Growing up, many of us longed for our father’s validation.

It’s a powerful thing, that nod of approval, that pat on the back, that “I’m proud of you, son.”

But what happens when it’s missing? When your dad’s validation is as elusive as a mirage in a desert?

Well, according to psychological studies, men who were rarely validated by their fathers during their childhood usually develop certain distinctive traits later in life.

And it’s not all negative. Sometimes, it can make you stronger, more independent, and even more empathetic.

In this article, I’m going to share with you these 9 traits. Traits that may resonate with you or someone you know, and hopefully provide a sense of understanding or even comfort.

1) They often seek external validation

When the validation you crave doesn’t come from home, where do you seek it?

Well, according to studies, men who were rarely validated by their fathers often look for it elsewhere as they grow older. They may engage in approval-seeking behaviors.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It can drive them to excel in their careers, hobbies, or relationships, as they strive to prove their worth through their achievements.

But the flip side can be a constant need for approval from others. A need that can sometimes overshadow their own personal satisfaction or happiness.

The key here is balance.

Success and achievements are important, yes. But so is self-validation.

It’s about finding that sweet spot where you’re proud of your accomplishments because they matter to you. Not just because they might impress someone else.

Understanding this trait can help in realizing that self-worth should come from within and not be solely dependent on external validation.

2) They may develop a high level of resilience

Here’s something interesting.

Resilience is a term psychologists often use to describe the ability to bounce back from adversity, stress, or any form of negative life events.

And guess what?

Men who missed out on paternal validation in their formative years often develop a high level of this trait.

Why, you ask?

Well, they’ve had to face challenges early on in life. They’ve had to stand on their own two feet, make sense of their feelings, and navigate their world without that guiding hand.

This early exposure to emotional adversity often shapes them into individuals who are more resilient in the face of challenges.

They learn to adapt, persist, and overcome. It’s like they’ve been through the fire and come out stronger on the other side.

And although it’s borne out of a tough experience, resilience is indeed a powerful trait to have. It equips individuals with the ability to handle whatever life throws at them with grace and determination.

3) They might struggle with vulnerability

While resilience can be a positive trait, it’s not without its downsides.

One of these is the struggle with vulnerability.

Think about it. These men have been conditioned from a young age to stand strong, to cope with their emotions independently, to not show weakness.

This can lead to an instinctive aversion to appearing vulnerable. They might find it hard to open up about their feelings, fears, or insecurities. Even to those they are closest to.

There’s a common misconception that vulnerability is a sign of weakness, but in reality, it’s quite the opposite.

Vulnerability requires courage. It’s about allowing oneself to be seen fully, flaws and all. It’s about emotional honesty and deep connection – things that enrich our relationships and personal growth.

So while resilience is a strength, it’s equally important to embrace vulnerability. To understand that it’s okay to lean on others and share our innermost feelings and fears.

After all, we’re human, and vulnerability is part of our shared human experience.

4) They may overcompensate in their roles as fathers

Have you ever tried to fill a void from your past in your present life?

Men who lacked validation from their fathers often feel a deep-seated need to ensure their own children don’t go through the same experience.

They might go overboard in their efforts to provide validation, support, and encouragement. This could mean:

• Constantly praising their children
• Being overly involved in their lives
• Setting unrealistically high standards for themselves as fathers

While their intentions are good, this overcompensation can sometimes create pressure and unrealistic expectations.

The desire to be the ‘perfect’ father can lead to burnout and stress. And the constant praise may inadvertently rob their children of the opportunity to develop resilience and self-validation.

It’s a delicate balance to strike – providing enough validation to foster self-esteem and confidence, but not so much that it becomes overwhelming or stifling.

5) They might exhibit a strong sense of independence

Growing up without paternal validation often means learning to rely on oneself from an early age.

This early independence can shape these men into self-reliant individuals. They might:

• Prefer to handle things on their own
• Find it difficult to ask for help
• Place great value on their autonomy

While this independence can be empowering, it can also create a barrier in forming deep connections with others.

It’s important to understand that needing others doesn’t make you weak. We’re social creatures, after all. Building strong, supportive relationships is a crucial part of our wellbeing.

So, while embracing that independence, it’s equally important to let others in and share the load when needed. It’s not just about giving, but also receiving.

6) They often possess a heightened sensitivity to criticism

Have you ever flinched at criticism, no matter how constructive it was intended to be?

That could very well be an effect of your upbringing, if you didn’t exactly receive the validation you needed from your father. 

Basically, it comes down to an ingrained fear of not being good enough. So, every piece of criticism, however well-meaning, feels like a confirmation of this fear.

But here’s the thing. We all make mistakes. We’re all fallible. And that’s okay.

Constructive criticism can be a powerful tool for growth if we choose to see it that way. It can help us identify our blind spots and improve ourselves.

So let’s not let our past shape our present in a way that hinders our growth. Let’s take that criticism, learn from it, and use it to evolve into the best version of ourselves. 

7) They can display a tendency to be overly self-critical

Speaking of criticism, imagine standing in front of a mirror, pointing out every flaw, every imperfection. How would that make you feel?

Excessive self-criticism is another issue that many men who didn’t receive much validation from their fathers often struggle with.

It’s like they’ve internalized that lack of affirmation and turned it into a voice that constantly scrutinizes and doubts their abilities.

How often do you find yourself beating yourself up over mistakes? Do you have a harsh inner critic that never seems to let up?

This self-critical trait, while it can drive one towards betterment, can also lead to issues like low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression if left unchecked.

It’s essential to cultivate self-compassion and kindness towards oneself. To understand that everyone has flaws and makes mistakes. 

We should strive for growth and improvement, yes. But it should never come at the cost of our mental well-being.

So go ahead, give yourself the kindness and understanding you would give to a dear friend. You deserve it.

8) They may struggle with assertiveness

I remember a friend of mine, John. Growing up, his father was distant and rarely validated him.

As an adult, John often struggled to assert himself. He found it difficult to express his needs or stand up for his rights, fearing it might upset others or make him appear selfish.

This is not uncommon for men who’ve had similar childhood experiences. The lack of paternal validation can sometimes lead to struggles with assertiveness in adulthood.

They might find it hard to say no, even when they want to. They might downplay their achievements or hesitate to voice their opinions.

This difficulty with assertiveness can affect various aspects of life – personal relationships, professional growth, even mental health.

But here’s the good news: assertiveness is a skill that can be learned. It’s about respectful communication and understanding that your needs and feelings are just as important as those of others.

With practice and self-awareness, one can learn to express themselves assertively, thereby enhancing their relationships and overall quality of life.

9) They often develop a heightened sense of empathy

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, men who weren’t frequently validated by their fathers often develop a heightened sense of empathy.

Their own experiences with emotional pain can make them more attuned to the feelings and needs of others. They might be more understanding, more compassionate, more sensitive to others’ emotions.

This empathy can be a powerful asset. It can enhance their relationships, make them exceptional leaders, and even drive them towards careers where they can help others.

But it’s also important to remember that empathy should be balanced with self-care. It’s equally crucial to be kind and understanding towards oneself.

This heightened sense of empathy is a testament to their resilience. It’s proof that even though they’ve had a rocky start, they’ve turned their experiences into something positive. 

What can we learn from all this?

The experiences we have in our early years shape us in ways more profound than we often realize.

For men who grew up without frequent validation from their fathers, it’s important to remember that you’re not alone. Many others share similar experiences and feelings.

And while it may have been a tough journey, it’s also shaped you into the person you are today.

Here are some key takeaways:

• It’s okay to seek validation, but remember that self-validation is equally important.
• Resilience is a strength, but so is vulnerability.
• Being self-critical can drive improvement, but self-compassion is vital too.
• While empathy is a beautiful trait, don’t forget to extend it towards yourself
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These insights can provide a sense of understanding and hopefully, some comfort. But more importantly, they can help pave the path for healing and personal growth.