Before becoming a therapist six years ago, I was often told that I was an “emotional sponge.” I had a knack for understanding and absorbing other people’s feelings, making me the go-to person among my friends for advice and emotional support. 

In my professional role, my empathy served me well. My patients appreciated my capacity to listen, to truly hear them, and to respond with compassion and warmth. It felt like second nature to me, and I truly believed I understood what they were going through.

One day, a close friend of mine shared a deeply personal struggle with me. He was facing a crushing loss and was consumed by grief. As always, I responded with my typical empathetic demeanor. I listened, I nodded, I offered words of comfort and advice.

But then, he surprised me by suggesting that maybe I didn’t really understand what he was going through.

His comment stung. After all, wasn’t empathy my forte? Wasn’t understanding emotions my job? But then, life threw me my own curveball — an experience that mirrored his pain almost exactly. Suddenly, I found myself on the receiving end of my own advice – an experience that was both enlightening and humbling.

It was in that moment that I truly understood the difference between saying the right words of empathy and genuinely feeling the pain of another person. This revelation has not only changed how I view empathy but also how I practice it in both my personal life and professional role.

The journey of understanding this distinction has been a roller coaster ride of emotions and self-realizations. Here’s what it’s been like navigating this new perspective on empathy over the past year.

Experiencing my own advice

The day I received the news that would shatter my world, my first instinct was to fall back on my own advice. The words I’d offered so many times to others echoed in my head. “Take it one day at a time,” I told myself, “Allow yourself to feel the pain, don’t resist it.”

But as days turned into weeks and then into months, I found that those words, while comforting for a moment, did little to ease the raw pain that gnawed at my heart. I realized how hollow and empty they sounded when one is truly in the depths of despair.

I found myself questioning everything I thought I knew about empathy. If I, with my professional training and personal knack for empathy, struggled with this, what did it mean for the people I tried to help?

This experience flipped my understanding of empathy on its head. It was no longer just about understanding someone else’s feelings; it required walking in their shoes.

But this was not the common belief. Most people think that empathy is all about saying the right words or offering a sympathetic ear. This is where I see things differently now.  

The common misconception about empathy

The general understanding of empathy is often limited to the ability to say comforting words or lend a sympathetic ear. We think that if we can understand someone else’s feelings, we are being empathetic. But my experience taught me that this is a misconception.

When I was in the throes of my own grief, I realized that understanding someone else’s feelings and experiencing them are two vastly different things. It became clear to me that genuine empathy is not about saying the right things; it’s about feeling the right things.

This revelation was a game-changer. It made me realize that what I had been practicing, and what many others practice, was sympathy, not empathy. We confuse the two because they seem similar on the surface, but they are fundamentally different.

Sympathy is feeling compassion for someone else’s hardship, while empathy is sharing their emotional experience. The difference may seem subtle, but it has profound implications on how we connect with others and offer support.

This new understanding of empathy has challenged me to rethink my approach.  

Practicing genuine empathy

After my wake-up call, I decided to approach empathy differently. Instead of offering comforting words, I started to allow myself to really feel the emotions of the person I was empathizing with. This was a significant change for me, both personally and professionally.

In conversations, I began to focus less on what I could say and more on what I could feel. Practically speaking, this meant taking a moment to pause, to allow the other person’s feelings to sink in before responding.

This shift was not easy. It required letting go of the need to ‘fix’ or ‘solve’ someone else’s problems, something we are often conditioned to do. Instead, I practiced being present, being with their emotions, sharing their pain or joy or confusion.

To my surprise, this small change had a profound impact. My interactions became more authentic and meaningful. People appreciated my presence more than my advice. And most importantly, I felt that I was offering something real rather than just words.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, where your understanding of empathy feels hollow or insufficient, consider this approach. Allow yourself to truly feel the emotions of the person you’re empathizing with.

It might be uncomfortable at first, but it could also lead to more genuine and impactful connections.

Stepping back for a broader perspective

In navigating my own journey of understanding empathy, I’ve found it helpful to take a step back and look at my situation from a wider lens. It’s not just about empathy; it’s about taking responsibility for how I interact with others and the world around me.

I realized that much of my early understanding of empathy was shaped by societal expectations. I was taught that empathy was about saying the right things, offering a comforting shoulder, and providing advice.

But in reality, when I allowed myself to truly feel with others, I discovered a more genuine form of empathy.

Here are the key insights that have transformed my perspective:

• Acknowledging the dissatisfaction with my previous understanding of empathy.
•  Recognizing the reality of my situation, rather than masking it with blind positivity.
•  Identifying societal conditioning and external influences that shaped my initial beliefs.
• Choosing to pursue an authentic form of empathy, aligned with my true nature.
• Empowering myself by breaking free from societal expectations about what empathy should look like.

This self-reflective journey has been more than just about enhancing empathy. It’s been about reshaping my reality, questioning societal norms, and aligning my actions with my true self.