You know that feeling when you offer your adult child what you think is perfectly sound advice, only to watch their eyes glaze over or see them politely nod before doing the exact opposite?

Trust me, I’ve been there more times than I’d care to admit.

After raising kids who are now well into adulthood, I’ve learned the hard way that some of the communication patterns I grew up with—the ones that seemed perfectly normal in my generation—can actually push our adult children further away from us rather than draw them closer.

The truth is, if we want our grown kids to genuinely consider our guidance, we need to take a hard look at some habits that might be sabotaging our relationships without us even realizing it.

1. Constantly offering unsolicited advice

Here’s something I had to learn the hard way: just because I’ve lived longer doesn’t mean my adult children want my input on every decision they make.

I remember when my daughter was house-hunting a few years back. Every time she mentioned a property, I’d jump in with my opinions about the neighborhood, the price, the layout—you name it. What I thought was being helpful, she experienced as intrusive and overwhelming.

The reality is that our adult children often just want us to listen, not solve their problems for them. When we constantly offer advice they haven’t asked for, we’re essentially telling them we don’t trust their judgment or their ability to figure things out on their own.

Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is simply ask, “Do you want my thoughts on this, or do you just need me to listen?”

2. Dismissing their feelings and experiences

One of the biggest relationship killers I’ve witnessed is when parents brush off their adult children’s emotions or experiences as invalid or overblown.

Maybe your daughter mentions feeling stressed about work-life balance, and your first instinct is to say something like, “Well, back in my day, we just got on with it.” Or perhaps your son talks about struggling with anxiety, and you respond with, “You just need to toughen up.”

As parent coach and psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein has explained: “Parents who frequently criticize or dismiss their adult child’s feelings or achievements can inflict emotional harm, causing them to feel inadequate and unvalued.”

I’ve caught myself doing this more than once, and I’ve seen how it immediately shuts down communication. Our children’s experiences are different from ours, and that doesn’t make them less valid.

3. Making everything about respect and authority

“Because I’m your parent” might have worked when they were seven, but it’s a relationship killer when they’re thirty-seven.

I used to fall into this trap regularly. When my kids would make choices I disagreed with, I’d get hung up on the idea that they weren’t “respecting” me or my authority. But here’s what I’ve learned: respect in adult relationships is earned through mutual understanding, not demanded through hierarchy.

Marriage and family therapist Sarah Epstein backs this up. She has said: 

“Boundaries go both ways, and parents and children may both feel resentment when the other violates their boundaries.” 

Our adult children don’t owe us obedience. They owe us the same courtesy and consideration they’d show any other important person in their lives—and we owe them the same in return.

4. Criticizing instead of understanding

Dale Carnegie hit the nail on the head when he wrote: “Any fool can criticize, complain, and condemn—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.” 

I used to be guilty of leading with criticism when my kids made choices I didn’t understand. Why were they spending so much on that apartment? Why weren’t they saving more money? Why did they choose that job over the other one?

But criticism, even when it comes from a place of love, rarely opens doors to meaningful conversation. Instead, it puts people on the defensive and makes them less likely to share with us in the future.

These days, I try to lead with curiosity instead of judgment. Instead of “That was a foolish decision,” I might ask, “Help me understand what factors were most important to you in making that choice.”

5. Refusing to admit when you’re wrong

This one stings a bit to admit, but it’s crucial.

There’s something about our generation that makes it particularly difficult to say, “I was wrong” or “I’m sorry” to our children. Maybe it’s because we were raised to believe that admitting mistakes undermines our authority, or perhaps we worry it will damage our credibility.

But the opposite is actually true. When we can own our mistakes and apologize genuinely, it models emotional maturity and shows our adult children that we see them as equals worthy of respect.

I remember a heated conversation with my son about his career choices that ended with me saying some pretty hurtful things. It took me weeks to swallow my pride and apologize, but when I finally did, it opened up a level of honesty in our relationship that hadn’t existed before.

6. Trying to control their happiness

Here’s perhaps the hardest lesson I’ve had to learn: my adult children’s happiness is not my responsibility.

Author Rudá Iandê puts it plainly in his new book: “Their happiness is their responsibility, not yours.” He was speaking generally  but I’d say it applies to our adult children, too. 

For years, I carried the weight of thinking I needed to fix every problem, smooth every rough patch, and ensure my kids were always content. But this mindset actually prevented them from developing their own resilience and problem-solving skills.

It also put enormous pressure on our relationships. When I made their happiness my job, every struggle they faced felt like my personal failure.

As Brené Brown has noted “The heart of compassion is really acceptance. The better we are at accepting ourselves and others, the more compassionate we become.”  Learning to accept that my adult children will face challenges, make mistakes, and sometimes be unhappy—and that this is all part of their growth—has been liberating for all of us.

Moving forward

Look, changing these deeply ingrained habits isn’t easy. I still catch myself slipping into old patterns sometimes, especially when I’m worried about one of my kids.

But here’s what I’ve learned: our adult children don’t need us to be perfect parents. They need us to be genuine people who are willing to grow and adapt alongside them.

The goal isn’t to become their best friend or to avoid ever having difficult conversations. It’s to build relationships based on mutual respect, understanding, and love—the kind of relationships where our advice is welcomed because it comes from a place of genuine care rather than a need to control.

So here’s my question for you: which of these habits resonates most with your own experience? What’s one small change you could make this week to strengthen the relationship with your adult children?

After all, the best advice we can give them might just be showing them how to keep learning and growing, no matter what stage of life we’re in.