There’s a real difference between being respected and being feared by your children.

This difference often boils down to behavior. There are certain behaviors that, as parents, we need to shed if we want to be valued more by our children, especially as we age.

Letting go of these behaviors is not a sign of weakness, but rather growth and understanding. By doing so, we give our children the freedom to love and respect us for who we truly are, not for the fear or authority we impose.

In this journey of parenthood, I’ve identified 7 behaviors that we need to bid farewell to if we want to feel more valued by our children as we get older. So, let’s take a meaningful step towards nurturing better parent-child relationships today.

1) Trying to fix everything

As parents, our natural instinct is to protect our children and solve their problems. But as our children grow up, this behavior can be more harmful than helpful.

Often, our children are looking for a sounding board, someone to listen to their concerns and validate their feelings, not necessarily someone to provide solutions.

Here lies the tricky part. We need to differentiate between when our children need advice and when they need empathy.

By understanding this subtle difference, we can create a safe space for our children to share their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or unsolicited advice. In return, this can lead to them feeling more understood by us and ultimately valuing us more.

Sometimes listening is more powerful than solving. But like any other skill, it takes practice. So let’s start today.

2) Ignoring their interests

I’ve always been passionate about literature and writing, a trait I hoped to pass on to my children. But as they grew older, I realized that they had their own unique interests.

My son found joy in painting, while my daughter was fascinated by the world of computer programming. At first, I struggled to understand and appreciate these interests because they were so different from my own.

One day, my son asked me to join him for a painting session. I was surprised to see how much thought and effort he put into each stroke. I began to see painting through his eyes – as a form of expression and a source of joy.

Similarly, when my daughter explained her latest coding project to me, I could see the spark in her eyes. It was then that I realized how much it meant to them when I showed genuine interest in their passions.

By taking the time to understand and appreciate their interests, rather than imposing my own, I felt more connected to them. And in turn, they too began to value our relationship more.

The lesson? Embrace their passions, even if they’re different from your own. It could be the key to feeling more valued by your children as you age.

3) Discounting their emotions

Emotions play a crucial role in the way we communicate and connect with others. They provide a window into our inner world and our experiences.

Research shows that when parents dismiss their children’s emotions, it can lead to feelings of being misunderstood or undervalued. In contrast, acknowledging and validating their emotions can foster better communication and understanding.

There’s a significant difference between saying “You shouldn’t be upset about this” and “I can see that you’re upset about this”. The former dismisses the child’s feelings, while the latter acknowledges them.

By making a conscious effort to validate our children’s emotions, we can cultivate a more empathetic relationship. This not only helps us understand our children better but also makes them feel more valued.

4) Holding onto the past

It’s natural to remember our children’s past mistakes or behaviors. But it’s important to understand that they are continuously growing and learning, just like us.

Harboring past mistakes or continuously bringing them up can create a negative environment. It can make our children feel like they are always under scrutiny and that their growth isn’t being acknowledged.

So, rather than dwelling on the past, it’s crucial to focus on the present and future. This shows our children that we believe in their ability to change and improve.

We need to let go of the past to help our children move forward. This encourages them to learn from their mistakes and fosters a more positive relationship where they feel valued and understood.

5) Being too critical

I remember a time when I couldn’t help but point out every little mistake my children made. From their table manners to their study habits, I thought my constant vigilance would help them become better individuals.

Over time, however, I noticed that they were becoming increasingly distant. They stopped sharing their day-to-day experiences with me and seemed hesitant to ask for my advice. It was heartbreaking.

I realized that my constant criticism was creating an atmosphere of negativity and fear. Instead of helping them improve, it was pushing them away. So, I decided to change my approach.

I started focusing on their strengths and praising their efforts. I became more patient and understanding. Slowly but surely, our relationship began to improve.

The process taught me a valuable lesson – criticism can do more harm than good. It’s important to guide our children with love and patience if we want them to value us as they grow older.

6) Neglecting self-care

As parents, we often prioritize our children’s needs and well-being above our own. And while it’s important to take care of our children, it’s equally important to take care of ourselves.

Self-care is not just about physical well-being; it’s also about mental and emotional health. When we neglect our own needs, it can lead to burnout, stress, and resentment.

Moreover, when we model self-care, we teach our children the importance of taking care of their own physical and emotional health. It also shows them that we value ourselves, which in turn can lead to them valuing us more.

So, don’t forget to take time for yourself. Your well-being matters too, and taking care of yourself is an essential part of being a good parent.

7) Failing to respect their boundaries

As our children grow older, they develop their own identities and need for personal space. Respecting these boundaries is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship.

When we respect our children’s boundaries, we show them that we value their individuality and autonomy. This can lead to mutual respect and understanding, strengthening our bond with them.

Recognizing and respecting our children’s boundaries is not just about giving them space; it’s about acknowledging their growth and maturity. It’s about showing them that we trust and value them as individuals.

Remember, respect is a two-way street. If we want to be valued by our children, we must first value them.

Ultimately, it’s about love and understanding

The essence of feeling valued lies in the realm of emotional connection and mutual understanding.

One fundamental concept central to this is the idea of “emotional intelligence“. Coined by psychologists Peter Salovey and John Mayer, and popularized by Daniel Goleman, it refers to the ability to understand and manage our own emotions, as well as those of others.

In the context of parenting, emotional intelligence plays a significant role. When we understand and manage our emotions, we’re better equipped to handle our children’s feelings.

As we navigate the journey of parenthood and age gracefully, it’s essential to remember that fostering a sense of value is less about changing who we are and more about understanding who our children are.

It’s about letting go of behaviors that hinder connection and embracing those that foster understanding. It’s about realizing that our children are unique individuals with their own identities, dreams, and passions.

At the end of the day, feeling valued by our children as we age is a testament to a relationship built on mutual respect, empathy, and unconditional love.