At sixty-something, with three grown children and five grandchildren ranging from ages 4 to 14, I’ve learned some hard truths about what pushes adult children away.

My kids are all in their thirties now, and while we have good relationships today, it took work to get here. I’ve also seen too many of my friends struggle with distant relationships with their adult children, wondering where things went wrong.

If you want to maintain strong bonds with your children as they build their own lives, there are certain behaviors you need to let go of. Today, I want to share what I’ve discovered, both from my own mistakes and from what the experts tell us.

1) Criticizing their life choices and achievements

When my son Michael went through his divorce a few years back, every fiber of my being wanted to tell him what he should have done differently. I had opinions about everything from his choice of lawyer to how he was handling custody arrangements.

But I learned to bite my tongue, and thank goodness I did.

Parent coach and psychologist Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein has noted that parents who frequently criticize or dismiss their adult child’s feelings or achievements cause them to feel inadequate and unvalued, inflicting real emotional harm on the relationship. This criticism pushes adult children away rather than bringing them closer.

The truth is, our adult children don’t need our approval for every decision they make. What they need is our support and understanding. When we constantly critique their choices, whether it’s their career, their parenting style, or even their choice of partner, we’re essentially telling them they’re not capable adults. Is it any wonder they start avoiding our calls?

2) Overstepping boundaries 

I remember when I was navigating my middle child’s struggles with anxiety. Every parenting book I’d read, every instinct I had, told me to jump in and fix things.

But respecting his boundaries meant letting him handle it his way, with professional help he chose, at his own pace. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but it strengthened our relationship immeasurably.

Now, I take my grandchildren on weekly nature walks, but only when their parents are comfortable with it.

I’ve learned that respecting boundaries isn’t about being shut out. It’s about being invited in on their terms. And ironically, the more I respect their space, the more they seem to want me around.

3) Controlling through pressure and demands

You know what I regret most? Being too controlling with my daughter’s college choices all those years ago. I thought I knew what was best for her future.

I pressured her toward a “practical” degree, dismissed her interest in the arts, and made my financial support contingent on her following my plan.

Experts note that pressuring a struggling adult child negatively impacts both their well-being and your relationship with them and this controlling behavior backfires and damages the parent-child bond. .

I often think about how different things might have been if I’d supported Sarah’s dreams instead of trying to control them. She eventually found her way to a fulfilling career, but it took years to repair the damage my controlling behavior had caused.

I’ve discovered that each of my children needed completely different parenting approaches, and that need for individualized respect continues into adulthood. What works for Sarah doesn’t work for Michael, and what works for Michael doesn’t work for Emma. The moment I stopped trying to control outcomes and started simply being present, everything changed.

4) Helicopter parenting your adult children

Here’s something that might surprise you. A 2011 University of Tennessee study found that college students whose parents hovered over them were significantly more likely to need medication for anxiety and depression.

This overprotective behavior, even with good intentions, actually harms adult children’s mental health and creates distance in the relationship.

I’ll admit, after taking early retirement at 62, I suddenly had all this time on my hands. My first instinct was to become more involved in my kids’ lives, to “help” them with everything from home repairs to financial planning. But I quickly realized I was suffocating them.

Being more present and patient as a grandfather than I was as a father has taught me something important. Our adult children need us to trust them to handle their own lives. They need to make their own mistakes, find their own solutions, and build their own confidence.

Our grown children don’t need us swooping in to solve their problems. They need us standing beside them, ready to help if asked, but not taking over.

5) Not expressing love and appreciation regularly

Too often, we parents fall into patterns of criticism and correction, forgetting to simply tell our adult children that we’re proud of them, that we love them, that we appreciate the people they’ve become.

We assume they know, but assumptions aren’t enough.

Now, during our weekly coffee dates, during those nature walks with my grandchildren, during our Sunday pancake breakfasts, I make sure to express appreciation not just for what my children do, but for who they are. I tell Michael how much I admire his resilience. I tell Emma what an incredible mother she is. I tell Sarah how proud I am of the life she’s built.

I’ve learned that expressing love isn’t just about saying the words. It’s about showing up without judgment, listening without offering solutions, and being present without trying to control. It’s about accepting them exactly as they are, not as we wish they would be.

The path forward

Changing these patterns isn’t easy. Old habits die hard, especially when they come from a place of love and concern.

However, I’ve learned that the best way to love our adult children is to respect them as the capable adults they’ve become.

These days, my relationships with my children are stronger than ever. Not because I’m more involved in their lives, but because I’m involved in the right way, on their terms, with respect for their autonomy and choices.