Ever had someone make you feel about two inches tall with just a few words? You walk away from the conversation wondering why you suddenly feel so deflated, even though nothing overtly mean was said.

During my 35 years in middle management, I witnessed this subtle art of manipulation more times than I can count. The truly skilled manipulators don’t need to shout or insult – they have a repertoire of seemingly innocent phrases that slowly chip away at your confidence.

Let me share the most common ones I’ve encountered, so you can spot them before they do their damage.

1. “I’m surprised you didn’t know that”

This one’s a classic. It’s dressed up as innocent surprise, but what it really does is make you feel stupid for not knowing something – even when there’s no reason you should have known it.

I once had a colleague who loved this phrase. Every meeting, he’d drop it like a bomb whenever someone asked a question. The result? People stopped asking questions entirely. They’d rather stay confused than risk feeling foolish.

The thing is, not knowing something isn’t a character flaw. It’s an opportunity to learn. Don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise.

2. “You’re being too sensitive”

Have you ever expressed hurt or concern, only to have someone dismiss your feelings with these four words? It’s manipulation 101 – instead of addressing what they did wrong, they make the problem about your reaction.

During marriage counseling in my 40s, I learned this was one of my go-to defenses. When my wife would bring up something that bothered her, I’d deflect by calling her sensitive rather than examining my own behavior. It nearly cost me my marriage.

Your feelings are valid. Full stop. Anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to avoid accountability.

3. “No offense, but…”

Ah, the universal disclaimer that precedes something offensive. It’s like saying “I’m about to insult you, but since I warned you, you can’t get mad.”

Here’s what I’ve learned: genuinely kind people don’t need this phrase. If you have to preface something with “no offense,” you probably shouldn’t say it at all.

4. “You always…” or “You never…”

These absolute statements are manipulation goldmines. They take one incident and blow it up into a character assassination. “You never listen.” “You always mess things up.”

Nobody always or never does anything. We’re human beings, not robots programmed to repeat the same behaviors endlessly. When someone uses these phrases, they’re not trying to solve a problem – they’re trying to make you feel fundamentally flawed.

5. “I was just joking”

Ever had someone say something cruel, watch your face fall, then quickly retreat behind “I was just joking”? It’s the manipulator’s escape hatch.

Real jokes make everyone laugh, including the subject. If you’re the only one not laughing, it wasn’t a joke – it was a jab disguised as humor. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

6. “You’re overreacting”

Similar to “you’re being too sensitive,” this phrase invalidates your response to their behavior. It shifts the focus from what they did to how you’re responding, making you question your own judgment.

I remember witnessing a particularly nasty office conflict where a manager consistently belittled an employee’s ideas. When she finally stood up for herself, he told her she was overreacting. The gaslighting was so effective that she actually apologized to him.

Trust your gut. If something feels wrong, it probably is.

7. “I’m only trying to help you”

This phrase often follows unsolicited criticism or controlling behavior. It positions the manipulator as the benevolent helper and you as the ungrateful recipient who can’t even recognize when someone’s looking out for you.

Real help doesn’t need to be announced. It doesn’t come with strings attached or make you feel worse about yourself. Real help lifts you up, not tears you down.

8. “After everything I’ve done for you”

Do you hear the guilt trip arriving at the station? This phrase weaponizes past kindnesses, turning them into obligations. Suddenly, every nice thing they’ve ever done becomes a debt you owe.

Healthy relationships aren’t transactional. People who truly care about you don’t keep score or hold their good deeds over your head.

9. “You’re lucky I put up with you”

This one cuts deep. It suggests you’re such a burden that anyone else would have abandoned you by now. It’s designed to make you grateful for scraps of affection and afraid to ask for more.

Let me be clear: you’re not lucky someone “puts up with you.” Relationships should be mutually beneficial, not endurance tests.

10. “If you really cared about me, you would…”

The emotional blackmail special. This phrase ties your love or care to specific actions, usually ones that benefit the manipulator. It’s a test you can never pass because the goalposts keep moving.

Love isn’t proven through compliance. Anyone who suggests otherwise is manipulating you.

Final thoughts

Recognizing these phrases is the first step to protecting yourself from manipulation. The second step? Setting boundaries. You don’t need to accept these comments, explain yourself endlessly, or prove your worth to anyone who diminishes it.

Remember, the problem isn’t you – it’s the person wielding these phrases like weapons. You deserve relationships built on respect, not manipulation. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.