Have you ever found yourself caught in the whirlwind of a relationship that leaves you feeling drained, confused, and questioning your own sense of reality?

It’s not always obvious when you first meet someone just how turbulent and painful they can be for you in the long run.

At the start, they might seem exciting and charming—yet behind that façade lie traits that, according to psychology, breed chaos and heartbreak.

Below, I’ll share eight key traits that can make a relationship incredibly volatile.

If you spot even a few of these red flags, proceed with caution.

Let’s dive in.

1) They overstep boundaries

A sure-fire marker of a turbulent and painful relationship is someone who doesn’t respect your personal, emotional, or even physical boundaries.

They might insist on knowing every detail of your day, demand full access to your phone, or show up unannounced whenever they please.

It’s not always dramatic or obvious at first—sometimes it starts small.

Perhaps they tease you about something you’re sensitive about, and when you ask them to stop, they keep going.

In healthy relationships, boundaries are valued; they’re not seen as annoying roadblocks.

I remember a close friend who dated someone like this.

The constant phone-checking and “Where are you right now?” texts eventually escalated to full-on jealousy episodes, where she felt like she had to justify her every move.

Over time, it wore her down and eroded her sense of self.

That’s the thing about boundaries: once you start letting them slip, it can become an avalanche.

2) They are extremely reactive

Another hallmark of a turbulent partner is unpredictability.

One day, they’re in a fantastic mood, showering you with affection; the next, they’re flipping out over a minor disagreement.

Think of relationships you’ve seen where something trivial—a late reply to a text, a misplaced coffee mug—erupts into a full-blown argument.

These extreme reactions can leave you walking on eggshells, trying to avoid triggering them.

From a psychological standpoint, intense reactivity often stems from unresolved emotional issues.

If someone is constantly expecting drama or conflict, every little thing can become a spark that ignites an inferno.

In time, you find yourself living in a perpetual state of anxiety, never quite sure what small action might set them off next.

3) They twist reality (gaslighting)

Gaslighting has become a popular term, and for good reason—it’s incredibly damaging.

If you’re dealing with someone who consistently denies your experiences or makes you doubt your own memory, you may be entangled in a situation that’s far more turbulent than you realize.

It typically starts with small things: “I never said that,” or “You’re remembering it all wrong.”

Over time, this tactic chips away at your confidence and your trust in your own perceptions.

You might end up thinking, “Am I really that forgetful or sensitive?”

Gaslighting is a powerful form of emotional manipulation.

The person wants to maintain control by keeping you off-balance.

If you’re perpetually questioning yourself, you become more reliant on their version of events, which deepens their hold on you.

4) They show little empathy

Relationships that cause the most hurt often lack genuine empathy.

Feeling unheard or dismissed on a regular basis can make your emotional well-being nosedive.

Maybe you’re stressed about a tough day at work, and instead of listening, they cut you off and shift the conversation back to themselves.

Or you open up about a personal struggle and they respond with, “Why are you making such a big deal out of this?”

Empathy is a cornerstone of healthy connection.

When it’s missing, you’re left feeling isolated, misunderstood, and undervalued.

If you consistently feel like your emotions are met with blank stares or disinterest, it’s a glaring sign that the relationship might be headed into painful territory.

5) They crave intimacy but also fear it

This is where you might see the classic push-pull dynamic.

One minute, they’re telling you they can’t live without you, and the next, they’re shutting down or even ghosting you for days.

The confusing part?

Deep down, they usually do want closeness—but they’re equally scared of it.

This destructive cycle stems from fear of rejection or abandonment, which leads to self-sabotage whenever things start feeling too real.

I used to think I had a good handle on relationships until I took Ruda Iande’s “Love and Intimacy” masterclass.

I wasn’t big on self-development courses, but the exercises in that free workshop really opened my eyes to my own tendencies.

Turns out, I also had a pattern of wanting intimacy yet being terrified of letting people in.

Seeing those patterns in myself made it easier to recognize them in others.

It’s painful to watch someone oscillate between craving your affection and then pushing you away.

If this trait is combined with other issues—like gaslighting or extreme emotional swings—it becomes a rollercoaster ride you never wanted a ticket for.

6) They demand constant validation

We all appreciate a compliment every now and then.

But when someone demands constant reassurance—about their looks, their worth, their decisions—you can quickly feel suffocated.

It’s like the relationship revolves around propping up their self-esteem 24/7.

They might text you multiple times a day just to ask, “Do you still love me?” or “Am I still your top priority?”

At first, it might seem endearing.

After all, who doesn’t want to feel wanted?

But over the long haul, this behavior can drain every ounce of emotional energy you have.

This perpetual need for validation often masks deeper insecurities.

According to psychology, it might even trace back to unresolved childhood issues where they never felt truly enough.

While compassion is essential, there’s a fine line between supporting someone and becoming responsible for their sense of identity.

7) They shift blame to avoid accountability

Another trademark of a painful relationship dynamic is an unwillingness to own up to mistakes.

You call them out for something hurtful they did, and they flip the script: “Well, you made me do it,” or “It’s because you were being distant.”

Before you know it, you’re on the defensive—even though they were the ones at fault.

This blame-shifting is toxic because it prevents real resolutions.

In my own life, I once spent months trying to “fix” a relationship because I kept hearing how I was the one messing things up.

It wasn’t until I took a step back that I realized I was constantly accepting blame for things that simply weren’t on me.

Psychologists say that accountability is a cornerstone of emotional maturity. Without it, growth stagnates and resentment soars.

If someone can’t acknowledge their role in an argument or a mistake, you end up feeling perpetually guilty—and they keep on repeating the same behaviors.

8) They’re controlling in subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways

Extreme control doesn’t always show itself in big, blatant moves like forcing you to quit your job or cut off friends—though that can happen, too.

Often, it’s sneaky.

Maybe they dictate what you wear, comment on your choice of music until you change it, or undermine your decisions to the point you second-guess your every move.

This controlling nature can show up as “concern” or “wanting the best” for you, but over time, it morphs into a suffocating dynamic.

It’s a way of ensuring you remain dependent on them, whether emotionally, financially, or psychologically.

Buddha once observed, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

That quote often reminds me how negative emotions—like the need to control—burn not only the person being controlled but also the one exerting it.

Still, in the short term, this controlling individual often feels a sense of power. Meanwhile, you’re left feeling smaller and smaller, afraid to make choices that go against their preferences.

Rounding things off

The sad truth is that the relationships that wound us the most aren’t always the ones we walk into expecting trouble.

If you recognize these patterns in your relationship, it might be time to hit pause, reflect, and consider what steps you need to take.

It could involve seeking professional help, confiding in a trusted friend, or simply giving yourself the space to evaluate how you truly feel.

Remember, you deserve relationships that foster growth, understanding, and mutual respect.

While no relationship is perfect, knowing what to watch out for puts you in a stronger position to protect your well-being.

Awareness is the first step toward cultivating deeper, healthier connections.