Raising kids is one thing, but staying close to them once they’re grown? That’s a whole different challenge.

I’ve seen it in my own life and in friends around me: parents who love their adult children dearly but find themselves feeling distant, unsure of where things went wrong. 

And more often than not, it’s not the big, obvious mistakes that create the gap—it’s the little things, the subtle behaviors we don’t even realize we’re doing.

If you’ve ever felt that disconnect with your grown kids and wished things were different, this one’s for you. Today we talk about five subtle behaviors that might be getting in the way—without you even realizing it.

1) Presuming we know it all

I’ve caught myself doing this more than once: thinking, “I’m in my sixties, I’ve been around the block, so obviously I know best.” 

But when we walk into a conversation with our grown children fully convinced that our perspective is the only valid one, we shut down any opportunity to hear what they’re experiencing.

Yes, we’ve got decades of living under our belts, and some principles of family, respect, and kindness never change. But the details of life in 2025 (and beyond) are vastly different from what we dealt with. Technology, social media, global job markets—these factors create challenges we never imagined at their age. 

In these cases when I feel like I know best, I like to remember a quote often attributed to Winston Churchill: “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” 

Sometimes, the best gift we can give our adult children is to listen with genuine curiosity rather than trying to be the all-knowing guide.

2) Maintaining a pattern of constant criticism

We might see it as helpful “feedback,” but to our kids, it often feels like never-ending faultfinding. 

A remark here about their job choices, a comment there about their parenting style—over time, it adds up. I’ve learned the hard way that one snarky comment can overshadow a dozen kind words.

Adult children, just like younger ones, thrive on encouragement. If they feel like they can’t win your approval no matter what they do, they’ll eventually pull away to avoid the sting of your remarks. 

So the next time we feel tempted to correct or critique, it might be wise to ask ourselves: Is this truly helpful, or am I just picking at them?

3) Refusing to accept they’re no longer kids

Here’s a truth I’ve noticed many parents struggle to accept: once they become adults, our children don’t need the same kind of supervision or instruction they did at seven years old.

When parents can’t shake the habit of talking down to their grown offspring—or keep insisting on decisions that were once standard in childhood (like bedtimes or meal choices)—it can feel belittling. 

Adult children want to be recognized as independent individuals, not “babies” who still need their hands held every step of the way. If we keep treating them like kids, they might feel smothered or disrespected. 

And when people feel disrespected, they’re less likely to open up or stay connected.

4) Refusing to be vulnerable

One of my favorite quotes is by renowned researcher and author Brené Brown. She wrote:

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity.”

I think we can all get on board with this—but so often, we make an exception for our kids. 

When they were young, we needed to appear like superheroes—strong, capable, always having the answers. And for years, that worked. But as they’ve grown, they no longer need a flawless protector; they need a real, human connection.

I’ve seen many parents (myself included) hesitate to share our own struggles, regrets, or fears with our adult children. Maybe we worry it will make us look weak, or we think, They don’t need to hear about my problems. 

But here’s the thing: vulnerability is what deepens relationships.

When we open up—about our past mistakes, our worries about aging, or even just a tough day—it invites our children to do the same. It shows them that they don’t have to have it all figured out either. And that can be one of the greatest gifts we give them.

5) Letting pride get in the way

Finally, but perhaps most importantly, one of the biggest barriers to a strong relationship with our adult children is pride.

It’s tough to admit when we’ve made mistakes—especially as parents. After all, we spent years making sacrifices, doing our best, and trying to guide them in the right direction. 

But that doesn’t mean we always got it right. And when we refuse to acknowledge past missteps or apologize when needed, it can create a silent wall between us and our children.

I’ve learned that a simple “I’m sorry” can go a long way. Maybe we were too harsh during their teenage years. Maybe we dismissed their feelings when they were younger. Maybe we overstepped as they started their own families. Whatever it is, acknowledging it—without excuses—can be incredibly healing.

At the end of the day, relationships aren’t about being right; they’re about staying connected. And sometimes, the best way to do that is by setting our pride aside and simply saying, I’m sorry. 

Parting thoughts

Look, I’m still figuring things out myself, but one thing I can tell you is that real connections can be rebuilt, even if they’ve been strained for years. 

A small change—like swapping that next critique for a word of praise—can be the beginning of a whole new dynamic.

So I invite you to reflect on your own approach to your adult children. Which of these habits might be lurking in your interactions? And what’s one small adjustment you can make this week to bridge that gap? 

Here’s to fostering healthier, warmer bonds with the grown-ups we once called our “little ones.” They may not need us to hold their hands anymore, but they might still need us to hold space for them—and that’s a privilege worth embracing.