Navigating a relationship with a narcissist can feel like walking through a minefield.

This is because narcissists are well-versed in the art of manipulation; they play mind games to gain control in a relationship, all while concealing their real motives.

The tricky part?

Recognizing these mind games for what they are.

In this article, I’m going to break down 10 common mind games narcissists play.

Because knowing is half the battle, right?

Understanding these tactics is your first step to regaining control and protecting yourself from their manipulative influence.

Buckle up, it’s going to be an enlightening ride.

1) Gaslighting

One of the most common and damaging strategies narcissists use to gain control is gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation tactic, where the perpetrator sows seeds of doubt in the victim’s mind, making them question their own memory, perception, or sanity.

Picture this. Your partner insists you agreed to something you don’t remember, or denies they said something you clearly remember them saying.

You’re left confused and doubting your own recollections.

Narcissists use gaslighting to disorient and control their partners.

It’s a way of rewriting history in their favor and destabilizing your trust in your own experiences.

The more you doubt yourself, the more reliant you become on them for what’s ‘real’.

2) Love bombing

Believe it or not, I’ve been there.

Overwhelmed by the intensity of affection and attention from a new partner.

This is called ‘love bombing’, and it’s another common tactic narcissists use to gain control.

Love bombing is an attempt to influence a person by lavish demonstrations of attention and affection.

It’s all roses and sunshine in the beginning.

They make you feel special, like you’re the center of their world.

In my case, I was showered with compliments, gifts, and affection right out the gate.

It felt amazing – at first. But soon, it started to feel suffocating.

Here’s the catch – love bombing isn’t about love. It’s about control.

The narcissist uses this overwhelming positive attention to rush intimacy and create dependency.

You get so caught up in their world that you lose sight of your own.

Recognizing love bombing for what it is can help you set healthy boundaries early on.

Slow and steady wins the race in any relationship.

So, if it feels like too much too soon, it probably is.

3) The silent treatment

The silent treatment is a common tactic narcissists use to exert control and inflict emotional distress.

It’s a form of passive-aggressive behavior where they intentionally ignore you or withhold communication to punish you.

In a healthy relationship, people might need time to cool off after an argument, but they’ll generally communicate their need for space and ensure it’s for a limited period.

Narcissists, however, use silence as a weapon.

When you’re on the receiving end of the silent treatment, it can feel isolating and confusing.

You might find yourself repeatedly apologizing or desperately trying to re-establish communication, which gives the narcissist the upper hand.

4) Triangulation

Triangulation is a manipulative strategy where a narcissist brings a third person into their dynamic with you.

This can be an ex-partner, a friend, or even a family member. The aim is to provoke jealousy, create insecurity, and keep you on your toes.

In practice, a narcissist might excessively talk about how wonderful their ex was, or how much a friend admires them. 

You may find yourself constantly comparing yourself to this third party or feeling like you need to compete for your partner’s affection.

This is an unhealthy and damaging dynamic designed to tip the scales of power in favor of the narcissist.

5) Playing the victim

Narcissists are adept at playing the victim.

When confronted with their behavior, they’ll often twist the narrative to portray themselves as the misunderstood or mistreated party.

They may use emotional guilt trips, cry, or accuse you of being the real culprit.

This tactic serves to deflect accountability for their actions and keep you on the defensive.

It’s crucial to understand this game.

While empathy is important in any relationship, be wary of those who constantly portray themselves as victims while dismissing or minimizing your feelings.

A genuine apology involves taking responsibility, not shifting blame.

6) Devaluation

In the course of a relationship with a narcissist, there often comes a point where they start to devalue their partner.

This is a heartbreaking and damaging tactic used to erode your self-esteem and make you more dependent on their validation.

They may start subtly, with little digs about your appearance, your intelligence, or your worth.

Over time, these can escalate into blatant insults and cruel comments.

The goal is to make you feel small, unimportant, and unworthy.

This devaluation doesn’t center on you or your value.

Instead, it revolves around control.

The more they can make you doubt yourself, the more power they have over you.

7) Projection

Projection is when a person unconsciously transfers their own undesirable feelings or traits onto someone else.

For narcissists, this tactic serves a dual purpose – it allows them to offload their imperfections while simultaneously attacking you.

In a relationship with a narcissist, you might find yourself constantly accused of traits or behaviors that actually reflect them.

For example, a narcissist who is being unfaithful may accuse their partner of infidelity.

By understanding projection, you can learn not to internalize these unfounded accusations and recognize them for what they are – a deflection of the narcissist’s own shortcomings.

8) Moving the goalposts

One minute, they’re happy with something, the next minute they’re not.

You may be working hard to meet a certain standard or fulfill a certain request, only to find that once you achieve it, the standard or request changes.

This tactic keeps you in a constant state of uncertainty and insecurity.

You’re always trying to please them, always falling short, and thus, always under their control.

9) Hoovering

Arguably the most critical manipulation tactic to understand is ‘hoovering’.

It refers to the narcissist’s attempts to suck you back into the relationship after a period of separation or conflict.

They might use sentimental reminders, promises of change, or even threats and guilt-tripping to pull you back in.

It’s a manipulative way of reasserting their control and preventing you from moving on.

But actions speak louder than words.

Don’t let promises of change sway you unless they’re backed by consistent actions over time.

You have the power to resist their pull and choose what’s best for you.

10) Smear campaigns

The most damaging game a narcissist can play is launching a smear campaign.

This is when they spread false rumors or exaggerations about you to friends, family, or anyone who will listen.

Their aim is to damage your reputation and isolate you from your support network.

Facing a smear campaign can be incredibly hurtful and isolating, but keep in mind this: people who truly know and care about you won’t easily believe such falsehoods.

And those who do, aren’t worth your energy.

The most powerful defense against a smear campaign is to live your truth.

Continue being the person you are, maintaining your integrity and kindness.

In the end, truth has a way of revealing itself.

Final thoughts: It’s about power, not love

Narcissism and the games involved have been a subject of study in psychology for decades.

At the core of this complex personality disorder is an insatiable appetite for power and control.

These games are not manifestations of love, but rather, tactical maneuvers to maintain dominance.

They are designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel dependent on the narcissist.

If you find yourself in a relationship where these games are prevalent, remember, it’s not about you.

Your worth is not up for debate, and you’re not responsible for someone else’s manipulative behavior.

Knowledge is power.

By understanding these games, you can protect yourself and make informed decisions about your relationship.

It’s never easy to face these realities, but in the end, your mental health and well-being are paramount.

Everyone deserves respect and love that doesn’t come with ulterior motives or power plays.

Seek help if you need it, and stay strong in your journey towards healthier relationships.