7 phrases to ban from your vocabulary if you want to maintain strong bonds with your adult children

Navigating relationships with your adult children can be one of the most rewarding—but also one of the trickiest—parts of parenthood.
As they grow into their own lives and identities, the way you communicate becomes more important than ever. Certain phrases, even when well-intentioned, can unintentionally create distance or tension between you and your kids.
But don’t worry—there’s always room to grow and strengthen your bond.
As a relationship expert, I’ve identified seven common phrases you’ll want to steer clear of if you’re looking to build a strong, lasting connection with your adult children.
Let’s dive in and explore what to say (and not to say) to keep those family ties strong.
1) “You should always…”
Ah, the classic advice trap.
You probably have a ton of wisdom and experience to share with your children. And it’s natural to want to guide them, even when they’re all grown up.
But here’s the thing: Constantly dishing out advice, especially when it’s unsolicited, can make your adult child feel like you don’t trust their judgement.
Remember, they’re adults now – capable of making their own decisions and learning from their own mistakes.
So next time you feel the urge to start a sentence with “You should always…”, hold back.
Instead, try asking them what they think or what their plans are. This way, you’re respecting their autonomy while still showing your interest in their lives.
2) “When I was your age…”
We’ve all said it at some point, haven’t we?
It’s so easy to slip into comparing our experiences with those of your adult children. And while it’s not always harmful, it can become problematic if you do it too often.
Drawing constant comparisons can make your children feel like you’re dismissing their feelings and experiences. Each generation has its own unique challenges, and it’s important to validate that.
A wise man named Albert Einstein once said, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” The same applies to comparing your life experiences with those of your children.
Listening is far more important than comparing. The next time you’re tempted to say “When I was your age…”, try asking about their experiences instead. It might just open up a whole new world of understanding between you and your adult child.
3) “I told you so…”
Yes, you probably often see pitfalls that your children miss. And yes, it can be frustrating when they don’t heed your warnings.
But trust me, rubbing it in when they stumble isn’t going to make things better.
“I told you so” can make your child feel small and incompetent. It creates a power imbalance that is not healthy in a relationship between adults.
Instead, try offering support and understanding when your child makes a mistake. They are more likely to learn from the experience if they don’t feel judged or belittled by it.
4) “Why can’t you be more like…”
It’s so easy to let something like this slip out, isn’t it?
You don’t mean any harm, but a comment comparing your child to someone else—whether it’s a sibling, a cousin, or a friend—can sting more than you realize.
Comparisons send the message that they’re falling short, that they’re somehow not good enough as they are. And that can create serious cracks in your relationship.
Instead of focusing on what your adult child isn’t, try celebrating who they are. Recognize their unique qualities, their achievements, and the things that make them special.
Let them know that you love and value them for exactly who they are—not who you think they should be.
5) “You’re just like your [parent they have a strained relationship with]…”
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from years of relationship counseling, it’s that each person is their own individual, regardless of their lineage.
Assigning traits or behaviors to your adult child based on a parent or relation they have a strained relationship with can be deeply hurtful. It can feel like a low blow and create unnecessary resentment.
We all have our share of traits we’d rather not inherit. But it’s important to remember that everyone has the right to their own identity, separate from their parents or anyone else.
Instead of pointing out similarities that might be uncomfortable or unwelcome, focus on the unique qualities that make your child who they are. Celebrate their individuality and give them the freedom to be themselves without judgment or comparison.
6) “You always…” or “You never…”
These absolute phrases can be more damaging than we realize.
Starting a sentence with “You always” or “You never” can make your adult child feel attacked and defensive. And let’s be honest, nobody responds well to that.
Instead, focus on specific behaviors and how they affect you.
For example, rather than saying, “You never call me,” you could say, “I’d love to catch up more often.” This approach shifts the conversation from blame to expressing your feelings and needs in a way that invites connection, rather than shutting it down.
7) “It’s for your own good…”
While we often use this phrase with the best of intentions, it can end up sounding more like a justification for imposing our own choices and decisions on our adult children.
The truth is, as adults, they are capable of determining what’s best for them. When we insist on our way under the guise of it being “for their own good”, we risk undermining their confidence and autonomy.
It’s crucial to remember that your role as a parent evolves as your children grow. Your job isn’t to make decisions for them but to support them as they make their own choices.
As raw and honest as it might sound, respecting their decisions – even when we disagree – is key to maintaining strong bonds with your adult children.
Final Thoughts
Maintaining strong, healthy relationships with your adult children isn’t always easy, but it’s one of the most meaningful investments you can make.
The words you choose matter more than you might realize, and avoiding these common pitfalls can go a long way in fostering deeper connection and mutual respect.
At the end of the day, your adult children don’t need perfection from you—they need love, understanding, and support as they navigate their own paths. With thoughtful communication and an open heart, you can build a bond that grows stronger with time.
So, take a deep breath, reflect on your words, and remember: it’s never too late to strengthen your relationship. You’ve got this.
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