Navigating through the minefield of human interaction can be a challenge, especially when it comes to deciphering true intentions.

You meet someone new, they seem really kind and invested in you, and you think you’ve hit the jackpot of friendship. But then, things start to feel off.

You can’t quite put your finger on it, but something’s not right. They’re still being nice – on the surface, at least – but you’re starting to question if it’s genuine or just a facade.

This isn’t about being paranoid or overly suspicious. It’s about recognizing the subtle signs that someone isn’t as kind-hearted as they first appear.

And let’s be clear: this is no easy task. We’re often fooled by superficial charm or beguiling manners, but the reality is that true kindness goes much deeper than that.

In this guide, I’m going to share with you eight subtle behaviors that can reveal someone isn’t as kind as they seem. These are the small red flags that might be easy to overlook as standalone instances, but when they add up, they paint a different picture entirely.

1) They’re constantly humblebragging

Picture this: you’re having a conversation with someone who appears to be kind, but somehow, they always manage to steer the conversation back to themselves. And not just that, they do it in a way that’s subtly self-congratulatory.

This behavior is commonly known as humblebragging. It’s when someone tries to disguise their boasting with faux humility. On the surface, it might seem harmless, but it’s actually a subtle sign of self-centeredness.

True kindness involves empathy and listening, genuinely investing in others’ stories without making it about oneself. If someone’s constantly humblebragging, it may indicate that they’re more interested in appearing kind than actually being kind.

It’s the small things that count. A person can put on a show of kindness, but their actions and behaviors often reveal their true intentions. So, keep an eye out for these subtle behaviors – they might just be showing you the real picture.

2) They always play the victim

You know, I once had a friend who was a master at playing the victim.

No matter the situation, somehow, she always managed to twist things around and make herself the aggrieved party. It was as if she had a PhD in Victimology!

On the surface, it may seem like she needed support, sympathy and was just being open about her feelings.

But over time, I started to notice a pattern. It felt like every interaction was about her problems, her struggles, her life. And if I ever tried to share my own experiences, she’d quickly steer the conversation back to her woes.

This constant victim-playing is another red flag that someone isn’t as kind as they seem. It’s a manipulative tactic that keeps the focus on them and their needs while disregarding yours.

Genuine kindness involves mutual respect and understanding, not one-sided conversations and constant self-pity.

3) They’re quick to judge others

I’ve encountered people who, on the surface, appeared kind, but were quick to pass judgment on others. They’d criticize or belittle people for their choices or circumstances without knowing the full story.

This behavior is more about them than it is about the person they’re judging. It shows a lack of empathy and an inability to put themselves in others’ shoes – key traits of genuine kindness.

If someone is quick to judge others, it’s a clear sign that their ‘kindness’ may just be a facade. True kindness involves accepting people as they are, understanding their struggles, and offering help without judgment or criticism.

Everyone we meet is fighting their own battles. Genuine kindness means recognizing this and treating people with compassion and understanding, not passing hasty judgments.

4) They only do kind acts when others are watching

According to a study conducted by researchers at the University of Zurich, people are more likely to act generously when they know they’re being observed.

This suggests that some acts of kindness might be motivated more by a desire for social recognition than genuine concern for others.

If someone only seems to be kind when there’s an audience, it could be a sign that their kindness isn’t as genuine as it seems. They might be more interested in looking kind rather than being kind, which can often lead to insincere actions.

True kindness doesn’t need an audience. It’s about doing the right thing, even when no one is watching. If the person you’re dealing with only shows kindness when others are around, it might be time to question their motives.

Keeping this fact in mind can help us differentiate between those who are genuinely kind and those who merely perform acts of kindness for show.

5) They’re never genuinely happy for others

Have you ever shared a piece of good news with someone, only to have them react with indifference, or worse, jealousy? It’s a terrible feeling. You’ve achieved something great, and instead of sharing in your joy, they seem to resent it.

This behavior is a big red flag that someone isn’t as kind as they seem. Genuine kindness is about rejoicing in others’ happiness and successes, not just tolerating or, worse, resenting them.

If someone can’t be genuinely happy for you when things are going well, it’s a sign that their kindness might not run as deep as you thought.

True kindness is about celebrating each other’s victories and being there to lift each other up, not just when times are tough but also when they’re good.

6) They always need to be right

We’ve all had that one friend or family member who just can’t stand to be wrong. Every conversation feels like a debate, and they’ll go to great lengths to prove their point, even if it means hurting someone’s feelings.

This behavior is another subtle sign that someone isn’t as kind as they seem. Genuine kindness includes respect for others’ thoughts and opinions, and the humility to admit when we’re wrong.

If someone always needs to be right, it shows a lack of empathy and respect for others. It’s a sign of their need for control and dominance rather than mutual understanding and growth.

True kindness is about fostering an environment where everyone feels heard and valued, not just the loudest or the most persuasive.

7) They rarely show gratitude

Gratitude is one of the most fundamental expressions of kindness. It shows recognition and appreciation for the good things others do for us. But what if someone rarely says “thank you” or acknowledges your efforts?

This is another subtle behavior that reveals someone isn’t as kind as they seem. A lack of gratitude can indicate a sense of entitlement or a lack of awareness about the efforts others put in for them.

Saying “thank you” is not just about good manners; it’s about acknowledging and appreciating the kindness of others. If someone rarely shows gratitude, it may be a sign that they take others’ kindness for granted.

Being kind means recognizing and appreciating the efforts of others. If someone struggles to express gratitude, it might be a sign that their kindness is not as genuine as it seems.

8) They’re unkind to those who can’t benefit them

There’s a saying that goes, “You can easily judge the character of a person by how they treat those who can do nothing for them.” This couldn’t be more true when it comes to revealing someone’s true kindness.

If someone is only kind to people from whom they can gain something – be it social status, professional advancement, or favors – it’s a significant indicator that their kindness isn’t genuine.

True kindness doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t depend on what someone can get in return. It’s about treating everyone with respect and compassion, regardless of their status or what they can offer.

Take note of how someone treats others, especially those who stand to offer them nothing in return. This behavior could reveal more about their character than any display of surface-level kindness ever could.

Wrapping it up

If you’ve noticed some of these behaviors in someone close to you, it’s okay to feel conflicted. But remember – recognizing these subtle signs is the first step towards understanding their true intentions.

It doesn’t mean you have to cut ties immediately, but it’s worth reflecting on how these behaviors affect your relationship. Are they causing you stress or discomfort? Do they make you question your self-worth?

As Maya Angelou once said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” It’s a stark reminder that actions often speak louder than words.

It’s a journey of self-discovery that requires patience and resilience. But rest assured, with time, you’ll become more adept at discerning genuine kindness from mere pretense.

And as you navigate this path, remember to extend the same kindness to yourself as you would to others. After all, self-love is the first step towards fostering healthier relationships.