tea.

She told me that I often ended up offering advice when all she wanted from me was to listen.

Being a problem solver, I would jump in at the slightest hint of distress in her tone.

But that wasn’t what she needed. She needed a listening ear. This simple yet profound conversation changed the way I interacted with her.

Famous psychologist Carl Rogers said, “When someone really hears you without passing judgement on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good!”

And it’s true, it’s so crucial to really listen and validate their thoughts and feelings.

Understanding her perspective simplified our relationship. The next time you’re talking to your adult child, become an active listener.

Wait for them to finish, process what they said, and respond.

Don’t rush into fixing things all the time. It’s surprising how effective this approach can be in building trust and opening the lines of communication.

3) Understanding their space

Do you remember the teenage years when your child craved for their personal space and independence? In their adulthood, the situation isn’t that different.

The raw truth is that, just like you, your adult kids have their own lives: their careers, partners, friends, and a world that sometimes might not involve you.

Recognizing and respecting this fact can make it easier for them to connect with you freely, without any feelings of guilt, pressure, or obligation.

As iconic psychologist Erik Erikson said, “Life doesn’t make any sense without interdependence. We need each other, and the sooner we learn that, the better for us all.”

Interdependence and mutual respect for each other’s spaces can foster a healthy relationship.

Redefine your interaction norms, understand their lifestyle and space. Doing so would help in nurturing an open and loving bond with your adult children where they’d feel more inclined towards reaching out.

Their inability to meet your expectations of frequent calls doesn’t indicate a lack of love; it might just be their need for space.

4) Nurturing emotional dependence

Cultivating a space free from emotional dependence and manipulation is vital to fortifying relationships with your adult children.

A study in the Journal of Adolescence found that adolescents who experience high levels of psychological control tend to struggle with forming intimate relationships and maintaining psychological wellbeing in adulthood.

Apply this understanding to your relationship with your adult children.

If their dependency on you was high during adolescence, it may carry into their adulthood.

Watching your children grapple with life’s tests is challenging, but they need to learn to navigate on their own.

Letting go isn’t easy, but being a safety net rather than a puppeteer can elevate your connection to a different level.

Create an environment where they feel confident reaching out to openly discuss their life, mistakes and successes, rather than conversing out of emotional dependence.

Doing so will help your adult children view you as a supportive guide, not just as an authority figure in their lives.

5) Respect their choices

Just last week, my adult son introduced me to his partner, who is significantly older than him. It took me by surprise, sure, but it was his choice.

In my parenting journey, I’ve found that respecting my adult children’s decisions is pivotal in nurturing our relationship.

It doesn’t mean I have to agree with all their choices, but it does mean acknowledging that they are capable of making their decisions and standing by them.

Renowned psychologist and founder of person-centered therapy, Carl Rogers, once stated, “The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”

And that’s what we need as parents too. We need to learn and change with our growing children.

Accepting and respecting your adult children’s choices reflects your trust in them. It may not always be easy, especially if their choices don’t align with yours.

But remember, it’s their life. Just be there to love and support them unconditionally.

You’ll be amazed how these gestures of respect could encourage more frequent and engaging conversations.

6) Letting silence speak

Counterintuitive as it may seem, sometimes it’s the things left unsaid that speak the loudest.

Silence, in the right doses, can be a powerful tool for enhancing communication.

Resisting the urge to fill every silence during a conversation can actually fuel better interaction.

It allows room for your adult child to process their thoughts and express their feelings more comfortably.

World-renowned psychologist Albert Mehrabian identified that as much as 93% of our communication is non-verbal.

That puts heavy importance on what isn’t being spoken.

Silence affirms your patient, listening presence. It spans beyond words that can be comforting to your adult child, who might not require advice or guidance but simply a patient listener.

So the next time you sit over coffee with your son or daughter, allow moments of silence.

It reflects your willingness to wait for their words, ensuring them you’re there, hearing them out.

Create a safe space free from judgment or interruption, and you might notice your child gradually opening up.

7) The gift of unconditional love

Above all else, the most powerful tool in your parenting arsenal is the very essence of your role—unconditional love.

Famed psychologist Abraham Maslow highlighted that love is a fundamental human need.

As parents of adult children, practicing unconditional love is key, not by mere words but through understanding, supporting and accepting their paths.

Express it consistently.

Create a safety net of love that reassures them that no matter what they do or who they become, your love for them will always be steadfast.

Communicating this effectively is sure to bridge any communication gap that might exist.

Final reflections

Navigating through parenthood, particularly with grown-up kids, is as challenging as it’s rewarding.

The frequency of their calls is but a minuscule facet of the larger relationship you share with them.

As we tread this journey, we realize it is strewn with subtle cues, shifting dynamics, and evolving emotions.

But intrinsic to each of these instances is the opportunity to grow, to understand better, and most significantly, to uphold the essence of unconditional love.

Remember these are subtle shifts, changes that come from within, and are reflected in how we relate to our adult children.

No drastic measures, no dramatic confrontations, but simple humble modifications.

Keep these points in mind as you navigate your relationship with your adult children.

Take a step back, reflect and practice the art of understanding and communication.

Because at the end of the day, it’s all about that heartfelt connection that makes family… well, family.