I spent my early thirties bartending nights while building my writing career. You know what you notice when you’re working the floor? Patterns.

Specifically, generational patterns in how people treat service staff.

Look, I’m not here to bash boomers. My mom worked doubles as a nurse her whole life and taught me the value of hard work and respect. But after pulling enough shifts, you start seeing the same behaviors over and over. And trust me, servers notice.

The thing is, most people doing these things have no idea they’re being difficult. They genuinely think they’re being reasonable, maybe even helpful. But from the other side of that table? It’s a different story.

So here’s what I observed during those bartending years, combined with stories from friends still in the industry. If you recognize yourself in any of these, don’t worry. Awareness is the first step to change.

1) They treat the menu like a suggestion, not a rulebook

Ever watched someone order a dish, then proceed to modify every single ingredient?

I’ve seen it happen countless times. “I’ll have the carbonara, but can you substitute the pancetta with grilled chicken, use cream instead of egg, add sun-dried tomatoes, and put it over rice instead of pasta?”

At that point, you’re not ordering carbonara. You’re designing a completely different meal and expecting the kitchen to wing it during a Friday night rush.

Servers secretly roll their eyes because this isn’t customization, it’s menu engineering. Most restaurants have systems in place. The kitchen is designed for efficiency, with prep work done hours in advance. When you request multiple substitutions, you’re not just making things difficult for your server. You’re throwing a wrench into the entire operation.

One or two reasonable modifications? That’s fine. But when the order sounds like a recipe you’re dictating, it becomes a problem.

2) They summon servers with finger snaps or hand waves

So not every older person does this but I have noticed it is more common among this group. 

Picture this: you’re taking an order at table seven when you hear a sharp snap from across the room.

That’s the universal sound that makes every server’s blood pressure spike just a little.

When I was bartending to pay bills during my writing transition, I quickly learned that certain gestures carry weight. A polite hand raise with eye contact? Totally fine. An aggressive whistle or snap like you’re calling a dog? That’s when the internal eye-rolling begins.

It comes down to basic respect. Servers are people doing a job, not servants at your beck and call. The snap or wave treats them as inferior rather than as professionals providing a service.

The fix is simple: make eye contact, raise your hand gently, or just wait for them to circle back. They see you. They know you need something. Give them thirty seconds.

3) They’re convinced they know the kitchen better than the staff

“Are you sure the fish is fresh?”

“How long has that soup been sitting out?”

“I want to make sure the chef knows not to overcook my steak. Can you tell him medium means pink in the middle?”

Look, asking questions about ingredients or prep due to allergies or dietary needs is completely reasonable. But interrogating your server like they’re on trial suggests you think they’re either incompetent or trying to poison you.

Servers roll their eyes at this because it implies they don’t know how to do their job. Most restaurant staff are trained extensively. They know the menu, the ingredients, and how things are prepared. The chef definitely knows what medium rare means.

This behavior often stems from a need for control or past bad experiences. But projecting that onto every server you encounter isn’t fair. Trust that they’re professionals, or pick a different restaurant.

4) They camp out at tables long after finishing their meal

There’s enjoying your dining experience, and then there’s treating the restaurant like your living room.

I’m talking about sitting at a table for three hours after your plates have been cleared, nursing a single coffee while the host has a line of people waiting for tables.

During my bartending days, this was the most frustrating behavior to watch. Not because we wanted to rush anyone out, but because restaurants operate on table turnover. When you’re camping, you’re directly affecting the server’s income (they could have seated another party) and the restaurant’s revenue (same reason).

The unspoken rule: once you’ve finished eating and paid, stick around for maybe 20-30 minutes if it’s not busy. But if you see people waiting and you’ve been there for two hours post-meal, it’s time to move on.

Coffee shops are for camping. Restaurants are not.

5) They haggle over prices or demand discounts for minor issues

“This costs HOW much? Back in my day, you could get this for half the price.”

“My water glass had a spot on it. I think we deserve something off the bill.”

Here’s the thing about inflation and operating costs: they’re real. That burger costs more now because beef costs more, labor costs more, rent costs more. Lecturing your server about prices from 1985 doesn’t change today’s reality.

As someone who learned to budget strictly during my career transition, I get it. Eating out is expensive. But comparing current prices to what things cost decades ago is an exercise in futility that only makes your server uncomfortable.

And demanding discounts for truly minor issues? A spot on a glass that was immediately replaced doesn’t warrant a comp. Drop a full entree on the floor? Sure. But most restaurants will proactively address real problems. You don’t need to negotiate your way into free stuff.

6) They ignore their server while talking on their phone

Your server approaches the table. “Hi, are you ready to order?”

You hold up one finger without looking at them, continuing your phone conversation for another three minutes while they stand there awkwardly.

This one’s particularly frustrating because it’s so easily avoidable. If you’re on an important call when the server arrives, just make eye contact, smile, and mouth “one minute” or signal for them to come back. They’ll understand and move on.

But treating them as invisible while you chat? That’s when the internal eye-rolling happens.

I’ve mentioned this before, but working in service taught me that small gestures of respect matter enormously. Acknowledging someone’s presence takes two seconds. It doesn’t interrupt your call. It just shows you recognize they’re a human being trying to do their job.

Put the phone down for sixty seconds to order. That’s it. That’s all anyone’s asking.

7) They leave complicated, conditional tips based on arbitrary standards

“I’ll leave 20% if the service is exceptional, 15% if it’s good, 10% if it’s okay, and nothing if I’m unhappy.”

Or worse: “I don’t believe in tipping. Restaurants should just pay their staff properly.”

Here’s some uncomfortable truth: you can have whatever opinions you want about tipping culture. I’ll even agree it’s a flawed system. But when you’re sitting in an American restaurant where some servers make $6-7 per hour base pay, you’re participating in that system whether you like it or not.

Stiffing your server doesn’t change the system. It just means they can’t pay their rent that month.

The eye-rolling happens when people create elaborate rubrics for tipping that essentially guarantee the server gets less than the standard rate. Unless service is genuinely terrible (and I mean truly bad, not just “took seven minutes instead of five”), 15-20% is the baseline. That’s not a reward for exceptional service. That’s the actual cost of your meal.

If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to eat out. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s the reality of the industry.

Rounding things off

Look, I don’t think anyone does these things to be difficult. Most of it comes from different generational norms around service, combined with genuinely not realizing how restaurant operations work from the other side.

But here’s what I learned from my time working restaurants: treating service staff with basic respect and understanding makes everyone’s experience better. You get better service. They get to do their job without stress. It’s not complicated.