Loyalty is a big deal in relationships, but some men find it really tough to stick with it.

According to psychology, these challenges often trace back to certain childhood experiences that shape how they deal with emotions and connections as adults.

Understanding what happens in those early years can give us a better picture of why some guys have trouble being loyal later on.

Let’s take a look at nine common childhood experiences that might explain why loyalty doesn’t come easily for some men.

1) Lack of stable role models

Every child needs a stable role model to guide them through life.

This is especially true when it comes to understanding loyalty – a concept that’s often more caught than taught.

In the context of a young boy’s life, the presence or absence of a consistent figure, who exemplifies loyalty in their relationships and commitments, can profoundly influence how he views and practices loyalty in his adult life.

Psychology stresses the importance of role models in our formative years.

They give us a blueprint for how we should behave in different situations, including how to maintain loyalty and manage relationships.

If a boy grows up without such a figure—or worse, with a figure who demonstrates disloyalty—he may struggle to hold onto commitments as he navigates his own relationships later in life.

It’s not an insurmountable challenge, but it does mean he’ll need to consciously learn and cultivate loyalty as an adult.

2) Absence of secure attachment

Psychologists often point to the concept of attachment as a key determinant of our adult relationships.

Attachment theory posits that the bonds formed between a child and their primary caregivers lay the groundwork for how that child will relate to others in the future.

In an ideal world, a child develops a ‘secure attachment’—a sense that they can depend on their caregiver for emotional support and protection.

This secure base empowers them to explore the world, knowing they have a safe place to return to.

As adults, these individuals tend to have healthier relationships marked by trust and loyalty.

However, not all children are fortunate enough to form secure attachments.

Whether due to inconsistency, neglect, or outright abuse, these children may develop what psychologists term ‘insecure attachment’ styles.

Men who had an insecure attachment as children may struggle with loyalty in their adult relationships.

They might fear commitment, anticipate betrayal, or experience difficulty trusting others.

As Brené Brown—a research professor who has spent her career studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy—once said: “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it.” 

3) Experiencing trauma or abuse

Traumatic experiences or abuse during childhood can have deep and lasting effects on a person’s ability to form and maintain loyal relationships.

Such experiences can create a deep-seated fear of betrayal or abandonment, making it challenging for these individuals to trust others and commit to relationships.

Abuse or trauma can manifest in various forms – physical, emotional, or psychological – and may come from different sources, such as family members, peers, or authority figures.

Regardless of its nature, such experiences can warp a child’s understanding of loyalty and trust, driving them to protect themselves by avoiding deep connections or commitments.

For those who resonate with this struggle, I invite you to watch my video where I explore the psychological reason why breakups hurt so much, and why understanding this psychological reason can help you to move on faster with more dignity and personal power:

In it, I delve into how our past experiences, particularly those involving loss or betrayal, can magnify the pain of breakups in our adult lives. 

If you find value in this content and wish to join a community of over 32,000 others exploring a life of greater purpose and freedom, consider subscribing to my YouTube channel.

4) Growing up in a competitive environment

Competition is a driving force in many aspects of our society, from education and sports to careers and even relationships.

While healthy competition can foster growth and resilience, growing up in an excessively competitive environment can have lasting impacts on a person’s capacity for loyalty and commitment.

In such environments, loyalty can become conflated with winning or losing, leading to a transactional view of relationships.

This can lead to struggles with loyalty in adulthood, as individuals may find it challenging to maintain commitments when they are not immediately beneficial or when they present obstacles.

More so, being raised in a highly competitive environment can foster a scarcity mindset – the belief that resources are limited and one must constantly compete to secure their share.

This mindset can impede the development of loyal relationships, which thrive on cooperation, mutual support, and an abundance mindset.

5) Being raised in an environment devoid of emotional expression

Emotional expression is a critical aspect of forming and maintaining relationships.

It builds trust, fosters empathy, and is key to resolving conflicts and maintaining loyalty.

However, not all children are raised in environments that encourage emotional expression.

In some families or cultures, emotions may be seen as a sign of weakness or something to be suppressed.

Boys, in particular, are often taught to hide their emotions under the guise of appearing strong or masculine.

Growing up in such an environment can lead to struggles with loyalty in adulthood.

An inability to express one’s emotions can make it challenging to build deep connections with others or to navigate the normal ups and downs of relationships.

It can also lead to a lack of self-awareness, making it difficult to understand and manage one’s own emotional responses.

Unlearning these patterns and cultivating emotional awareness is a challenging yet empowering journey.

It’s about recognizing that our emotions are not weaknesses but powerful tools for understanding ourselves and connecting with others.

For those who connect with this struggle, I invite you to watch my video on the imposter syndrome:

In this video, I discuss how embracing feeling like an ‘imposter’ can drive a more profound exploration of personal capabilities, including the ability to express our emotions authentically.

This approach encourages individuals to embrace their vulnerabilities and foster authentic growth and empowerment – key elements in building loyal relationships.

6) Experiencing too much stability

While instability during childhood can certainly impact a person’s ability to form loyal relationships, an overly stable environment can also present challenges.

This might seem paradoxical, but let’s delve deeper.

When a child grows up in an environment where everything is predictable and there’s little room for change or challenge, they may not develop the resilience and adaptability needed to navigate the complexities of adult relationships.

Loyalty, after all, is often tested in times of change and difficulty.

If a man has never experienced significant challenges or changes, he may find it difficult to maintain loyalty when faced with obstacles.

He might be more inclined to avoid or escape challenging situations rather than face them head-on and work through them.

7) Living in a high conflict environment

Conflict is an inevitable part of life, and how we witness and manage conflict during our formative years can significantly influence our adult relationships.

For boys growing up in high conflict environments, loyalty can become a confusing and elusive concept.

High conflict environments can be those where arguments and disagreements are frequent, intense, and unresolved.

In such environments, the concept of loyalty may be tied to taking sides or used as a weapon of manipulation.

This skewed understanding can lead to struggles with loyalty in adulthood, where men might find it challenging to navigate disagreements or conflicts within their relationships.

However, recognizing this connection between high conflict environments and struggles with loyalty can serve as a catalyst for personal growth.

It’s about learning to view conflicts from a different perspective – not as threats or win-lose situations, but as opportunities for deeper understanding, empathy, and connection. 

8) Exposure to conditional love

The concept of love is first introduced to us during our childhood years, primarily through our interactions with our primary caregivers.

If a child experiences conditional love – love that is dependent on meeting certain conditions or expectations – they may grow up equating love (and by extension, loyalty) with performance.

In such cases, men may struggle with loyalty in adult relationships because they fear that any failure or shortcoming might result in the withdrawal of love.

This fear can lead to avoidant behaviors, inability to commit, or excessive people-pleasing tendencies.

If you found these insights valuable and want to join a community exploring a life of greater purpose and freedom, consider subscribing to my YouTube channel.