It’s no secret that women have it tough in this world. Not only are they picked apart and criticized more than men, but they’re also held up to certain beauty standards that are downright unrealistic. 

All of that pressure can do a real number on a woman’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem. That’s not even counting the effects of other factors like less-than-ideal childhood experiences or failed relationships. 

The problem is, low self-esteem can seep into our love lives, often without us even realizing it. It affects our decisions and reactions and leads us to settle for less than we deserve. 

That’s why today, I’d like to discuss how exactly that happens. Here are 11 mistakes women make in relationships when they have low self-esteem: 

1) They get clingy and overly jealous

Believe me, it’s rare to find a woman who sets out to be clingy. No one wants to be an annoying girlfriend or wife!

But often, what starts as a desire for closeness can spiral into clinginess due to underlying low self-esteem. 

When a woman feels insecure about herself, she may subconsciously fear that her partner will leave her for someone “better.” 

This fear can manifest in behaviors like: 

• Constantly texting, calling, or being in touch with their partner throughout the day, then getting anxious or upset if the partner doesn’t respond immediately
• Monitoring their partner’s social media activity and online interactions 
• Always wanting to be with their partner and finding it hard to cope when they’re apart
• Getting jealous and possessive even without a valid reason
• Abandoning their own interests to spend more time with their partner
• Seeking frequent reassurance about the partner’s feelings, commitment, and attraction 
• Pressuring their partner for a deeper commitment (like moving in together or marriage) prematurely, especially when the partner is not ready

Do women want to behave this way? Ugh, no! 

It’s just that low self-esteem is a beast to overcome. And if you’re not even aware of it and how it influences your reactions, it’s even harder to defeat. 

2) They constantly “test” their partner’s love for them

So, because low self-esteem typically requires the person to be validated, women struggling with it often have little “tests” to get that validation. 

For example, take the words “I’m fine.” Comically, this phrase has become something that strikes fear in men’s hearts because they never know what approach to take. 

Should they keep pushing for more answers? Should they take it at face value? 

 Woe to the man who chooses the latter. Because if he does, then he has failed a “test”!

I know, it doesn’t sound fair, does it? But that’s how it goes for women with low self-esteem. 

Other times, they’d ask hypothetical questions, play hard to get, or create scenarios to test their partner’s loyalty. 

The thing is, as annoying as these mind games are, you have to understand that it doesn’t come from ill intentions. It’s just low self-esteem rearing its ugly head again.

3) They always compare themselves to others

“Do you think she’s prettier than me?”

“You would have been happier with someone like her, right?”

“You don’t need to lie, I know I’m not as smart/beautiful/funny as her…”

These are just a few examples of how women with low self-esteem measure themselves against others. 

Again, it’s about the need for validation. They need that reassurance that no, they are so much better than anyone else they hold up for comparison. 

4) They tolerate bad behavior

Another problem with low self-esteem is that it can lead to tolerance of crappy behavior. 

When you don’t see yourself as worthy of being treated well, then that means being treated badly feels acceptable. 

In this Forbes article, one of the reasons why people take unacceptable behavior is this – they don’t feel they have the internal power to stand up for themselves. 

Another reason is that they are afraid of what will happen if they do speak up.

That’s not surprising at all, considering that a sense of agency is a good predictor of a healthy self-esteem. 

5) They don’t set boundaries

What the above point shows is that women with low self-esteem do not set boundaries. When there’s no line to cross, then everything’s fair game. 

The Happiness Clinic emphasizes the direct connection between self-worth and setting boundaries. 

They further state, “Boundaries help establish your integrity, your individuality, and the respect you deserve from others.”

It’s an uphill battle for women with low self-esteem to do this, but they can begin with simply identifying their limits. What are they not comfortable with? 

The answers to this question could be the starting point for setting some life-changing (and life-preserving) boundaries. 

And consider this quote by author Paolo Coelho as well: “When you say ‘yes’ to others make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself.” 

6) They become dependent on their partner

Speaking of absent or blurred boundaries, what often happens in such relationships is that codependency develops. 

For example, in their desire to win approval, women with low self-esteem might take on the role of caretaker or giver and always put their partner’s needs above theirs. 

Conversely, they could be the taker. Because they may feel incapable of facing life’s challenges on their own, they become overly dependent on their partner for emotional support, decision-making, and affirmation. 

They may also manipulate situations or evoke guilt to ensure their partner continues to provide the support and attention they crave.

7) They apologize even for things that aren’t their fault

Not only do women with low self-esteem lack a sense of agency, they even take on the faults of others. 

I remember a friend of mine who had an overbearing partner. In one of their arguments, he got so angry that he punched the wall. And then he yelled, “Look what you made me do!”

My poor friend was beside herself and apologized over and over for making him angry, when the cause of the argument wasn’t even her fault. 

When she told me this story, I got so upset because…what was she even apologizing for?

What that showed me was that she thought so little of herself that she believed she was responsible for his actions, no matter how unreasonable they were. 

It’s a heartbreaking situation that many women with low self-esteem find themselves in – they often feel that if something goes wrong, it must somehow be their fault, even when it clearly isn’t.

8) They communicate poorly

Another mistake women with low self-esteem make in relationships is not communicating properly. 

Why? Well, because there’s the fear of rejection. 

So, instead of asking directly for what they want or expressing themselves clearly, they resort to roundabout ways. 

One study showed that people with low self-esteem tend to engage in indirect support-seeking behaviors, such as whining, sulking, or displaying sadness. 

(Unfortunately, the study also found that these behaviors tend to backfire and their partners end up reacting negatively instead.)

This goes back to those mind games we talked about earlier. And like I said, it’s not that they’re coming from a place of malicious intent. It’s just really hard to overcome that fear of rejection.

Which brings me to my next point…

9) They have a hard time being vulnerable

It’s hard to open up and bare yourself when you don’t think there’s much to be proud about. 

For women with low self-esteem, the risk is magnified – they believe that their partner would bolt the minute they reveal their deepest self. 

So they stay behind walls and try to put forth an image that they feel is more acceptable or lovable. 

The problem is, without vulnerability, there can be no real and deep connection. As Brene Brown says: 

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known.”

All of that to say, self-love is the catalyst for loving others. We can only love others as much as we love ourselves. 

So, with that in mind, if you struggle with self-love, you’re basically setting your relationship up for failure, too. 

Harsh truth, but there it is. 

10) They cheat on their partner

Another harsh truth – women with low self-esteem could also be prone to cheating on their partners. 

Why? Well, remember, that need for validation is strong. So anyone who expresses interest in them is going to be very, very tempting. 

They’re looking to feel better, and a new person who’s attracted to them can give them that. It’s a major confidence boost!

11) They sabotage their relationship

All of this comes down to one overall mistake women with low self-esteem make in relationships – self-sabotage. 

That’s right, these two negative forces go hand in hand. According to Exploring Your Mind, “You can’t really separate the two, as they’re both responding to a mindset that’s focused on failure, insecurity, and lack of self-esteem.”

Sabotaging their relationship can mean doing any of the mistakes on the list. Other times, it could simply be doing nothing. 

Because the bottom line is, women with low self-esteem have an internal script that goes something like, “This won’t last. Nothing good lasts anyway, at least not for me.”

And then because thoughts like that are allowed to run free, they become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Expecting the worst leads to unconscious actions that indeed push their partners away. 

Final thoughts

As you can see, low self-esteem can really lead to so many mistakes in one’s relationships. Basically, you’re operating from a place of fear and insecurity – and that never bodes well for creating strong and healthy connections. 

The first step to building self-esteem involves challenging negative beliefs about oneself. It requires unlearning all those negative messages that have messed with your self-perception. 

Above all, if you’re struggling with self-esteem, remember this: without even doing anything, you already have intrinsic worth. You already are deserving of love and respect. 

Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.