Some men can’t stand the thought of being trapped.

And to them, the idea of committing to a relationship can absolutely make them feel like they are trapped.

That doesn’t mean they are incapable of love, or that they don’t want to be in a relationship with the person they are with. It just means that they value freedom and are afraid of losing it if they get too serious with someone else.

Confession time: I was once one of these men. I’m married now, but I dated the woman I married for more than six years before we even moved in together.

And when I reflect back on why I was so reluctant to commit to a woman I definitely love, I see the roots of my unwillingness to commit in some experiences I had in childhood.

So let’s take a look at how a man’s childhood can shape his ability and willingness to commit.

Because when you know why you behave a certain way, you create the possibility to change it.

1) Parental separation 

Like it or not, our parents set the early model for our future relationships. Children notice how their parents interact with each other, and it can have a lifelong effect on the way they perceive romance and relationships.

When parents separate or divorce, it’s not surprising that can have a massive effect on their children. And the effect can stay with those kids even long after they grow up.

My parents had a very ugly divorce. At an impressionable age, I watched two people who were supposed to love each other suddenly hate each other.

And it wasn’t a temporary thing, either. They never became friends with each other. Once they separated, they never spoke again, and never will.

It’s not hard to see why this would make a child doubt that love really exists.

Unfortunately, the lessons we learned as children tend to stay with us for a long time. As an adult, I was extremely cynical about love. So for years, I avoided committing in any of my relationships, afraid that if I did, I would only be hurt when it ended.

2) Witnessing conflict between parents

My parents almost never fought. (Maybe it would’ve helped if they did!)

But some couples are intensely volatile, and conflict may be the main way they communicate with each other.

Just like divorce and separation, this can have a very damaging effect on children who witness it.

“Conflicts between parents, even when they don’t involve the children, can be upsetting for kids. Witnessing or becoming involved in conflicts between parents is associated with poorer mental health, increased stress, behavior problems, and poorer school functioning for both children and adolescents,” according to this article by psychology professor Meredith J Martin.

But it’s not just their childhood that is affected.

As a boy grows into a man, he carries that model of relationships with him.

If the example his parents gave him of a committed relationship was one of endless conflict, arguments, screaming, or even violence, it makes sense that he would be reluctant to get into that kind of relationship himself.

3) Lack of stable attachments 

Some of the most important lessons we need in life are learned in childhood.

At least, they’re supposed to be.

But if a child grows up without stable attachments, it makes it very hard for them to ever learn how to form healthy relationships with others.

What do I mean by stable attachments? I’ll let a psychologist explain:

“Attachment theory is a lifespan model of human development emphasizing the central role of caregivers (attachment figures) who provide a sense of safety and security,” writes psychologist Saul MacLeod.

“The initial and perhaps most crucial emotional bond forms between infants and their primary caregivers.”

Good parents are there for their children. By providing a stable and safe environment, they help children feel secure, cared for, and loved.

But not everyone is that lucky. Some people grow up with neglectful, disinterested, or abusive parents, and so they never form stable attachments.

This often comes back to haunt them in later life. Often, men who grew up in unstable homes have real trouble trusting anyone, which makes it impossible to commit to a relationship.

4) Early trauma or loss

The same is true of early trauma.

Losing someone is hard on anyone, but it can be especially damaging for a child. Losing a parent or another significant figure in their life can teach children that life is unpredictable, and that love hurts.

Because the more we love someone, the more we hurt when we lose them. That can make the child think that love inevitably means pain, and so they will be reluctant to find it in adult life.

It’s sad. But it’s just one of the issues that can cause a man to be reluctant to commit to a relationship for fear of being hurt.

5) Overdependence or underdependence

Sometimes, parenting is all about balance.

A parent who is always there for their child, who solves every problem and controls every aspect of the child’s life, is nurturing overdependence.

This is when a child comes to rely on their parent or caregiver for absolutely everything, and never develops the necessary skills they need to one day become fully functioning adults.

Then again, allowing kids to be too independent leads to underdependence. Kids to learn that they need to rely on themselves for everything often have a hard time forming deep emotional connections with others.

6) Highly critical and overbearing parents

The same applies to a man who grew up with very critical and overbearing parents.

Growing up with parents who were never satisfied can have a number of damaging effects on a child’s psychology. And many of these effects linger well into adult life.

Growing up with parents who were never satisfied leads to low self-esteem. And this can make it difficult or even impossible to form committed relationships.

“Even when friends and family express their love for you, deep down you suspect they’re kind of fed up with you,” writes psychologist Seth J Gillihan.

That can cause a person to constantly seek validation from their partner, and then not believe it when they get it.

As you can probably imagine, that can make men who grew up in an environment like this difficult to be in a loving relationship with.

7)  A lack of positive role models

We base our relationships and even our emotional responses on what we see from adults in our childhood. Especially our parents.

But if we were surrounded by bad role models, we often grow up with a distorted impression of what people are really like.

If, as a child, your parents were destructive individuals, you may grow up with a very negative opinion of other people. And this can make it hard to find anyone to love, much less commit to.

Growing up around people with unhealthy relationships makes a man ill-equipped to form his own good relationships when he becomes an adult. And that may make him afraid to commit, especially if he knows his relationship skills aren’t all they should be.

8) Taking on adult responsibilities at a young age 

Lots of kids grow up too early. This is especially common these days, with single-parent families much more common than they used to be. It’s estimated around a quarter of kids in the US grow up with just one parent and no other adults around.

Usually, that means that parent has to work, and so they may have no choice but to give a child adult responsibilities before they are really ready.

These kids may have to get themselves ready for school, let themselves into the house after school, and even cook and clean for younger siblings.

This creates extremely independent children. So independent, in fact, that they are reluctant to ever depend on anyone else again.

When this kind of freedom becomes part of your personality, it’s very hard to sacrifice freedom ever again, even for a loving and committed relationship.

9) Betrayal of trust

Children naturally trust the adults around them. And when that trust is betrayed, it can have lifelong effects on their ability to trust anyone else.

Parents can betray a child’s trust in hugely damaging ways, such as abuse. But they may also betray that trust in small ways, like a string of broken promises and unreliable behavior.

Without meaning to, they are teaching their children that no one can be trusted.

And when a man has never learned how to trust another person, he is going to struggle to commit to anyone.

Learning to commit 

The experiences a man has in his childhood can stay with him for a lifetime, influencing every relationship he has – or doesn’t have.

The good news is, you can overcome a lot of your childhood programming. But first, you have to become aware that it’s there.