Ever wonder why some of us just can’t shake that need to be “perfect” all the time? I sure have. 

Well, it turns out perfectionism isn’t something that just appears out of nowhere – it often has deep roots in our childhood. In fact, many people who struggle with perfectionism as adults went through certain formative experiences when they were growing up. 

Understanding those early experiences can be an eye-opener (and a relief, to be honest). It helps us see that hey, there’s a reason we are the way we are, and it’s not because we’re “crazy” or just too hard on ourselves for no reason.

With this in mind, today we dive into a few common childhood experiences that research has linked to perfectionism in adulthood. 

As we go through each one, you might recognize a bit of your own story. But remember – the goal here isn’t to blame anyone (our parents, for example), but to build awareness. When we know why we have these perfectionist tendencies, we can start to loosen their grip and be kinder to ourselves.

1. High parental expectations and pressure to excel

Did you grow up feeling like a 90% on a test was basically a failure because, well, why wasn’t it 100%? Many of us who wrestle with perfectionism had parents or caregivers who genuinely wanted the best for us – but their way of showing it was by pushing us to excel at everything. 

In my case, if I came home with a great result, the immediate response was often, “Awesome… so can you do even better next time?” Nothing malicious, of course, but as a kid I interpreted that as I must constantly achieve, or I’m not good enough.

It turns out my experience isn’t unique. Research shows that “the perception of high parental expectations” is linked to perfectionism. 

It makes sense: when you’re little and the bar is always set at the very top, you internalize that. You start believing that only top marks, gold medals, or first-place finishes count. Over time, that can wire your self-worth to your achievements. You might become your own worst critic, because that internalized parent voice is always asking, “couldn’t you do better?”

Now, having goals and striving to do well isn’t a bad thing in itself. The problem is when excellence turns into perfectionism, which is like excellence on steroids (and not in a fun way). 

The pressure to excel at all costs can suck the joy out of accomplishments – you get a 98 and instead of celebrating, you’re fretting about the 2 points you missed. I’ve been there, and it’s exhausting. 

If this was you growing up, recognizing this link is important. It’s a reminder that your ultra-high standards didn’t appear from thin air; they were learned. And anything learned can be unlearned or at least managed with a bit of compassion (for our well-meaning parents and for ourselves).

2. Love or approval that felt conditional on achievement

Think back: did you ever feel like you had to earn your parents’ love or approval by doing well? 

Maybe praise and affection were a little scarce unless you scored a goal, got the lead in the play, or brought home straight A’s. 

I have a friend who once said, “I swear, my dad was all hugs and smiles when I won – but if I lost, it was like I became invisible.” It might not have been that extreme for everyone, but even subtle dynamics like that can leave a mark.

Psychologists might call this conditional love or conditional acceptance. Essentially, it’s the feeling that “I will love you if you accomplish XYZ.” As experts have described, a lot of perfectionists grew up interpreting this message loud and clear: “I will love you if…”​

Of course, some (if not most) parents never said those exact words outright – but kids are amazingly perceptive. We pick up on tones, on what gets us attention and what doesn’t. 

If your big achievements were celebrated, but your small everyday needs or efforts were ignored (or met with a “you can do better”), you learn to chase achievement as a way to feel loved and valued.

3. Harsh criticism or punishment leading to a fear of failure

This is a big one. If every mistake was met with yelling, harsh criticism, or some strict punishment, it can plant the seed of a deep fear of failure. 

Picture a child who gets scolded intensely just for spilling juice or who is made to feel ashamed for getting a C on a quiz. They’re going to learn pretty quickly that failure is dangerous (or at least, very painful). 

And how do you avoid failure? By trying to be perfect all the time.

I flinched while writing that, because I remember a time in 5th grade when I hid a test paper in my backpack for weeks – all because I’d gotten a poor grade and I was terrified of my parents’ reaction. That fear didn’t come from nowhere; it came from experience. 

And I know many people with similar stories. One friend said if he brought home anything less than top marks, his dad would compare him to the class genius or say, “What, were you goofing off in class?” Ouch. He started equating anything less than perfection with personal shame.

Psychologically, this is well documented. When children face harsh criticism or even ridicule for not doing something perfectly, they begin to dread failure to an extreme degree​. A Harvard article put it succinctly: Many perfectionists carry a huge fear of failure and truly believe they can avoid it by being perfect​. 

Basically, the child who got yelled at for a B+ grows into an adult who freaks out at the idea of making a mistake at work. It’s the same fear continuing to echo.

Rounding things off

If you recognized your own childhood in any of these points, take a deep breath. Awareness is the first step toward change, and you’ve just shone a light on some of the hidden corners of your past. That’s a brave thing to do. 

It might feel heavy – realizing how those old experiences are still echoing in your life today – but it’s also empowering. Why? Because it means your inner perfectionist isn’t a mystery. It’s a learned response. And if it’s learned, you can start to unlearn it, bit by bit.

As we wrap up, I want to emphasize the importance of self-compassion. Look, you became a perfectionist for perfectly understandable reasons. In a way, it was how you protected yourself or tried to earn love. There’s no need to beat yourself up for that (that would just be perfectionism doing its thing again!). 

Instead, try treating yourself with the same empathy you’d offer a close friend. When that inner voice screams “you’re not good enough” or “you must do better,” pause and gently challenge it. Remind yourself that it’s the echo of a younger you who was just trying to cope. And today, you can assure that inner child that they are more than good enough as they are.