Self-esteem is a tricky business. Often, it’s not something you can see with the naked eye or measure with a yardstick. It’s hidden in our body language, our actions and yes, our words.

Sometimes, people around us are wrestling with self-esteem issues without us even realizing it. And often, they themselves may not be fully aware of it.

As someone who has navigated these murky waters, I can tell you there are subtle verbal cues that can hint at a person’s lack of self-esteem. These are little-known signs that most people miss, but once you know what to look for, they become as clear as day.

In this article, I’m going to share with you 10 these verbal cues that signal a lack of self-esteem. Let’s dive in and unravel these hidden indicators together.

1) Apologetic language

One of the first and most evident verbal cues of low self-esteem is excessive use of apologetic language.

You don’t have to look far to spot this. It’s in those ‘sorry’ that slip out unnecessarily, in the ‘just’ that minimize their contribution, and in the ‘I think’ that often undermines their own ideas.

This is a common defense mechanism for those wrestling with low self-esteem. They tend to apologize for their presence, their thoughts, and their feelings. It’s as if they’re constantly seeking validation and avoiding conflict or criticism.

2) Self-deprecating humor

Laughter is a powerful tool. It can bring people together, lighten the mood, and even help us cope with life’s ups and downs. But sometimes, it can also mask deep-seated insecurities.

I’ll share a personal example here. I used to have a friend who was the life of the party. He always had a funny quip at the ready, often at his own expense. He would joke about his looks, his lack of talent, his clumsiness – you name it.

We all laughed along, thinking he was just being funny. But over time, I began to notice a pattern. His self-deprecating humor was not just an occasional jest; it was a constant part of his conversation.

As I got to know him better, I realized that beneath his jovial exterior was a man wrestling with low self-esteem. His jokes were a way of criticizing himself before anyone else could.

Self-deprecating humor is not inherently bad. But when it becomes a person’s default way of interacting with the world, it might be a verbal cue of low self-esteem. 

3) Negative self-talk

There’s a saying: “We are our own worst critics.” This can be especially true for those with low self-esteem. Negative self-talk – that internal dialogue where you critique and belittle yourself – can be a major sign of low self-esteem.

Self-talk can significantly influence our mood, stress levels, and overall mental health. It’s like having a constant critic in your head, always ready to point out your flaws and mistakes.

People engaging in negative self-talk might express their self-doubt verbally, saying things like “I’m such an idiot,” or “I can never do anything right.” They may not even realize they’re doing it, but their words reveal the harmful narrative playing out in their minds.

Recognizing this verbal cue is crucial. It’s the first step towards changing this harmful habit and fostering a more positive self-image.

4) Overly agreeable

Ever met someone who agrees with just about anything you say? It’s like they’re scared to voice their own opinion or fear the consequences of a disagreement.

Being overly agreeable is often a verbal cue of low self-esteem. Individuals who struggle with self-worth tend to value other people’s opinions over their own. They fear rejection or confrontation, so they constantly agree, even if it means suppressing their own thoughts and feelings.

While being accommodating is a good trait, it shouldn’t come at the expense of one’s own beliefs and values. Constantly agreeing with others isn’t just harmful to one’s self-esteem; it can lead to resentment and frustration in the long run.

5) Avoiding eye contact

Communication isn’t just about the words we say. It’s also about how we say them and the non-verbal cues we give off, like eye contact.

People with low self-esteem often struggle to maintain eye contact during conversations. They may constantly look down or away, giving the impression that they’re disinterested or distracted. But often, it’s more a sign of discomfort or self-consciousness.

Avoiding eye contact is a subtle way of withdrawing from social interaction. It’s like a protective shield against perceived judgment or criticism, common fears among those dealing with low self-esteem.

6) Qualifying statements

How often do you hear someone say, “I’m not an expert, but…” or “This might not be right, but…”? These are what we call qualifying statements. They’re often used to soften a statement or to express uncertainty.

When used excessively, qualifying statements can be a verbal cue of low self-esteem. It’s like they’re bracing for impact, preparing for the possibility that their thoughts or ideas could be rejected.

It’s heartbreaking when you see someone with so much potential constantly downplaying their worth. Nobody should have to feel that their thoughts aren’t valuable or that their words need to be cushioned with disclaimers.

7) Constantly seeking reassurance

We all need reassurance from time to time. It’s human to seek validation and comfort, especially in times of uncertainty or distress. But for some, this need for reassurance can be constant and overwhelming.

People with low self-esteem often doubt their worth and abilities. They might worry excessively about their performance, their relationships, or their appearance. This constant self-doubt can drive them to seek reassurance from others again and again.

This frequent need for reassurance isn’t just about seeking comfort. It’s a cry for affirmation, a plea for someone to tell them they’re okay and worthy.

8) Frequent comparisons

“John is so much more talented than me.” “I wish I could be as outgoing as Jane.” Sound familiar? These are the words of comparison, and they can be a major verbal cue of low self-esteem.

People struggling with self-worth often compare themselves to others. They magnify others’ successes while downplaying their own. It’s a destructive cycle that feeds into their insecurities and self-doubt.

Comparisons can be damaging to our mental health. They make us feel inadequate and breed discontentment. It’s important to keep in mind that everyone has their own pace and path in life.

So if you notice someone frequently drawing comparisons, it might be a sign of their struggle with self-esteem. And if you find yourself doing the same, remember, the only person you should compare yourself to is the person you were yesterday.

9) Avoiding challenges or opportunities for growth

Growth happens outside our comfort zones. It’s in the face of challenges that we discover our strengths and capabilities. But for those grappling with low self-esteem, any opportunity for growth can seem like a threat rather than a stepping stone.

People with low self-esteem often avoid challenges or new experiences. They might stay in their comfort zones, fearing failure or judgment. This avoidance isn’t just about fear, it’s about not believing in their own potential to grow and succeed.

10) Over-explaining and justifying actions

We’ve all been in situations where we need to explain our actions or decisions. It’s a normal part of communication. But have you ever met someone who seems to over-explain or justify their actions even when it’s not necessary?

This can be a subtle sign of low self-esteem. People who constantly feel the need to justify their actions often worry excessively about being misunderstood or judged negatively. They might think that their decisions won’t be accepted unless they provide detailed explanations.

It’s okay to stand by your choices without feeling the need to justify them all the time. Your decisions are valid and you have the right to make them without always having to explain yourself.

A final reflection

In our journey of self-discovery and improvement, understanding the signs of low self-esteem is a crucial step. It’s not just about identifying these signs in others, but also recognizing them in ourselves.

The renowned psychotherapist Nathaniel Branden once said, “The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.”

This quote rings particularly true in the context of self-esteem. Awareness of these verbal cues is the first step in recognizing low self-esteem. Acceptance, then, becomes the foundation for change and growth.

So whether it’s over-apologizing, self-deprecating humor, negative self-talk, or any of the other cues we’ve explored, remember that these are not permanent labels or unchangeable traits. They are signals, signposts pointing to areas where we can grow and improve.

And as we work towards building a healthier sense of self-worth, let’s remember to extend compassion and understanding not just to others, but also to ourselves.