8 things about marriage most people learn too late in life, according to psychology

Isabella Chase by Isabella Chase | January 23, 2025, 3:11 pm

If you’ve tied the knot, you might agree that marriage can be as challenging as it is rewarding.

Often, we find ourselves learning significant lessons about marriage much later in life, leaving us wishing we knew them sooner.

These late realizations can cause strains on the relationship, leading to misunderstandings and frustrations.

Psychology, however, has shed some light on these lessons. It has identified some key aspects about marriage that most people only understand far too late.

This isn’t a matter of personal failing, but rather a shared human experience.

I’ll be delving into these insights to better equip you for your marital journey. Through understanding, we can navigate this lifelong commitment with more wisdom and ease.

1) Communication is key

In the early stages of a relationship, love and affection can make it seem like communication is a breeze.

However, when you’re knee-deep in the reality of marriage, it becomes clear that effective communication is more than just expressing love.

Often, people learn too late that their partner isn’t a mind reader.

Expecting your spouse to instinctively know your needs, wants, and feelings without expressively communicating them can lead to misunderstandings and disappointments.

Moreover, discussing difficult topics like finances, family issues or future plans tends to be avoided until it becomes inevitable. And by then, it can be a source of tension in the relationship.

Psychology emphasizes the importance of open and honest communication in maintaining a healthy relationship, even when the subject matter might be uncomfortable.

By learning this earlier in life, you can prevent many marital conflicts and enhance mutual understanding.

Remember, it’s not just about talking; it’s about listening too. Being attentive to your partner’s words and responding empathetically can make them feel valued and understood.

So don’t wait until it’s too late to master this crucial skill in your marriage.

2) Love isn’t always enough

Growing up, we often hear that love conquers all. Fairy tales and romantic movies paint a picture of love as an all-powerful force that can overcome any obstacle.

While love is undeniably a fundamental component of marriage, it’s not always enough to sustain a relationship in the long run.

Many people enter marriage with the belief that their love for their partner will be enough to weather any storm.

However, as life progresses, you realize that a successful marriage requires more than just a strong emotional connection.

Marriage also demands patience, compromise, mutual respect, and the ability to forgive and forget. It’s about making daily choices that favour the relationship even when it’s tough.

Sometimes, it means putting your partner’s needs above your own or dealing with difficult situations with maturity and grace.

In essence, love is crucial in marriage but it is not the only ingredient necessary for a lasting and fulfilling union.

Realizing this early on can help set realistic expectations and prepare you for the inevitable challenges that come with sharing a life together.

3) Shared values matter more than common interests

It’s always fun to have a partner with whom you can share your hobbies and interests. Whether it’s cooking, hiking, or binge-watching a favorite show, these shared activities can indeed bring couples closer.

However, as the years roll on in a marriage, you might discover that having the same hobbies isn’t as crucial as you initially thought.

On the other hand, shared values – beliefs about what is important in life – play a significant role in long-term relationship satisfaction.

Values influence decisions around careers, parenting styles, and even how money should be spent or saved.

When couples share similar core values, they’re more likely to have a common vision for their future and make decisions that are mutually satisfying.

This alignment helps in reducing friction and fostering harmony in the relationship.

So while it’s great to have common interests, prioritizing shared values can pave the way for a more fulfilling and enduring marriage.

4) It’s okay to ask for help

Nobody enters a marriage knowing all there is to know about maintaining a lifelong partnership.

It’s perfectly normal to find yourself in situations where you’re unsure of how to proceed. Sometimes, the challenges you face might seem overwhelming.

In such times, remember that it’s okay to seek support. This might mean reaching out to trusted friends or family members who’ve walked this path before you.

Their experiences and perspectives can provide valuable insights into your own situation.

Alternatively, you might consider seeking professional help. Marriage counselors and therapists are trained to help couples navigate complex issues and develop healthier relationship dynamics.

There’s no shame in asking for help when you need it.

Seeking help doesn’t mean your marriage is failing. Rather, it’s a sign of strength and commitment, showing that you’re willing to do what it takes to nurture your relationship.

It’s a testament to your dedication to growth, both individually and as a couple.

5) The honeymoon phase doesn’t last forever

Remember the butterflies you felt when you first started dating? The thrill of each shared moment and the anticipation of each coming date?

That’s commonly known as the honeymoon phase, a time when everything feels perfect and love seems to conquer all.

However, as you settle into marriage, those butterflies begin to settle too. The constant high of new love evolves into a more comfortable, familiar love.

This transition is entirely normal and happens to everyone in long-term relationships.

While it might seem a bit disheartening, this shift is actually a sign of growth in your relationship.

It’s the transition from passionate love to compassionate love, which is less about intensity and more about deep connection and understanding.

So, when the butterflies start to calm down, don’t panic. It doesn’t mean that your love is fading, but rather that it’s maturing into something deeper and more enduring.

It’s a natural part of the journey that every couple goes through.

6) You’re marrying the family, too

When you marry someone, you’re not just pledging to share your life with them, but also with their family. While this might seem obvious, the full extent of what it means often becomes apparent only after marriage.

For example, I remember a friend who was deeply in love with their partner and couldn’t wait to tie the knot. They got along famously and shared many common interests.

However, after the wedding, they started spending more time with their spouse’s family and soon realized how different their values and traditions were.

This led to some friction initially as they struggled to navigate these differences. Over time, they learned to appreciate these differences and even embrace some of them.

It became clear that marrying their partner meant also becoming a part of another family, with its own unique dynamics and expectations.

Understanding this ahead of time can help prepare you for the inevitable interactions and relationships you’ll build with your spouse’s family. It’s all part of the package that comes with saying “I do.”

7) Perfect marriages don’t exist

It’s time we burst the bubble: there’s no such thing as a perfect marriage. Every couple has their ups and downs, their disagreements and compromises.

The idea that there’s a flawless, fairy-tale marriage out there is a myth that can set unrealistic expectations.

Marriage is a journey filled with beautiful moments, yes, but also with challenges that test your bond.

These tough times are not an indication of failure, but opportunities for growth, understanding, and deepening your connection.

Instead of striving for perfection, aim for a relationship where both of you feel loved, respected, and heard.

Accept that there will be bumps along the way, and understand that it’s how you navigate these together that truly defines your marriage.

Ditch the pursuit of perfection and embrace the beautiful imperfections that make your relationship uniquely yours.

8) Marriage is a continual journey of learning and growth

If there’s one thing to take away from all this, it’s the understanding that marriage is a continuous journey of learning, growing, and adapting. You don’t just say “I do” and suddenly have all the answers.

Every day brings new experiences, challenges, and opportunities to understand your partner better. It’s about learning to navigate life together, in all its complexities and surprises.

It’s also about growing – as individuals and as a couple. You’ll learn things about yourself you never knew before and discover strengths you didn’t realize you had.

Embrace this journey with an open heart and mind. Remember that it’s okay to not know everything and it’s okay to make mistakes along the way.

What matters most is being committed to growing together, supporting each other through thick and thin, and making your relationship the best it can be, one day at a time.

Conclusion

Understanding marriage is akin to understanding life—it’s a deeply personal journey, and ultimately, it’s about what matters to you.

This article aims to shed light on the often overlooked aspects of marriage, yet in the end, it’s your journey to navigate. The lessons and experiences will be uniquely yours.

Remember, time spent nurturing your relationship is never wasted.

Being truly wise in marriage means understanding that no one else can define what your relationship should look like or what you should value in it.

Here’s to a more aware, fulfilling, and loving marital journey!