The other day at the grocery store, I watched a young man practically shove past an elderly woman to grab the last rotisserie chicken. No “excuse me,” no acknowledgment of her existence.

It got me thinking about all the subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways people reveal whether they were taught basic courtesy growing up.

Let me share nine behaviors that are dead giveaways someone missed out on those crucial early lessons in manners.

1. They consistently interrupt others and monopolize conversations

We’ve all met this person. They’re the one who cuts you off mid-sentence to launch into their own story, usually one that’s only tangentially related to what you were saying.

During my 35 years in middle management at an insurance company, I sat through countless meetings with chronic interrupters. These folks never learned what Epictetus wisely pointed out: “We have two ears and one mouth, so we should listen twice as much as we speak” .

The thing is, people who constantly interrupt weren’t taught that conversations are a two-way street. They treat discussions like monologues with occasional breathing breaks. Watch how they lean forward, just waiting for you to pause so they can jump in with their “more important” point.

2. They’re glued to their phones during face-to-face interactions

Ever tried having coffee with someone who checks their phone every thirty seconds? It’s like trying to have a conversation with someone who keeps looking over your shoulder for someone more interesting.

This behavior – now called “phubbing” (phone snubbing) – has become epidemic. And research shows it “negatively affects intimacy and closeness in romantic partnerships”. I’m sure that goes for all relationships. 

But here’s what it really tells you: this person was never taught that giving someone your undivided attention is a basic sign of respect.

My wife and I have a simple rule when we go out to dinner – phones stay in pockets. It’s amazing how much better conversations flow when you’re actually present.

3. They never say “please” or “thank you”

This one kills me. How hard is it to say two simple words?

I coach little league, and the first thing I teach isn’t how to swing a bat – it’s to say “thank you” to the umpire after the game, win or lose. Kids who grow up without learning these magic words become adults who bark orders at waitstaff and never acknowledge when someone holds a door.

Saying please and thank you is just basic human decency that should’ve been drilled in by age five.

4. They constantly talk about themselves without showing interest in others

Remember that friend who can turn any conversation into a story about themselves? You mention your vacation to Italy, and suddenly they’re telling you about their “way better” trip to France. You share a challenge at work, and boom – they’ve got a bigger problem to discuss.

These conversation narcissists never learned the art of asking follow-up questions or showing genuine curiosity about others. Their parents probably never modeled the simple act of saying, “Tell me more about that” or “How did that make you feel?”

5. They chew with their mouth open or make loud eating noises

Look, I’m not expecting everyone to have perfect table manners fit for dining with the Queen. But there’s something deeply unsettling about watching a grown adult chew like they’re in a food commercial where every crunch needs to be heard three tables over.

This isn’t about being uptight – it’s about basic consideration. When you’re smacking your lips and talking with a mouthful of sandwich, you’re essentially saying, “My immediate gratification is more important than your comfort.” That’s a lesson that should’ve been learned at the family dinner table decades ago.

6. They don’t hold doors open or offer basic courtesies to others

Every morning at 6:30, I walk Lottie, my golden retriever. Without fail, I see the same guy at the coffee shop who lets the door slam in people’s faces. Not once have I seen him hold it open, even when someone’s right behind him carrying a tray of drinks.

Holding doors, offering your seat to someone who needs it more, helping someone reach something on a high shelf – these aren’t grand gestures. They’re tiny acts of awareness that say, “I see you, and I’m not the only person who matters here.”

7. They arrive late without apology or explanation

Chronic lateness without acknowledgment? That’s a neon sign saying, “My time is more valuable than yours.”

Now, I get it – life happens. Traffic jams, sick kids, unexpected phone calls. But people raised with good manners understand that when you’re late, you apologize and acknowledge the inconvenience. They don’t stroll in twenty minutes late like it’s no big deal while everyone else has been waiting.

8. They use inappropriate language in professional or formal settings

Have you ever cringed when someone drops an f-bomb during a parent-teacher conference? Or tells an off-color joke at a funeral?

Understanding context and adapting your language accordingly is Manners 101. People who can’t switch between casual and formal speech weren’t taught that different situations call for different behavior.

It’s not about being prudish – it’s about reading the room and showing respect for the setting and the people in it.

9. They don’t respect personal space and stand too close to others

We all have that one person in our lives who talks to you from six inches away, close enough that you can identify what they had for lunch. They lean over your shoulder to read your computer screen, or put their hands on you without permission.

Personal space is cultural to some degree, sure. But people raised with good manners learned to pick up on social cues – that subtle step back someone takes, the way they angle their body away. They understand that respecting physical boundaries is just as important as respecting emotional ones.

Final thoughts

Here’s the thing about manners – they’re not about being stuffy or following arbitrary rules. They’re about showing basic respect and consideration for the people around you. When someone displays these behaviors, they’re telling you they never learned that fundamental lesson: other people matter too.

The good news? It’s never too late to learn. I’ve seen people in their fifties finally understand why their relationships kept failing, make changes, and transform how they interact with the world. Sometimes all it takes is someone caring enough to gently point out what their parents should have taught them forty years ago.