We all know someone who walks into a room and almost instantly puts others at ease, don’t we? They’re the kind of people who, with a simple conversation or a casual smile, can forge genuine connections in record time. 

Now, if you’re like me—and most folks I know—you might look at them and wonder, “How do they do it?”

Over the years, in my various friendships and professional relationships, I’ve seen common threads in what makes certain people stand out as socially intelligent. 

It’s not about reciting flashy facts or having a brilliant mind. Instead, it’s often about the subtleties: the little behaviors we either embrace or eliminate that truly elevate our ability to connect with others.

Below, I’m covering five habits that can silently chip away at how others perceive us. If we want to come across as socially intelligent—and genuinely so—it might be time to bid these behaviors farewell.

1) Neglecting to truly listen

I used to consider myself a decent listener, but over time I realized I was often half-tuned in, thinking about what I’d say next rather than hearing the other person’s words. Sound familiar? 

It’s astonishing how often we slip into this habit. As Stephen R. Covey, author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, once said, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” 

That quote really hit home for me. Instead of focusing on picking the perfect response, real listening means giving the other person room to speak, reflecting on what they say, and responding thoughtfully.

If you want to dial up your social intelligence, pay attention to your listening habits. Make eye contact, show you’re invested, and (this is the tough one) resist the reflex to bring the conversation back to yourself too quickly.

2) Using negativity or cheap shots

Negativity is sneaky. Sometimes it disguises itself as playful sarcasm or a “harmless” remark. We might convince ourselves it’s all in good fun, but these small jabs can create an undercurrent of discomfort or hurt that people won’t forget.

I remember a time in my office job—long before I took up writing—when a co-worker constantly poked fun at another team member’s minor mistakes. They’d do it with a joking tone, so no one could accuse them of being outright mean, but it still chipped away at team morale. People were hesitant to speak freely for fear of becoming the next target of that passive-aggressive wit.

To me, the late, great Maya Angelou’s words sum this up perfectly: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

If people sense that you approach conversations looking for ways to poke holes or dish out negativity—no matter how subtle—they’ll remember the sting. And the sting lingers long after the words themselves are forgotten.

Cutting out low-grade negativity isn’t about being super sweet all the time. It’s about respecting the atmosphere you create, whether it’s in a casual chat with friends, a company meeting, or even a conversation at the grocery store.

3) Letting your emotions take the driver’s seat

This is a big one.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve certainly had my fair share of moments where my emotions got the better of me. In the heat of an argument or a stressful situation, it’s all too easy to snap or say something regrettable. And believe me, I’ve done my share of apologizing afterward.

If you’re looking to build stronger bonds—personally or professionally—it helps to recognize when you’re on the verge of an outburst. Take a deep breath, step back if needed, and approach the conversation again when you’re calmer. 

In heated moments, we often say things we don’t mean, and that can erode trust faster than anything else.

4) Dismissing or overshadowing others’ accomplishments

Ever chatted with someone who always has to “one-up” your story? 

If you’ve just tried a new hobby, they’ve supposedly been doing it for years. If you mention a recent success, they’ll pivot to a bigger, better achievement of their own. It can be deflating—and it certainly doesn’t scream social intelligence.

A socially intelligent person shines light on others. They know that celebrating another person’s win doesn’t dim their own achievements. Instead, it builds goodwill, makes the other person feel valued, and keeps the conversation balanced.

I’ve mentioned this before but it’s worth repeating: collaboration and empathy are at the heart of building quality relationships. When we validate and celebrate other people’s good news, we strengthen our social bonds. We’re essentially practicing a key element of emotional intelligence: understanding how our actions (and reactions) affect someone else’s feelings.

If you find yourself itching to share a bigger story right after someone else has shared theirs, pause and reflect. Ask a follow-up question about their experience instead. You can always share your own tale later, but giving them the spotlight first can do wonders for your connection.

5) Steering every conversation back to yourself

This one is more common than we’d like to admit. We all have that friend—or maybe we’ve been that friend—who can’t seem to stay on any topic that doesn’t revolve around them. 

It happens so subtly: a co-worker mentions they’re planning a vacation, and within seconds, you’re off on a tangent about your dream holiday. It’s almost second nature, but it can sabotage your social capital quicker than you might think.

Conversations are a two-way street. When someone is opening up about something personal or significant, letting them elaborate builds trust and rapport. Jumping in with your own story too soon can come across as dismissive.

Are you guilty of this? Try this: shift the focus back to someone else.  Say “Oh, that’s interesting. Tell me more about how you ended up choosing that destination,” or, “That sounds exciting! What drew you to that decision?” 

It feels awkward at first, especially if you’re used to being the talker, but it’s a game-changer for genuine rapport.

Parting thoughts

Whether we’re at a family gathering, a work conference, or just chatting with new friends, socially intelligent behavior is like a magnet. It draws people in and makes them feel comfortable. 

And if you’re eager to boost that part of yourself, a good place to start is by cutting out the subtle habits we’ve just explored.

Let’s keep learning and growing together, one conversation at a time. After all, each encounter is a chance to become a little more tuned in, empathetic, and yes—socially intelligent.